Wednesday, September 29, 2010

panic! in my uterus!

Well, friends, this morning I woke up to every scared preggos worst nightmare...spotting! UGH. Granted, it has been brown all day and not clotty, but still! I was *so* certain that I would get through this without spotting, but, no, I'm a spotter. So, I panicked and thought about calling in to work, but decided to just carry on and roll with it. I called my OB's office and told them what was happening, they spoke with the nurse and the doctor and told me to come in for an ultrasound. We had just had one on Friday so I was nervous about what they would/would not be able to see after such a short period of time in between. At 2:00 MBL and I went in for our second ultrasound in five days. Turns out I have an implantation bleed. The tech told me that it is very small, about 1cm, and that they usually dissolve on their own. Apparently this bleed was not visible last Friday. So, yay, a reason for the spotting! We also got to see the baby again and this time it had a heartbeat.

We are not doing high fives or cartwheels yet. The heartrate was 92bpm. I was measuring at 5w6d. I am supposedly 6w2d. The tech told us the measurements being wrong are not a big deal at this point and that they only start to get worried if I get behind by more than a week. The tech last week told us that depending on the angle/clarity they could easily be off by 2 days in either direction, so I'm not panicking about the measurement. But the heartrate? It's low. Even the tech said it was low. BUT (and I consider this a big, important BUT), there is a window of time where a heartrate of 92bpm is perfectly normal. The tech also shared this with us. There is no way to tell if I am in this window of "normal". I was SOOOO scared of this. I came back to work and googl.ed my way through the afternoon. Several reputable sites (including the Ameri.can Associ.ation) agree that at 6 weeks a normal fetal heart rate is between 90-110bpm. According to that I am on the low side of normal. I also found a study where they compared early fetal heart rates with miscarriage and they said that a heart rate of 92bpm is borderline. Their study suggests I have an 83% chance of carrying this pregnancy to term. I will speak with my doctor tomorrow and make sure that I'm not filling my head with sunshine and rainbows when I shouldn't be.

Also, I have officially been put on complete pelvic rest. No romantic relations, no running around, no standing on my feet for hours, and no carrying laundry up and down the stairs. The tech isn't even sure I'll be able to travel this weekend. Tonight we were supposed to go and check out the art festival going on around here with our small group, but now I can't. I have to laze around my house. Regardless of whether or not we are headed to Chicago on Friday, we will go for another ultrasound check at that point. I have an order from my RE, so I can go here in town or there at their office. I'm hoping that at that point the HB is close to 100bpm.

What hope am I clinging to? The fact that I'm still feeling sick! YAY?? And it is definitely not morning sickness--more like, you will feel nauseous and gaggy nearly all day sickness. I have heard it's a good sign to be sick, I'm hoping so. I'm also grateful that my spotting is only brown and not very heavy.

Finally, if y'all could send me your good thoughts and prayers, I would really appreciate it. I feel like I'm in such limbo with this and I just want this baby to grow!!

Friday, September 24, 2010

sneaky, sneaky...

That's me! As I said in my previous post, our first ultrasound was scheduled for Monday morning. Well, MBL decided to hop an earlier flight home from Arge.ntina (yep, he was gone this week, making me all lonely and stuff!). Anyways, when I called to make my u/s appointment, I chose Monday instead of Friday because MBL wouldn't be home on time if I went with Friday. Well, when he called to tell me he would be home by noon I decided to move up our appointment. I had been having some sharp pain on my left side and the insane part of me was scared of an ectopic. Plus, I have to work all weekend (20 hours over two days) and I knew that waiting would just make me more anxious. So, I rescheduled the appointment for this afternoon :). We had our ultrasound at 2pm and the tech was SOOO nice. She talked us through everything and was very thorough. She didn't make us feel rushed and allowed us to ask her all of our questions. She even explained everything she was doing/going to do. It. was. awesome. She even printed us a picture to take home. So, without further ado, I present to you our *very* little baby:


Yep. We've got one good looking bean in there. I think MBL was a *little* disappointed we didn't get twins, but I am perfectly satisfied with how everything worked out :). The tech was able to see the gestational sac and the yolk sac and could *maybe* make out the fetal pole. She said that everything looked right on track for where I am.

