Tuesday, February 11, 2014

every. single. day.

Wow.  It's been a while.  I have thought about coming here to write every single day.  I've spent a lot of time on the treadmill recently which means that I've spent a lot of time thinking and reflecting.  There is so much that I want to say and so many times where I almost sat down to write what has been on my heart and mind, but I haven't.  And I have so much to say but not the time to say it.  But, the one thing that has struck me lately is just how grateful I feel.  Every day.  I am not exaggerating when I say that every single day of my life I look at my two, sweet, little ones and just marvel at their existence.

I am thankful for them every day.  Having trudged through the waters of infertility and failed treatments and to be standing on the "other side" with my 2 babies is unreal.  I can still so vividly remember what it was like to want and dream about these babies.  I'm in a moms' group and there were two new babies at our meeting on Monday and I cannot tell you how many prayers of thanksgiving I sent up just looking at those tiny newborns!  I wanted to belong to the "mother" club for so long and now here I am!  Even after having Piper I would just stare at my friends with new babies and be so jealous and so scared.  I was terrified that Piper would be my one and only.  Terrified that I would never get to be pregnant again.  I ached for a newborn of my own every day (despite having a wonderful baby of my own!).  And now, there are two of them and that ache has been lessened.  Actually, Finn has been sleeping through the night consistently for ONE WHOLE WEEK, so there is very little jealousy and mostly just appreciation for the 6-8 hours of consecutive sleep I'm finally getting.

But, here's the thing.  I'm also "back" in the game.  Yep, back in the stirrups again.

It's only February and we're only on our second month of "trying" but we've already spent $300 TTC.  Last month I did Fem.ara and that was a big fat flop--it was my first PPAF and I didn't ovulate.  This month we went ahead with Clo.mid as I've always ovulated after taking it and sure enough we have one nice follicle ready to go any day now.  And while I am certain with every bone in my body that I want (and will have) a third child, I also feel amazingly content and relaxed.  When I go back to the ultrasound room I'm not worried about what we will or will not find.  Last months results just made me laugh--anovulatory! 22 day cycle!  And while it would have been nice to have more than one follicle to work with this month, I'm happy that I'm going to ovulate at all.  Yay one follicle!

I *know* the only reason that I'm able to have this attitude is because I have already had success.  TWICE.  And, my bloodwork showed improvement, which means that we still have time.  Despite being only 28, I'm on a clock.  My AMH is not where it should be and that suggests we don't have until I'm into my 30s to try for this third baby.  If I want it, we need to do it now.  One of the reasons we're already back with an RE is because I wanted to see where my numbers were.  I wanted to make sure that having more kids was still an option.  And it just so happened that I was cycle day 2 when I had my baseline appointment.  So, we decided to just jump right in and see where TI and oral meds took us.  Plus, we could use the help--MBL's results showed that while his count is better than it has been (33 million), his morphology is still severely low at 1%.  And while my AMH actually improved (to 1.44) it's still not where we would expect it to be (although it's higher than 1.0 which is an improvement!).

And, truth be told, I am LOVING having these kiddos close in age.  And I am enjoying having little ones.  Sure, some days I yell more than I should and some days I consider checking myself into the local psych hospital, but most days I'm just in awe of my little humans and all they're doing and how fast they're growing.  I like these little people and I want just one more.  And as greedy as it sounds, I'm hoping that we can pull it off just one more time.

How is everyone else doing?
Anyone else cycling right now?
Anybody else dealing with MFI?  Low AMH?  Clomid hot flashes?

Sunday, December 8, 2013

the new year

I know we still have 23 days left in 2013, but I've been thinking a lot about 2014.  There are areas in my life I'd like to improve and changes I'd like to make.  2013 has been a good year.  When the year started, MBL had just started a new job and I was deep in the throes of pregnancy.  In May we were able to welcome healthy baby #2 into our lives and that has been incredible.  Seriously, Finn is such a scrumptious, roly poly boy.  Here is proof of that:

I always tell people that Finn is how people become the Dug.gars.  He's snuggly and sweet and so smiley!  And he is such a momma's boy.  Seriously, he totally prefers me to anybody else and I completely love it :).  And seeing Piper with him just brings me so much joy.

