it changes everything

Infertility. It does. It changes how I view basically everything. It changes how I view money. It changes how I view the holidays. It changes how I view simple trips to the store or the mall. It changes how I view other staff members at my job (oops, pregnancy brain!, is something I was told the other day...). It has even affected my faith and my marriage. MBL and I started this journey on our wedding night and naively assumed we'd be pregnant when we returned from our honeymoon! No? Well then we'll get pregnant on MBL's birthday the next month! No? Hmmm...I have to admit it was only our third month of trying when I sent MBL for a s/a. I just *knew* something was wrong. And, I was right, his count was low. And when we got it retested in July it was even lower (9.3 million/mL). We started "treatment" July 21, 2009. I never thought I would see my one year anniversary with my RE. Yet, here I am. More vulnerable than ever to the pain of infertility, but also a little less hurt by it than last year...if that even makes any sense.

All of that to say that MBL and I went out for dinner Saturday night. We are going to fast from alcohol for at least the next month and we wanted one last hurrah! before beginning that. At dinner I brought up to MBL the fact that I have been second guessing our choice of returning to our current clinic for IVF #2 (for various reasons...they do TWO DAY transfers, they don't seem to be up on the latest science for IVF, they always seem in a rush during our appointments...). I mentioned a clinic I had been looking at out of state, and MBL totally surprised me! He listened to what I had to say!! He took it all in and said, "Yeah, let's check it out!" He liked how differently they did things and how they were up on the latest technologies. I was really surprised. Usually he just gives me a sideways glance like, "you're crazy" when I start talking about what I've recently learned or read regarding our IF. So, we're thinking about switching. Maybe. But, one of the main points of my conversation with him was that I just don't frickin' care about the money anymore! Whatever it costs! I. don't. care. I told MBL that it would be worthless to me to get to the end of our lives with pockets full of money and absolutely no one with whom to share it. I would hate to have a big house without a gaggle of kids running from room to room. I would hate to have a lakehouse and a boat without having a family with whom to enjoy it. Now, I firmly believe that MBL and I are a family all by ourselves. We are married and we are a family of two, we do not need children to be a family. But, to me, having our house full of kids means more to me than any earthly thing and I plan on going to the moon and back, if I have to, to achieve my goal of pregnancy, birth, and children.

On a related note, I am oddly thankful that I have to work this weekend. Not just because it means more $$$ for the baby fund, but also because it gives me an excuse to miss the big family fireworks in the lakeside town near us. I am sure the fireworks are beautiful, and, yes, I want to see them, but I do not think I could stand seeing all the families with their beautiful kids enjoying the holiday together. I think it would hurt too much. Instead, I will work both the 3rd and the 4th and we will go to the fireworks locations just before they are set to go off. Because it seems like my infertility pain is always the greatest around holidays, but I do my best to distance myself from activities/outings that inevitably leave me feeling bitter and upset. So, if what I truly enjoy is the fireworks, then I am thankful I can arrive just before they are launched!