So, we didn't get to see the heartbeat because I'm only 5w4d, but I made an appointment for another ultrasound with my OB for when I'll be 7w4d. And just because I'm a tricky little bugger, I also made an appointment for an ultrasound at our clinic because we'll be in Chic.ago next weekend and that's when they originally wanted me to go in, at 6w4d. So, the next two Fridays will give me glimpses at our growing bean! It definitely feels more real now, but I think it will take birth for it to totally sink in!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

What lies ahead...

So, I have an order from my RE for an ultrasound for later next week. My RE's office explained that I could get the ultrasound done at my Ob/Gyn's office and I decided to do that instead of at the hospital radiology department so that they would tell me what was going on. I also decided that I would call them and tell them I did IVF to get pregnant and that I have an order for an early ultrasound because of that. I neglected to mention the specific dates for which the ultrasound order is good. The receptionist was nice and explained she couldn't book me for such an early ultrasound without getting approval from a doctor and that she would put a note in my chart for someone to call me about it. They called me less than two hours later and said that another doctor in the practice had reviewed my chart and said it was fine for me to come in for an ultrasound. They transferred me to the appointment making lady and she said that it would be best if I came in late this week or early next week because if I came in any earlier they might not be able to see anything. I said early next week would work best and booked my appointment for Monday at 8:45. I will be exactly 6 weeks. I'm hoping to see a baby in my uterus and the flickering of the heartbeat. I have to work all weekend, so I'm hoping the time flies between now and then. Moral of the story, while I didn't necessarily *lie* about my ultrasound, I didn't correct them when they offered me an earlier date.

I am actually feeling pretty good about things. Maybe that's a cocky thing to say, but my numbers look good and I have every reason to believe that I'll see something on Monday. But my secret deep down fear?? Is that the ultrasound screen will just show my regular old uterus and ovaries, no baby. It feels too unreal. I'm kind of in denial that I truly can't have a drink with dinner or that I *have* to avoid certain kinds of foods because, well, I am pregnant. Am I in denial? Maybe. Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop? Definitely. Despite all this do I still believe that I will have a baby in May? Yes and that scares me. This whole journey has been disappointing and hard and I'm supposed to be happy and elated and I am, but very VERY cautiously so. I just don't want to let my guard down and then be disappointed. Stupid IF, you've stolen my early pregnancy joy!! All I keep thinking is that if I were a regular ole' fertile, I would accept my positive pregnancy tests as proof that I am indeed knocked up and go weeks without any true affirmation of that fact. Me? I needed three betas and I still don't believe it!

I'm crossing everything that Monday brings us the best news and that seeing our little one on the ultrasound allows me to sigh for the first time in almost two years.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

september ICLW

Happy ICLW! For all of you new to my blog, welcome! To all of my regular visitors, I am glad to have you following :).

I am currently 5 weeks pregnant from IVF #2. We TTC for 20 months before we got our BFP. We did IVF #1 in December and it was a total BFN. I am (obviously) taking each day as it comes and praying that come May 2011 we actually have a baby to bring home from the hospital. So far, I am feeling pretty good. I have had heartburn from pretty much anything I eat and have even had a few bouts of nausea. I'm hoping to have morning sickness without throwing up, but I'll throw up every day for nine months if that's what it takes. I had three betas to ease my mind, with the most recent being done yesterday at 21dpo. My levels are doubling every 36 hours and yesterday's number was 2554. I am scheduled for an ultrasound next week. I must admit, I'm feeling pretty anxious. With IF we come to expect that the other shoe will drop at any moment and the fact that I'm not feeling completely miserable has me worried, despite the reassuring betas. I hate that IF has made me feel like a fake preggo because despite the fact that I can pee on a stick and make it come up with two lines, it still feels eerily unreal. I want to have my ultrasound tomorrow or some time this week so that I can be reassured that there is something growing inside me, but I'm trying to wait it out until next week when I am supposed to have it. Oh, and a confession, I feel like a real fatty because I am already in maternity jeans. I've been in loose fitting clothing since I started lupr.on because it makes me bloat up instantly. I lost a little bit of the bloat after egg retrieval, but I'm still "full" in my belly area. I feel like a fake because I'm barely pregnant, but I guess it's what I have to do and I'm just hoping that my belly continues to get bigger :).