But, onto 2014.  I have a lot of hopes for the new year.  No, I don't have a ton of resolutions all about how I'm going to lose 20lbs and fit into a size 4.  I don't want to solve the world's problems (although that'd be nice).  I'd just like to make some improvements in my life, simple things that lots of people I know do well.  So, here's my list:

1. I'd like to start getting up earlier in the morning.  Right now, Finn gets up around 5-6:00am and I end up going back to bed until he or Piper gets up around 8:30-9.  Part of it is because I stay up late (11pm or later) and part of it is because that middle of the night wake up is just exhausting.  I haven't gotten more than 5 hours of sleep in a row since August.  First comes first, I need to fully sleep train Finn so that I can start focusing on this!

2. As much as I pride myself on NOT being Type A, I tend to be jealous of those that are.  We have piles of clothes and boxes from when we moved back in September.  During my last 2 months of pregnancy with Finn I got a taste of what it must be like to be Type A and it felt really good to be so on top of things and so organized.  I basically staged and organized and helped sell our condo all by myself (while working full time and taking care of a 1 year old by myself).  I'd be happy to just get everything organized and do a better job at staying on top of the "projects" in our house.

3.  I'd like to run (and/or walk) 1,000 miles.  I made it my goal to run/walk 800 miles in 2013 and I'm less than 58 miles away from that goal.  And given that I was pregnant/post-partum for a good part of the year, I feel confident that I can tag on 200 more miles and be able to actually complete it.  Making a yearly mileage goal helps keep me on track when I have nothing to train for.  It helps keep me in shape.

4.  I'd like to be intentional with the time I have with my kids.  I know lots of women who have struggled with infertility and several, thus far, have been unable to give their kids a sibling.  I look at my TWO wonderful children and my heart is in awe.  I felt lucky when we were able to get Piper, but I always knew I wouldn't be satisfied with just one.  When we got pregnant with Finn, I was over the moon.  Actually, I was terrified and then over the moon.  I hope that feeling is able to pervade my every day and remind me just how freakin' lucky I am.  And I want to spend these days on the floor playing and laughing and fully enjoying them!

5.  I'm a selfish, selfish girl, but in 2014 I'm committed to getting pregnant again.  COMMITTED.  I am in the process of weaning Finn and we have an appointment set up with the Fertility Doc for the first week in January.  I haven't been ready to seriously TTC another baby until the last few days, but now I am all in.  I want #3.  So, whether I get pregnant in March or in December, I want to have a baby put in my belly in 2014 (how's that for a visual :).  But, seriously, I want to give my kids at least one more sibling.  Hopefully my AMH has stayed stable and my FSH hasn't gone to crap.  I'm actually really looking forward to having these results so that we know our reality.

So, that's the start of my "to do" for 2014.  My goals.  What are your goals for the new year?
Are there any areas of your life where you'd like to see improvement?
Anyone else out there hoping to get pregnant in 2014 or work towards completing your family?
Do you make goals for the new year?

Sunday, October 6, 2013

a different view

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how things have changed the last 4.5 years.  It was this time of year 3 years ago that I was finally experiencing what I was so sure I was never going to experience.  I was pregnant and nauseous out of my mind and so so grateful.  And now 3 years later there are TWO of them.  Sometimes I pick up Finn and I just cannot believe that I get to do it all over again.  I cannot believe how much has changed.  During our time TTC, I spent a lot of time trying to believe that it would all happen for us, that one day we would have the family we so desperately wanted.  There was one song I listened to constantly and these lyrics helped me hold on to hope, "...so shall this night, soon end in joy".  Honestly, I never believed that the dark would turn into the light.  I never believed that I would get to hold MY baby, let alone do it for a second time.

So, what am I getting at?  I've been thinking a lot lately about the view I have from here, the other side.  Last weekend I was helping out a local mom to mom sale and I was talking with 2 ladies about their TTC journeys.  One lady said she was done having babies (after 2) and the other offered some hesitation and then openly reminded the other woman that she had done IVF to have her sons.  And then I pointed to Piper and said, "She's IVF #2!"  That woman and I ended up talking in the parking lot for 30 minutes all about TTC and seeing an RE and finally getting pregnant after all that poking and prodding.  And we talked about how freakin' grateful we are for our two kiddos, but how desperately we want more.

