Tuesday, February 11, 2014

every. single. day.

Wow.  It's been a while.  I have thought about coming here to write every single day.  I've spent a lot of time on the treadmill recently which means that I've spent a lot of time thinking and reflecting.  There is so much that I want to say and so many times where I almost sat down to write what has been on my heart and mind, but I haven't.  And I have so much to say but not the time to say it.  But, the one thing that has struck me lately is just how grateful I feel.  Every day.  I am not exaggerating when I say that every single day of my life I look at my two, sweet, little ones and just marvel at their existence.

I am thankful for them every day.  Having trudged through the waters of infertility and failed treatments and to be standing on the "other side" with my 2 babies is unreal.  I can still so vividly remember what it was like to want and dream about these babies.  I'm in a moms' group and there were two new babies at our meeting on Monday and I cannot tell you how many prayers of thanksgiving I sent up just looking at those tiny newborns!  I wanted to belong to the "mother" club for so long and now here I am!  Even after having Piper I would just stare at my friends with new babies and be so jealous and so scared.  I was terrified that Piper would be my one and only.  Terrified that I would never get to be pregnant again.  I ached for a newborn of my own every day (despite having a wonderful baby of my own!).  And now, there are two of them and that ache has been lessened.  Actually, Finn has been sleeping through the night consistently for ONE WHOLE WEEK, so there is very little jealousy and mostly just appreciation for the 6-8 hours of consecutive sleep I'm finally getting.

But, here's the thing.  I'm also "back" in the game.  Yep, back in the stirrups again.

It's only February and we're only on our second month of "trying" but we've already spent $300 TTC.  Last month I did Fem.ara and that was a big fat flop--it was my first PPAF and I didn't ovulate.  This month we went ahead with Clo.mid as I've always ovulated after taking it and sure enough we have one nice follicle ready to go any day now.  And while I am certain with every bone in my body that I want (and will have) a third child, I also feel amazingly content and relaxed.  When I go back to the ultrasound room I'm not worried about what we will or will not find.  Last months results just made me laugh--anovulatory! 22 day cycle!  And while it would have been nice to have more than one follicle to work with this month, I'm happy that I'm going to ovulate at all.  Yay one follicle!

I *know* the only reason that I'm able to have this attitude is because I have already had success.  TWICE.  And, my bloodwork showed improvement, which means that we still have time.  Despite being only 28, I'm on a clock.  My AMH is not where it should be and that suggests we don't have until I'm into my 30s to try for this third baby.  If I want it, we need to do it now.  One of the reasons we're already back with an RE is because I wanted to see where my numbers were.  I wanted to make sure that having more kids was still an option.  And it just so happened that I was cycle day 2 when I had my baseline appointment.  So, we decided to just jump right in and see where TI and oral meds took us.  Plus, we could use the help--MBL's results showed that while his count is better than it has been (33 million), his morphology is still severely low at 1%.  And while my AMH actually improved (to 1.44) it's still not where we would expect it to be (although it's higher than 1.0 which is an improvement!).

And, truth be told, I am LOVING having these kiddos close in age.  And I am enjoying having little ones.  Sure, some days I yell more than I should and some days I consider checking myself into the local psych hospital, but most days I'm just in awe of my little humans and all they're doing and how fast they're growing.  I like these little people and I want just one more.  And as greedy as it sounds, I'm hoping that we can pull it off just one more time.

How is everyone else doing?
Anyone else cycling right now?
Anybody else dealing with MFI?  Low AMH?  Clomid hot flashes?