Thursday, September 16, 2010

things that make me nervous...

Top of this list right now? Phone calls from my RE's office when I am waiting for beta #2!! I won't make you sit throught too much of a post before giving you the results, but I do need to give some background on why I was so anxious. So, this morning MBL and I got up early (even though it was my morning to sleep in) and went to the lab at the hospital so that my bloodwork would for sure be done today. We were in the drawing room by 8:00am, I got poked twice because the phlebo.tomy student couldn't find my vein (this happens to me a lot). I had written on my lab sheet that the results were needed by noon and even double checked with the lab manager that they would get done. I waited and waited before my internship for the call. And, nothing. So, I went to my internship and tried to pretend that I was interested in what my supervisor was sharing with me. I, of course, didn't get any reception in the office and sometimes my voicemail doesn't work, so I was getting even more worked up. Long story short, I called the clinic and they didn't have my labs yet (2 hours past noon), I called the lab and they tried to tell me they didn't have the fax number (they sure as heck did!), then I called my clinic an hour later and they still didn't have the labs. Blech. Finally, at 3:30 my clinic called, but I couldn't answer. I had to wait until 4:00 to call them back...the half hour in between calls was KILLER.

I was so scared they were going to tell me it dropped or didn't rise enough, but I was pleasantly surprised!! YAY! My beta at 17dpo (14dp3dt) is 506!!!! Woop woop. My HCG is doubling every 32.31 hours and in 72 hours it quintupled! My progesterone looked good, it went up to 38. Now I'm in a whole new ultrasound is two weeks from today. GAH! I may be able to release some of my anxiety after that!

By the way, thank you so much for all of the congratulations, they have meant SO much to me! All of you girls are in my thoughts and prayers, especially those still waiting for your BFPs! Hoping beyond hope for all of you!

Monday, September 13, 2010

621 days 19 hours

That's how long it's been. I got up this morning earlier than I needed to so that I could sneak off to the lab in town and get my blood drawn so that I could get the results in plenty of time. I had everything all set to surprise MBL at work later in the day. I knew that MBL would not be satisfied with just 16 positive pregnancy tests. I knew he would want the "official" word from a certified professional (i.e. a nurse or a doctor or a lab tech). So, I waited and waited and waited. The clinic I went to was outpatient and they promised me up and down that they would have the results by 5:00, which was perfect because my clinic closed at 5:00 and they needed the results by then. At 3:20 my clinic called and said they still didn't have my results. I told them I had spoken to the lab and they too promised me I'd have the results in time. The nurse then told me I was in luck because another nurse in the office was scheduled to work late. At 4:20 I called the lab again and asked about the status of my blood order and the lady who answered me this time gave me some HI.PAA line and said she couldn't even tell me if they had my blood and that someone from my doctor's office would have to call to inquire. GAH!!!! So, I called the clinic and told them this and gave them the number of the lab. I waited another hour and called my clinic again, at this point only the late working nurse was left and she didn't have any notes about calling the lab. So, then I gave her the number and she said she'd call and get back to me. This was at 5:30. It was now getting to the point where I needed the results soon or I couldn't go through with my plan to surprise MBL with the news. I waited and waited and waited. It officially passed the time where I could surprise MBL at work. MBL came home, we went to the grocery store, and came back. All the while I'm getting more and more anxious, wondering if I will have to wait until tomorrow morning to get my long awaited results. Shortly after we got back my phone started to ring and MBL went to pick it up, I freaked out and told him not to, that I had to get it. I answered and it was the nurse! She started telling me the news and I asked her to wait...I then grabbed MBL, put the nurse on speaker, and asked her to repeat herself. And then she said the words I had been waiting 621 days and 19 hours to hear...

Christine, this is nurse happy voice. I have your results. They are positive! Your beta level is 108. Dr. S. likes to see it at above 50 at this point, so things are looking really good. Your progesterone is 25, which also looks really good. We want you to keep taking your medications and go in for follow up bloodwork on Thursday or Friday. She asked me which day we planned on going in and I told her Thursday. She also suggested I go to a different lab because no one will be working late on Thursday, I assured her I would. And then MBL and I hugged and I showed him all of my tests. I also took a digi so that he could see that magical word and he just smiled.