Lately, I've been running a lot.  Like 25-30 miles/week.  And I always spend those miles thinking.  Thinking about my family, thinking about my future, and inevitably thinking about what brought me to where I am today.  I am not exaggerating in any way when I say that every time I pick Finn up, I am in awe of the fact that he is here.  Ok, scratch that, every time I pick him up between the hours of 6am and 11pm, I am in awe of the fact that he is here.  I literally cannot believe that I have not one but two babies.  When Piper was Finn's age, I wasn't able to appreciate it.  I was so worried that I would do something wrong that I couldn't appreciate what was right in front of me.  But, with Finn, it's easy and fun and I'm loving every minute.  I'm APPRECIATING every minute.  After all of the shots and tests and ultrasounds and holding of breath for 9 months, I'm here.  My view is so very different.  I hold my baby son and I hold him tight.  And I hold him as much as I want to.  It took so freakin' long to get here and it took so many tears to have that chubby little guy in my arms, that I refuse to let one day go by without being thankful for it.

I am so thankful to be where I am.  So thankful every day for the two littles to whom I am "mama".  On those long runs, I pray for everyone I know that's still trying and I pray for the people I don't know that so desperately want to fill the role of "parent".  I pray for those wanting #1 and those wanting #2 or more.  IF is the hardest journey, but I can promise you that the view from the other side is worth it.  Worth all the heartache and pain.  I promise.  (Now will you remind me of this when I'm deep into TTC #3?)

What gets you through the hard times?
Is there any song or quote that's helped you while you were in the middle of a challenging time?
Do you ever think/pray while you're working out?

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

feeding my kiddos

This post is a part of PAIL's monthly theme, "Feeding Your Child".

How a woman feeds her baby is a hot topic.  And, personally, I really don't feel it should be.  Sure, there are women out there who have no sense and don't care what the best way to feed their child is or whether or not they are getting proper nutrition (the best example of this was the girl feeding her 10 month old a giant slurpee), but that's certainly not the majority of women.  Most of us go into parenting with good intentions, we want to feed our children what's best for them.  We want to make sure they are getting the right nutrition.  We all know that breastfeeding is good for moms and babies and so many doctors/hospitals/medical professionals push it on new moms.  I would assume that they do it with the best of intentions.  But, here's the thing, breastfeeding isn't always easy or the best choice for women.

When it came to feeding my kids, I always knew I'd at least try to breastfeed.  And, I assumed, it would come easily.  Or, maybe, I was just hoping it would come easily.  I went down the whole IF/TTC and so I thought that my body owed it to me to this one thing right. Then I had a c-section and I didn't get to feed Piper until we were in recovery and at that point I was throwing up.  On her second day, she didn't eat for over 8 hours and the nurse forced us into giving her sugar water.  We ended up spending $120 in copays taking her to the doctor for weight gain and, finally, on day 10 we were forced to supplement with formula.  (And I'm not blaming any of this on my doc).  Piper started gaining weight and I decided that because breastfeeding was so painful that I would continue pumping and Piper would eat solely from bottles.  I pumped for her until she was 6 months old at which point I weaned so we could TTC #2.  I hated all the women who told me I just didn't try hard enough or that I shouldn't have listened to my doctors.  I felt judged for making a decision that to MBL and I was a no brainer.  I either had to give Piper formula or she was going to have to go back the hospital for failure to thrive.   My body just didn't produce enough milk plain and simple.

Now, when I got pregnant (naturally!) with #2, I was hopeful.  I knew I wanted to try breastfeeding again and I was hoping that my body would somehow have figured everything out.  I got pregnant without medical intervention, surely my body could figure out how to properly feed our little one, right?  Delivery went well, I was able to VBAC and Finn came out ready to eat.  He latched great and it was only painful for the first 30 or so seconds.  But, our very first night home I had to supplement.  He just continued to cry and cry until we gave him a bottle.  It ended up being a blessing because I was readmitted to the hospital the next morning and since we already knew he could take a bottle and tolerated formula, that's what he was given while I was gone (plus I couldn't give him what I pumped due to the meds I was on).  Since then, we've happily done a breastfeeding/formula feeding combo.  Finn gets about 40% breast milk and 60% formula.  Now, there are women out there who would tell me that I haven't tried my hardest or done my best because I didn't go on medications to increase my supply or sit and pump after I nursed.  And, it's true, I only tried medication for a while and pumping after feeding was just not reasonable with a 2 year old running around.  I'm sure I could have done more to get a *little* more, but it just wasn't worth it to me.

