Tuesday, June 8, 2010

a whole box of donuts

That is what I wanted to eat today. I didn't. I had one. For dinner. Sometimes I just have to eat my feelings and today was one of those days. I always try to set limits and boundaries for myself so that I don't end up with a box of empty donuts and stomach full of regret.

Anyways, on to why I felt like eating a whole box of donuts. I guess I just feel like I have been fighting a battle since last May and I just wonder when I will come out on top. Every time I feel like I am getting close to it getting better, something else happens or the "better" falls through. Case in point? I finally got a new job that pays me well in March. The catch? It's only 20 hours a week. I worked two jobs until two weeks ago when the family for whom I nannyed moved too far away. I have been able to pick up extra hours at my new job, but that will probably only last until the end of July. Well, on Friday I found out that the full time person in my office was leaving her position and that her position would be open. She told me that they were considering giving me more hours and asked me if I would be interested. I gave an enthusiastic "yes!". Going 32 hours a week would give me full time status which would include thousands more per year to help with IF treatments and school loans AND 50% coverage on infertility meds. The opportunity would be life changing. I lived with the glow of possibility from Friday through Sunday. Then, yesterday, my supervisor told me they were offering the position to a current employee who has less experience than I do. He explained that if she did not want 40 hours, then I could take on more. Well, today he emailed and let me know she accepted the full 40 hour position. I cried. Hard. The kind of cry where I literally feel like I might fall to pieces. It's my "I stinkin' hate infertility and it's totally unfair" cry. The sobs come from so deep inside me, it's hard for me to see an end to how I'm feeling. Sure this decision technically had nothing to do with my infertility, but it sure felt like it did. And what makes me most upset is that I am more qualified for the position and yet she was offered it because of her (totally unrelated) experience in the organization. I literally feel like I will just never "win".

Like how MBL and I wrote to a partner at his company giving her personal details about our struggle with infertility and asking her to consider offering some sort of coverage this next fiscal year and come to find out not only will they still not cover a penny, but that they jacked up copays. I told MBL that I feel like that decision was just a big "We don't give a hoot!!!" to us.

Or like how this latest IUI is a BFN despite everything looking good or how our IVF was a BFN. These days I'm even taking the canned pumpkin shortage personally.

I am so NOT looking forward to being on Clo.mid over my vacation.


  1. I totally have the same cry! Sorry that stinks! I know what you mean sometimes IF sucks so much out of your life you have to grasp on to the other things in your life. And when those go wrong, it feels life shattering!

  2. I am so so sorry. I hate it when life kicks you when you're down. And all the fertiles of the world totally don't get what a devastating and isolating thing infertility is. I have wondered MANY MANY times, why - if everything was "normal" with me and everything was "normal" with DH and I know I timed BDing perfectly around O... WHY month after month after month was it BFN. Who knows. I am so sorry your work and your hubbies work is not understanding. It is so hard. Praying for you!

  3. I am so sorry. The work situation definitely does not seem fair at all! Huge hugs to you. :(