So, follow up beta on Thursday and maybe another one on Monday for good measure. Then ultrasound on September 30th. Praying for rising levels and a beating heart!!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

PIO? More like PIB!!!

The other night, MBL was taking FOREVER to come to bed which was making me upset because I needed him to give me my PIO shot. Well, I finally decided enough was enough and decided I was going to give it to myself. My thought was that if I ended up being pregnant I would have to give them to myself anyways (MBL is going to Argentina next week for five days). I was nervous to give myself that honking huge injection in my own hip, but I had already faced so many injections I decided I needed to suck it up! So I did. And then I gave myself the injection. Everything was all hunky dorey and I couldn't believe that I had actually given myself an IM injection. I went to bed feeling all smug about my PIO handiwork. Until I woke up the next morning to a HUGE welt!! Seriously it was as if someone had stuck a golfball under my skin. Serves me right for being so pompous. I have since gone back to having MBL do all of my injections, but they still hurt. I have bumps on both sides now and we're running out of places to put the PIO. So, I've decided that they should really be called PIB shots-Pain In Butt!!!! Yuck. But, I'm getting used to the pain and I've started icing the area for at least 30 minutes prior to the shot and that seems to help. We also always rub the progesterone in and use a heating pad, but I can't says that helps much. Oh well. It's all a part of the IVF game plan!

So, this morning I tested again and I was a little afraid that the lines on the tests were the same as yesterday. So, when I had to go pee an hour after getting up I decided to try a digi, the first one (a FR.ER digi) didn't work and so I used a CBE and I was brushing my teeth when the word I've been waiting for popped said "pregnant"! I wanted to cry, scream, and jump up and down. But, I didn't do any of those things. I thought about waking up my youngest sister and asking her if she could keep a secret, but I didn't do that either. I just took that test and stuck it in my purse so that I could stare at it during my ten hour shift. After 619 days of TTC I got to see it, the fabled positive digi!! Seeing that word changed everything for me because it 1)reassured me that my levels had gone up since yesterday (digi was negative at 11dpo) 2) showed me that what I've been thinking was happening is actually happening!!

Like I said before, I know I have a long way to go from getting a positive digital, but for the moment I am listening to what it says and believing that I am pregnant :). Beta is Monday, second beta on Thursday, third on Monday, and then if everything looks good, an ultrasound around September 30!! Now, I just have to work on how I'm going to tell MBL....I've already fooled him into thinking our beta is on, I'll need to figure out a plan from there! Fingers crossed, please!!!

I should mention that today would have been our due date if IVF #1 had worked, so it was truly the perfect timing for this:


Friday, September 10, 2010

marking my territory

Let me begin by saying, I know that I am a crazy infertile. I know that "normal" people do not go around peeing on multiple sticks a day and obsessing about their results. Infertility has made me far from "normal" (whatever the heck that is). Normal people expect unprotected sex=baby. I expect temping, charting, several ultrasounds, lots of blood draws, over 100 injections, abstinence, antibiotics, anaesthesia, and a doctor between my legs will maybe *maybe* equal a positive HPT/beta. And then there are lots more hurdles to cross after that (second/third positive beta, ultrasound, heartbeat, 40 weeks). I know that for some people, taking HPTs is a real no no. For me, I don't want to be told by a nurse I've met only a handful of times an emotional message (either my BFP or my BFN). The nurses at my clinic are incredibly nice, but I'd just rather hear the news from myself and the confirmation from them. KWIM? I also like taking HPTs during my IVF cycle because it gives me a sense of control. I have so little in this process that I will take it where I can get it. I totally understand why some people choose to wait until beta day, I just can't. All that being said, the only reason I am posting on this is because I have reason to be hopeful. I've only gotten positive tests one other time (in july) and other than that I've gotten BFNs every other cycle. I tested out my trigger and my FMU (first morning urine) test on Wednesday (9dpo) was negative. Now on to the fun part.