But, here's the catch with how things have worked out this time around, I feel good about what Finn is eating because it was MY choice.  When I knew that exclusively breastfeeding wasn't going to work out, it was easy for me to supplement.  Easy because I knew it was what my baby needed to continue to grow and thrive.  And, I'm not going to lie, the fact that Finn is used to taking bottles and formula has allowed me more freedom than if he relied solely on me to eat.  I can go to the gym and out for runs and not worry about Finn getting hungry.  It also means that if Finn wakes up in the middle of the night and I don't want to have to do the whole boo.b and bottle thing then I can just have MBL give him a bottle.  Now, I won't lie, I'm a little jealous of all the women I know who are able to exclusively breastfeed and those who have piles and piles of frozen breastmilk in their freezer.  That'll likely never be me, and I'm okay with that.  I'm doing my best and that's all I can do.  And I'm willing to defend it to any woman who tries to suggest otherwise!

Have you ever struggled with breastfeeding?
Anyone else out there with supply issues?

Thursday, June 13, 2013

still falling on the wrong side of statistics

This post could also be titled, "How Dr. Goo.gle Save my Life."

If you read my previous post, you know that I got my much wanted VBAC and found it to be much better and easier than my C-section.  MBL, Finn, and I enjoyed 2 nights in the hospital post birth, even going as far as ordering pizza the last night we were there as we knew it would be pretty non-stop once we were home again.  We were discharged around noon on Monday, May 20th and we were pretty excited to get back home and back into every day life, especially since we had seen Piper so little over the previous 3 days.  We all took naps and then ordered Thai food for dinner.  We got to bed at a decent hour and Finn slept awesome!  Everything seemed great until about 5am the following morning.  I woke up to feel a migraine coming on.  It started in the back of my head and wrapped itself around my neck and up the sides of my face.  I also had heartburn.  I thought it might have been from the thai food we had the night before--maybe MSG poisoning?  I took a Tyl.enol, a Vico.din, and some ibuprofen.  Around 6:00 or so, I decided that laying down was actually making my head hurt worse, so I went downstairs and told MBL to bring me Finn if he woke up.

Not long after I had settled myself in the recliner, MBL appeared with Finn.  At this point I had done some googling on migraines post partum and the scariest thing I read said that it could be post partum pre-eclampsia as the first and most prominent symptom is usually a headache.  After getting Finn latched on, I had MBL go get the blood pressure monitor so we could see what mine was.  He took it once and got 180/90.  I took it and got 190/90.  At this point, we decided to call my doc. While we were waiting for her to call back, MBL took it again on my other arm and got 190/100.  When she called back she had MBL take it again, but made him pump it up even higher as she was concerned we weren't getting the top number accurately.  MBL got 200/110.  I'm a 110/60 kind of girl and only had a few readings of 135/80 with Piper's pregnancy and absolutely nothing over 125/75 this pregnancy.  My OB noticed that on my chart and said that we couldn't wait until the office opened at noon and we needed to head to the ER immediately.

I was home for less than 24 hours and found myself headed back to the hospital for what I was pretty sure would be a 24 hour stay.  We called my mom, who had left for work for the day, and told my dad what was going on and that we needed to leave both our kids with him (including our 3 day old).  We were out the door within 20 minutes.  We arrived at the ER and I was thinking that maybe all of this was a fluke...  Maybe MBL took my blood pressure incorrectly or maybe it was just exhaustion or maybe my blood pressure spiked because my head hurt so bad.  I kept thinking that maybe I was just being overly dramatic.  They took me back to triage and it was confirmed that I was not being a drama pants...  My blood pressure was 180/100.  Within an hour and a half of arriving, they had done a CT scan, a chest xray, and an EKG.  They had also given me a bag of Magnesium Sulfate.  My favorite part was when they were able to rule out head trauma or any issues with my heart because it meant that I could finally be given something for my headache! A dose of dem.erol later and I was feeling a little better.  The ER doctor came in and told me my OB was on the phone and that I needed to speak with her.  She told me I was officially being diagnosed with "atypical late onset post partum pre-eclampsia" and that I had earned myself at least 24 hours in the hospital on a magnesium drip.  We called my parents to let them know I was being admitted and soon we were on our way back up to Labor & Delivery.

