Monday, October 31, 2011

embracing my story

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my story and how I got to where I am today. I've been through a lot these past three years. First it was everything we went through to get pregnant, then it was being scared out of my mind for 9 months straight, then it was troubles nursing, then it was low supply, followed by post partum anxiety... And, now, we're facing TTC #2 and as much as I want to be hopeful, I'm planning on it taking a bunch of work to get pregnant (again). As much as all of those things sucked and, if I had it my way, I would rather that things came easily, but they didn't. What I can do, though, is learn from all of it. Embrace who it has made me.

When I think back to when MBL and I started TTC, I can remember just how certain I felt that we would return from our honeymoon and I would get a positive test. As a matter of fact, I had a box of tests waiting for me. Little did I know that the next 20 months would involve a whole heck of a lot of negative pee sticks. I don't know how I would have felt if I had gotten a positive that first month. But, I can tell you that a positive after all that time, was incredible. And being a mom after dreaming about the experience for nearly 2.5 years, is better than I imagined it would be. If I had become a mom at 23 after only trying for one month, I'm sure I would have enjoyed it, but would I have loved it as much as I do? Piper has spit up on me, pooped on me, drooled all over me, and my response is always the same, "I went through a lot to get to this place." I don't take the little things for granted and I think a lot of it is because of all I went through to get here. And, even though IF is an ugly witch, I am grateful that it taught me to be thankful for the little things that come along with being a parent.

One thing that IF taught me, is to be open with my story. And experiencing PP anxiety and supply issues only increased my openness. Now that I am involved in mom's groups, I get a lot of questions about BFing, being a mom, and having more children. Instead of pretending like I have it all together, I make it known that I have struggled. The things I have gone through are all kind of embarassing. No one wants to struggle to conceive, be unable to provide enough food for their baby, and feel like they can't handle parenthood... BUT, I know I'm not alone in my struggles and by talking to people about what I have gone through, I open the door for them to share their struggles. Plus, all of those struggles have relieved me from the pretense that I am perfect or that I have it all together :). And I like it that way. It's not what I would have originally chosen for myself, but I'm choosing to embrace my story. It's shaped me into who I am and I'm pretty happy with that.

So, do you think now that I've learned all of that I can get pregnant with #2 on the first try? Please?

Friday, October 21, 2011

a new journey...

Hello to all here from ICLW :). Most of my story is on the left side of my blog, but in a nutshell, we went through a year of fertility treatments before we got our BFP on IVF #2 last September. Our beautiful baby girl was born on May 25th and we are loving each and every day with her!

Now what is this new journey my blog title is hinting at? The journey of ttc #2. Obviously, we are well aware of what TTC entails. It took us 21 months to get our sticky BFP, but I feel like I will be approaching it with a new mindset. As an infertile who has experienced pregnancy, part of me is hoping that my body is now "fixed" and that MBL and I will be able to get pregnant with just a roll in the hay. A huge part of me is terrified about what will happen if we are unable to get pregnant that way. I am SOOOO not looking forward to having to do more infertility treatments/medications. I would LOVE to skip that!

In order to get the TTC #2 train rolling, however, I need to stop pumping. I was all ready to quit about 4 months ago and, somehow, I'm still going strong. BUT, I am apparently sensitive to prolactin and AF isn't going to come without weaning Piper. I was spotting a bit yesterday and I was beyond's so weird to actually want AF to arrive! I'm hoping that November will bring me my first PPAF (post partum aunt flow) and that we will be able to officially start TTC. In my head I've decided that if we aren't pregnant by Piper's first birthday, we will begin treatments again, but I know myself too well and I may want to start sooner than that (if necessary and if I can convince MBL :). Temping, charting, and OPKs will soon be a big part of my life again. And, I imagine, so will BFNs. I just hope there is another BFP in my future. Now that I know what a joy it is to be a parent, I can't wait to do it again...

Saturday, October 15, 2011

old familiar places...

Monday was a good day. First, I went to my moms' group and we put together an apple pie. I didn't actually bake it as I can't be trusted to be home alone with an entire pie. I froze it to use for my small group dinner next week. After a somewhat cranky day at home with Piper, I dropped her off with MBL at work and headed to my favorite running path. It was around 80ish degrees here on Monday and I wanted to take full advantage! As I was running around the path, I couldn't help but reflect on how my life has evolved over my 7 years as a runner. And that running path? I've been going there that entire time... Although, I did have to take a two year hiatus during our IF treatments. When I started running that path I was 19 years old, single, and going to college... 7 years later I am married, happy, and a mom! That path has seen my deepest frustrations and hurts and, on Monday, it got to see the best of me. The happiest and most fulfilled I have felt in years. My birthday is next week and I can honestly say that I am exactly where I want to be. I am sure, in the future, I will run that path again and I am so hoping that as time goes on I am able to be as sure of myself as I was on Monday. Happy and content and exactly where I want to be.

Another familiar place I will be visiting again? This lovely city:

And this time? We are attempting it with a 5 month old!! Yep, that's right, we're bringing the baby. MBL is pretty excited about showing her one of our favorite cities. And I'm pretty excited to go there again! The last time we went was in November of 2009 and we were just about to start our first IVF cycle. We were full of hope and certain that by January we would have our much desired positive pee stick. One sore point of the trip was that we had applied to get financial help with our IVF meds as we were paying out of pocket and I was about to leave on a day of sightseeing when I got the call that we were denied coverage. I remember holding back tears at each museum I visited. I was crushed and so certain that it meant doom for our journey to baby. But, that is just about the only IF related sore that I remember from that trip. Mostly I remember having a great time hopping from museum to museum and going out in the evenings with MBL. I LOVED the city and I'm both excited and anxious to try and navigate it with a baby in tow. I'm sure there are other people in NYC with infants who get around just fine :). I am so thankful that on this trip I won't be holding back tears or worrying about shots. SO. THANKFUL.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

A decision?

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back here and update on our "are we moving?" situation. Basically, since my initial post, there has been a lot of back and forth communcation between MBL and I. Yes, it's odd to say that I am "communicating" with my spouse, but we have been crazy busy here and we've nearly had to schedule time to chat!

To make a long story short, we decided to tell International that we are interested in having MBL take a temporary position with them. The way it would work is that MBL and I would go over to The Netherlands for 3-6 months so that MBL could get to know the office over there and establish himself as a knowledgeable and dependable part of the team. We would then come back here and MBL would continue to work for International for the following year and a half. At that point, he would go back to his current position at the US side of the company. We realized that we cannot move to Chic.ago or The Nether.lands full time right now because our house is not in sellable condition. We would have to put quite a bit of money into to get it on the market, and it is highly unlikely that we would see a return on that money... So, we are keeping our home base here :).

Nothing is official yet, as MBL has to send International the "number" he is thinking as far as salary. And I have more exciting details to share, but I will have to come back here to do that, as I am wiped out from a week of single mom-ing it and my bed is calling out to me!