So, yesterday I posted about how I *thought* I saw a line and how sitting in the living room gave me the best view. Well, later that day I needed to run to Tar.get/Wal.mart for some things and I just couldn't pass the HPTs without buying one (or 5!). Then I realized I had to pee, so I did the rational thing and held it until I got to Tar.get at which point I brought a FR.ER (my first of this cycle) into the bathroom with me and peed on it. I didn't want to sit there waiting for the result, so I stuck it in my purse, washed my hands, and walked to the women's clearance section. At that point I pulled it out and there it was! A clear second line. Still light, but no squinting needed! Since I didn't test out my trigger with FR.ER, I was only a tad bit excited. Falling asleep last night was awful! I just couldn't wait to get up and pee on whatever I could get my hands on!! So, I peed on a FR.ER, an An.swer Early, an IC, and a digi. The first three were definitely positive. The IC was the most positive with a nice thick pink line. The digi was negative. Stupid digis. I googl.ed them today at work and apparently they report their sensitivity as 50iu/mL, but I know some people get positives with only 25iu/mL. I'm not letting that negative defeat me, because I peed on FR.ER a few hours ago and it was my most positive one yet! They. are. getting. darker. Whoa. I will definitely pee on more tomorrow, because apparently I am canine and have the urge to mark my territory!

So, without further ado, the picture of what I believe to be the beginning of a positive:


Thursday, September 9, 2010

busy, busy!!!

This week I started my internship and I'm also back at work. For an idea of how I've been spending my time: work (9hours) on Monday, Internship (6 hours) and class (3.5hours) on Tuesday, work (10 hours) and small group (3 hours) on Wednesday, Internship (4 hours) today, and work (10 hours) tomorrow. I also have to work this weekend, two ten hour shifts. I won't have a true day off until my weekend off (18th and 19th). I will maintain this busy schedule until mid-October, at which point I will drop down to 20 hours/week at my job. Until then I will be working 30-40 hours/week at my job and doing 20-25 hours/week at my internship. I'm hoping that I don't get too wiped out and that if I do end up preggo, that I'm able to handle all of my obligations well. I would love to quit my job so that I would just have my internship, but due to the cost of IVF, that is not an option for us. I am just thankful that I have a job and the income that comes along with it to pay for an expensive IVF program. (please remind me that I am thankful when I am exhausted and worn out in a few months...).

The busyness has been good because it has kept my mind off of this cycle (well as much as my mind can be distracted). When you are busy 10-12 hours/day it is hard to find time to obsess about anything other than when you get to go to bed. My mind has still been racing, but due to my complete exhaustion at the end of the day, it has not been keeping me up at night. It's only during the quiet times of the day that I start thinking about next steps if this cycle fails or start wondering if maybe something is happening right now in my belly (well, my uterus, but you guys get the picture). It's hard this early on to distinguish what "symptoms" are due to the progesterone/estrogen and which ones might be real. The cycle we had our chemical I noticed that I was shakey starting around 9-10dpo and I got heartburn really easily. Well, I did have heartburn the last two days from very bland foods, but that's no guarantee. And this morning I woke up with the most intense headache (could that be a symptom?). It's so intense I'm seriously considering having some ibuprofen as the diet coke/tyle.nol hasn't touched it. But, then my mind begins to wonder....

I understand that at this point (10dpo) it is still early and there are lots of possibilities ahead of me. My beta isn't even for a few more days (Monday). I know that I am a crazy person and that I should just sit back and relax and wait it out, but I can't. So, true to my word, I tested yesterday and it was a BFN. Okay, I thought, it's only 9dpo and there is still plenty of time for that to change. When I got home last night I realized I hadn't peed in 4 hours and that it would be the perfect opportunity to take an IC. So, I did. Faint line. Huh. Well, I didn't test out my trigger with the IC, but my test from that morning (IC) didn't have a line. I went to bed excited to pee in the morning!! I used both an An.swer Early and an IC this morning. The IC *maybe* has something, the Ans.wer Early has a faint, faint pink line in the "result" window. It came up within ten minutes (has anyone else noticed that those things take a while to dry completely?) and I've spent the last 2 hours looking at it occasionally to see if I can still see it. In our living room's natural light I can look at it straight on and see the line. I tried to make MBL look at it, but he refused. His response, "The nurse said not to test early and I want to wait until we know for sure." That chemical pregnancy was hard on both of us because it got our hopes up, but then nothing came of it. I am sure he is afraid of the same thing happening this time because I know I sure am. The only reassurance I have is that I tested out my trigger, yesterday's test was BFN, and we still have 4 days to see if the line gets darker. I can't lie, I am very tempted to make my non-pregnant, IF-understanding friend (you know who you are ;) pee on a stick for me so that I can be reassured that I'm not just making up the line, but she's at her internship, so I can't really do that. I do wish there was someone I could have view the line with me/for me and assure me that they see it too, but the only people here right now are my dad and my sister and I don't plan on involving them on this madness. So, I guess I just have to wait and see. I'm already considering going out to Wal.mart to buy an Equ.ate. There was something about seeing the positive on more than one test with my chemical that made me feel better (even though we didn't get a pregnancy from that). I'm not calling this a BFP, but in the words of my sister, right now it is a BF????? Only time will tell!!