I spent the next 24 hours on the Mag which meant I could only have popsicles/toast/ice/water, I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom alone, and they had to measure my "output".  By the end of those 24 hours I couldn't stand up alone and could barely hold my eyes open.  All of that meant that I couldn't hold my baby (who had also been admitted due to jaundice and low body temp) and the meds I was given for my massive migraine meant that I had to pump and dump.  Not at all how I imagined the first few days of my baby's life going.  My BP finally went down to an acceptable level (140/90) after I peed out 7 liters of fluid.  That's right, y'all, I was retaining over 2 gallons worth of fluid!  It seems that getting rid of that was all I needed to get out of hypertensive crisis.  We were released on Thursday just in time for out of town visitors to arrive for Piper's birthday!

So, why the title of this post?  Well, pre-eclampsia occurs in 5-8% of pregnancies and is usually cured at delivery.  Post-partum pre-eclampsia that occurs ONLY after birth (as in I had no symptoms prior to delivery) happens in only 5.7% of pre-eclampsia cases, which means that I stood only a .3% chance of getting it.  In other words, I stood a 99.7% chance of NOT getting it, but get it I did.  Oh, and I didn't mention it in my birth story, but Finn was born with a true knot in his cord.  Having that happen is VERY rare (1 in 2000 births or .0005% of pregnancies).  Our nurse (who has worked OB/L&D for 15+ years) said that when they find it on ultrasound they usually admit the patient around 32 weeks for constant monitoring and then take the baby around 37/38 weeks.  I NEVER would have been allowed to VBAC if they had known.  Basically Finn and I are both extraordinarily lucky to be alive and well.  Often post partum pre-eclampsia isn't diagnosed until after the mother has suffered seizures and I caught it before that point.  And having a true knot can be really dangerous for the baby, but Finn was born without any issues, he didn't even have a problem tolerating labor.  I am counting my blessings and praising God that I have access to good medical care.  I have also declared that no one can make fun of me for being scared of rare complications in my next pregnancy as I am walking proof that it is possible to fall on the wrong side of statistics more often than not!!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

my surprise vbac

I started writing this post when the baby was a little more than 24 hours old...  That was 15 days ago!  Whoops!  Better late than never, right?

It's no surprise to anyone who's been following along for a bit that with this second pregnancy, I was hoping to VBAC.  I knew that there was no guarantee that I would get to VBAC, but I wanted to at least try.  I spent weeks and months doing what I could to give myself the best chance possible and that included running until 34 weeks pregnant.  The week before I was due I walked 13 miles just trying to get my little guy's head to engage and help start dilation.  When I went to my due date appointment and heard that I was only 1cm dilated, I nearly cried.  There was little else I could do to make my body do what it should have been doing.  The week prior I had scheduled my repeat csection for Thursday, May 16 (3 days overdue), but we decided to reschedule to Friday after MBL's travel schedule changed.  The receptionist even went ahead and scheduled my 2 week post operative appointment.  I decided I would still walk and do what I could to get things to move along, but that I wouldn't beat myself up if I ended up making it to my scheduled section.

All week long I was having contractions and by Wednesday they would start in the morning and intensify in the night but weren't getting painful enough.  By Thursday I was at peace with how my second birth was going to go and spent the day finishing off the last of my to-dos and playing with Piper.  We topped the day off with dinner at a nice restaurant out on their patio.  I went to bed ready to meet my son the next morning.  I got up and got ready, then I got MBL up, and I even had the chance to see Piper before we left for the hospital.  We arrived at 8:30am and started getting ready for my 10:30 csection.  Everything seemed so relaxed and easy.  We were going to have a baby in the next few hours!  We spoke with the nurse, the anaesthesiologist, and my OB.  MBL got his scrubs and I signed all of the necessary paperwork.

