Wednesday, May 8, 2013

it reminds me of clomid

Today, I am 39w2d pregnant.  And I am done.  When I was pregnant with Piper, I don't remember too much of that last week except for the fact that I started having mild contractions a week before she was born and they got down to coming every 5 minutes a full 4.5 days before she actually came out.  I remember that they weren't painful just uncomfortable and annoying.  I also remember being excited about meeting her and feeling like it was unreal that we were so close. 

This time around?  I'm feeling like someone snuck some clo.mid in my morning diet coke.  I'm rage-y and angry and so flippin' tired.  And the thing is I feel like I have absolutely no control over my emotions.  It's not like I can go read a book or meditate or listen to a really good song to feel better.  The deep down emotional rage feels completely out of body and it brings me back to those days when I was on clo.mid and would just sob and sob and sob or totally lash out at MBL.  I actually yelled at my mom on Sunday because I am so sick and tired of being told, "He'll come out eventually" even if it is true.

Both Sunday and Monday were just so difficult for me emotionally.  I know that sounds so silly considering the fact that I am literally days away from meeting my little guy!  DAYS.  After 9 months it's time and that is unbelievable to me, but even realizing that, I still couldn't shake the emotional imbalance I was feeling.  After a bought of uncontrollable sobbing and muttering, I realized what it was that was bothering me: I HATE that I have no options.  This whole VBAC/C-section thing is just bringing up all the negative feelings IF gave me in regards to my body working properly.  And the feelings that came after having Piper when my milk supply couldn't keep up and I ended up on Zol.oft for anxiety.  I mean IF is a hard pill to swallow, not being able to get pregnant naturally no matter what you do.  Having a low antral count despite doing everything possible to remain healthy.  It just reminds you that sometimes, even if you make all the "right" choices, you still may be faced with a negative outcome.  And that's what having a c/s the first time around did for me and I don't think I really ever dealt with those emotions.  There was nothing I could have done differently.  Finding out your baby is breech AFTER your water has been broken leaves you with exactly one option: C-section.  And getting pregnant after having a c/s leaves you with two options: repeat c/s or VBAC.  But, there's no guarantee that I'll actually be able to VBAC, no guarantee that my body will do what it's supposed to do and actually allow me to deliver him the way I want to deliver him.  And the medical world can't do anything to help me reach my goal.  I can't be induced, I have to go into labor on my own and I'm so completely terrified that I won't.  I mean, it would be just like my body to not do what it's supposed to do.

Have you ever felt frustrated by your body?
What was the most difficult thing for you in regards to your IF diagnosis?
Did you ever feel like a total crazy person while on fertility medication?