Phew! That was a long post. If you made it through the whole thing, congrats! Oh, and thank you wonderful blog friends for being so supportive and wonderful. I literally do not know what I would do without the people in my blogging world. You keep me going on days when I feel down and you always know just what to say to make me feel better. As much as IF sucks, y'all make it a more enjoyable world to live in. I promise I'll be back tomorrow with a POAS update :).

Monday, September 6, 2010

happy to be me!

It is surprising to me that I didn't post on this when it happened, but I figured I would post on it now. During the time I was stimming I went on near nightly walks with our dog, Jasper. Sometimes I would listen to music on my ipod and sometimes I would just listen to the sounds of summer. More often than not I did the latter. It allowed me to focus on my thoughts. One night while I was walking I had the most amazing epiphany: I am happy to be me! There are lots of people of whom I am jealous. I'm sure it comes as no shock that I am particularly jealous of people for whom getting pregnant is about as easy as blinking. I was thinking about these people, especially my extended family members who have recently given birth, while I was walking and I realized that I would not trade places with them for a million "natural" pregnancies. Sure, I may waver on that when I get BFNs and AF for the 400 millionth time, but I LOVE my life. Nothing about it is perfect. Our house is a mess. Our dog licks his feet all. day. long. I need to get my roots touched up. MBL sometimes drives me absolutely crazy. I say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I forget important dates. I get crabby. I am jealous. Despite all of that, I am still quite happy to be me. I love my foot-licking dog, I love our house and the big, beautiful yard that surrounds it, and, most importantly, I love my husband. The past week I have just been in awe of the man I married. He is my perfect match and I am beyond thrilled that I get to spend forever with him. It is largely due to his existence and our relationship that I am so thankful to be exactly who I am.

On that note, it is also amazing to me how much this cycle has strengthened the bond I feel with MBL. I can't quite explain it, but I now realize why people say that infertility can bring a couple closer together. I did not understand that a year ago when we first started treatment and each BFN caused me to have an emotional breakdown. A year later, however, I completely understand. He is my solid rock, the one person who gets it. He helps me believe that we will get through this TOGETHER. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Plus, there will be no sweeter sight for either of us than that of our newborn baby and the bond we will share over the sheer JOY of having that dream come true will undoubtedly bring us even closer. (we're both still hoping, however, that #2 comes a lot easier than #1--assuming we are able to get #1!).

Oh, and I tested this morning and it was a stark white negative. That means any line I get from here on out will be the real thing! I plan on testing again on Wednesday (6dp3dt/9dpo). I still believe we might get a miracle out of this!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

feeling small

My husband and I use that little phrase to describe how we are feeling when things just aren't going right and we are sad. We started using it because our dog always gets small when he's done something wrong or when we get home after a long day. It's his way of showing us that's he sad or embarassed or ashamed. So, today, I'm feeling small. I don't know why, I am over a week away from my beta (but will be testing before that) and there is no way to know what is happening inside of me, but my mind is still racing. I try not to let it, but I woke up this morning just feeling a little sad and a little embarassed. I'm sad that we didn't have excellent looking embies and that they were a little pokey. I'm sad that in a little over a week we may be back at the drawing board. I'm sad that I might not be pregnant on my birthday (october 21). I just feel small and my heart is a bit heavy. We were supposed to go to a famous attraction in Chicago today (She.dd because once a month admission is free for Ban.k of Amer.ica credit card holders and I haven't been in 10 years. But it's the weekend so there will likely be a lot of parents and kids there and today I just couldn't handle that. Today I just feel too infertile to go out and risk bursting into tears in a public place. And so I'm embarassed. Embarassed that I haven't (yet!) been able to procreate with my beloved spouse, embarassed that even IVF #2 might not work, and embarassed that I can't handle going out into public and seeing other people have exactly what I want. MBL and I so desperately want to add children to our family. We want to take our kids to neat places and share experiences with them. I somehow feel like today I'm missing someone I haven't met.