At 10:00, I happened to ask the nurse if my contractions had been registering.  I just wanted to know how close together they were.  She responded with, "You've been having contractions?" and I told her that I had been for over a week and they were more frequent, but not as painful as I knew contractions were supposed to be.  She asked when I was last checked and I told her Monday and that I was 1cm, slightly effaced, and posterior.  She said she wanted to check me to see if I had any progress and I had, I was now at 2cm.  She declared 1cm to be enough change for her and went and got my OB.  Next thing I know, my OB declares me a "tight 2cm" and says she's breaking my water.  All I could say was, "right now?".  And the next thing I know they're telling us to grab our stuff because we were moving to a different room.  To a room equipped to handle labor and delivery.  It all happened so fast that I barely had time to process it.

Soon we were "checked into" our L&D room and we just waited for contractions to get more painful.  I was contracting on my own every 2-3 minutes which was great!  After an hour or so my nurse came back to check me and said I was still at a 2 and suggested I get up to walk around as that would help.  Soon MBL and I were pacing the halls.  Sure enough, my contractions became more painful and I would have to stop to work through each one.  My parents came to visit with Piper and so we spent some time in the room where I alternated pacing and bouncing on a "birth ball".  I felt confident we were making progress.  My nurse came back to check and declared me a generous 3cm and 80% effaced.  More progress!  I was committed to staying moving as that seemed to help things along, so MBL and I continued to pace the halls after my family left.  Around 4:00 I realized that my contractions were getting pretty darn painful and that if I didn't ask for pain meds soon I might not be able to sit still.  My nurse had promised to come back at 4:30, so MBL helped me work through the contractions until she got there.  When she told me I was 4cm (my goal dilation before the epidural), I told her I was ready for the anaesthesiologist.  After finishing up a C-section, he came in to help me!  It was around 5:15/5:30 by the time I got my epidural and started feeling relief.

At that point I was limited to being in bed and MBL and I passed the time talking and watching TV.  We also finally realized we had never updated his parents on what was going on, so he gave them a quick call to let them know that we had not had the C-section and were waiting on baby's arrival.  When our nurse's shift was ending, she came in to check on us and spent some time chatting with us about her experience as the Nurse Manager for a fertility clinic--15 years ago!  It was interesting to hear her perspective on what went on there--as it was back in the days of transferring 3-4 embryos to younger women where a lot more people ended up pregnant with high order multiples.  She was by far the best nurse I could have asked for and it was nice to spend some time talking with her.

Around 9:30/10:00, my new nurse came in to check me and said I was only a 6 (I had been a 5 shortly after getting the epidural).  That meant they were going to be upping my Pitocin.  Fast forward to 11:00 or so and I am literally trying to crawl my way out of bed because I can feel each and every contraction and they are 10,000 times worse than the ones prior to getting my epidural.  I am in so much pain that I get the shakes and start dry heaving.  The nurse comes in and says to push my pain med button more often and see if that helps, it doesn't, so the anaesthesiologist comes in and gives me a bolus of meds.  By this point, I am in so much pain that MBL called my mom because he couldn't handle not being able to help me, so she gets there and tries her best to help me with the pain.  Eventually, the bolus kicks in and we all try to get some rest.  We send my mom home around midnight and tell her we will call when it's time to push.  Sadly, the bolus doesn't last long and soon I'm in a lot of pain again.  I get two more boluses of meds, but for whatever reason the only part of my body the meds worked on was my right leg.  That part of my body was total dead weight and I could not feel a single poke or prod.  Every other part of my body was still fully aware of what was going on.  I begged my nurse for a sleeping pill or IV pain meds as I was really feeling like I couldn't handle the Pitocin contractions.  She told  me I couldn't have either, but she did turn the Pitocin down temporarily.  I basically passed the next few hours clinging to the side of my bed, wondering why I chose to go down this route instead of having a spinal and a C-section.  Soon, though, my nurse came in and checked me and said I was 9cm and almost entirely effaced.  She said I would be complete by 5:00 and so I counted down the contractions until that time and, sure enough, when she came back I was fully 10cm and effaced.  Since the baby was at 0 station, we decided I would labor down for a while.  Around 5:45 she came in and had me practice pushing for 10 minutes or so and then told me I had to stop or she would be the one delivering our baby.

It seemed like forever until my OB got there, especially since I could feel every single dang contraction.  During the wait for my OB, my mom arrived and I started throwing up.  Lovely.  My mom was fantastic and stood by my head and brought me cold wash cloths.  When my OB arrived we were finally able to really start pushing.  It was HARD.  I cried.  I threw up some more.  I got the shakes.  In between contractions and pushing, I would occasionally lament the fact that I had chosen a VBAC instead of a C-section (jokingly, of course).  My OB was incredible.  Encouraging me and telling me I could do this.  The only person I wanted to punch in the face was my nurse (she was a nightmare all night).  After 20 minutes of pushing, Fin.ley (Finn) was born!  The relief I immediately felt was incredible.  They put him on my chest and I immediately forgot all the pain of the past 18+ hours.  MBL cried, my mom cried and they took Finn to get weighed.  He was a big boy at 8lbs4oz and 21 inches long.  His head was 15 inches and well over the 90th percentile.  I had a second degree tear that required some stitches, but that was it.  They had me up and walking around within half an hour of him being born.  Here he is just moments after being born:

I cannot believe the difference between my C-section and my VBAC.  The recovery has been night and day and I can't believe I actually got to have my vaginal birth even though labor refused to start on it's own!  Turns out my body isn't entirely broken!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

it reminds me of clomid

Today, I am 39w2d pregnant.  And I am done.  When I was pregnant with Piper, I don't remember too much of that last week except for the fact that I started having mild contractions a week before she was born and they got down to coming every 5 minutes a full 4.5 days before she actually came out.  I remember that they weren't painful just uncomfortable and annoying.  I also remember being excited about meeting her and feeling like it was unreal that we were so close. 

This time around?  I'm feeling like someone snuck some clo.mid in my morning diet coke.  I'm rage-y and angry and so flippin' tired.  And the thing is I feel like I have absolutely no control over my emotions.  It's not like I can go read a book or meditate or listen to a really good song to feel better.  The deep down emotional rage feels completely out of body and it brings me back to those days when I was on clo.mid and would just sob and sob and sob or totally lash out at MBL.  I actually yelled at my mom on Sunday because I am so sick and tired of being told, "He'll come out eventually" even if it is true.

Both Sunday and Monday were just so difficult for me emotionally.  I know that sounds so silly considering the fact that I am literally days away from meeting my little guy!  DAYS.  After 9 months it's time and that is unbelievable to me, but even realizing that, I still couldn't shake the emotional imbalance I was feeling.  After a bought of uncontrollable sobbing and muttering, I realized what it was that was bothering me: I HATE that I have no options.  This whole VBAC/C-section thing is just bringing up all the negative feelings IF gave me in regards to my body working properly.  And the feelings that came after having Piper when my milk supply couldn't keep up and I ended up on Zol.oft for anxiety.  I mean IF is a hard pill to swallow, not being able to get pregnant naturally no matter what you do.  Having a low antral count despite doing everything possible to remain healthy.  It just reminds you that sometimes, even if you make all the "right" choices, you still may be faced with a negative outcome.  And that's what having a c/s the first time around did for me and I don't think I really ever dealt with those emotions.  There was nothing I could have done differently.  Finding out your baby is breech AFTER your water has been broken leaves you with exactly one option: C-section.  And getting pregnant after having a c/s leaves you with two options: repeat c/s or VBAC.  But, there's no guarantee that I'll actually be able to VBAC, no guarantee that my body will do what it's supposed to do and actually allow me to deliver him the way I want to deliver him.  And the medical world can't do anything to help me reach my goal.  I can't be induced, I have to go into labor on my own and I'm so completely terrified that I won't.  I mean, it would be just like my body to not do what it's supposed to do.

Have you ever felt frustrated by your body?
What was the most difficult thing for you in regards to your IF diagnosis?
Did you ever feel like a total crazy person while on fertility medication?