My mind is already racing ahead to the future. If this cycle is BFN and we aren't able to jump into another cycle, then will I be able to stomach Thanksgiving? I know I can handle my siblings and I adore my nephews, but my grandma sometimes makes really insensitive comments and I don't know that I could handle that. I know it's silly to be thinking about the next cycle when we don't know the outcome of this one. I did three day embryo transfers with fragmented embryos and I found lots of uplifting outcomes, so I have every reason to hope. I'm just struggling a little bit today. Hopefully I'm able to perk up as the day goes on. I want to give the 3 embies in me a positive, welcoming environment ;).

Thursday, September 2, 2010

nestle in, please!

That's my request to our embabies. We got the call at 8:30 this morning that our embryos were ready for transfer. I took a shower, drank the necessary amount of water, and grabbed all of our necessary gear (pillows, eye mask, i.pod, etc...). We got there and they immediately did an ultrasound to see if my bladder was full enough. The first nurse didn't think it was, but she said another person would come in to check. 10 minutes passed and they came to get us for the embryo transfer. It reminded me a lot of an IUI because all I did was take my pants off and hop onto the table. The doctor handed us a picture of our embryos and I knew right away that they were not the best quality. He explained that we had a 6 cell and a 5 cell. There was some fragmentation in the 6 cell and quite a bit in the 5 cell. He also said that we had two other embabies, a 4 cell and a 3 cell. The four cell looked okay, but the 3 cell was way too pokey. He gave us the option to transfer all three of the decent looking ones and that's what we did. The 3 cell will not make it to freeze (he said it is inviable at this point). We were impressed that he gave us the option to transfer 3 considering my age, but we were thankful that he left it up to us. We named our embabies Nellie, Mellie, and Wellie. We're hoping they snuggle in for the long haul.

I must admit that I was bummed by the quality of our embryos. We didn't get much of a chance to ask the doctor all of our questions, but we did bombard the nurse with our most pertinent ones later. We asked her what the fragmentation meant and she said they don't know. There are lots of hypotheses about what embryo fragmentation means, but none are concrete. She also said that sometimes embryos look bad on day 3 and turn into beautiful morulas/blastocysts 24 hours later. Last cycle we put in one perfect looking 4 cell and one only slightly fragmented 3 cell on day 2 and (obviously) nothing happened. She said that this happens all the time. She said they often put in "perfect" 5 day blastocysts and nothing will happen. She also said they often see poor quality embryos make perfect babies. She said we have no reason to doubt that our embabies won't turn into a beautiful live baby. All that being said, because our embryos were not ideal looking, MBL and I are even more glad that we did shared risk because if this cycle fails (which it won't), we still have 2 more fresh cycles already paid for! I'm still praying for a positive this time.

Feel free to tell me your positive 3 day transfer stories, especially if you had poor quality embryos. I'm surprisingly not stressed about our embabies quality because I believe they'll come through in the end!! Snuggle in Mellie, Wellie, and Nellie (please)!!!

Oh, and I cannot believe I almost forgot to share my embarassing IVF transfer story. So, my poor bladder was so full after the transfer that I was laying on the bed all awkwardly, clenching everything. The nurse told me I could either have a catheter put in or wait ten minutes and use a bed pan. I waited ten minutes and then opted for the bed pan. Best. decision. ever. She left the room while I "did my business" and then came in to take care of the pee. She asked if I felt wet on my clothes and I told her no. MBL then felt the back of my shirt and told me that I did indeed pee on myself. HA! I was wearing two tank tops and a cardigan. I did not get any pee on the cardigan, so MBL took off my tank tops and I just buttoned up the cardigan. Good times. So, you see, I have to get pregnant from this IVF because I peed myself and it was funny. The end.