Monday, June 21, 2010

spoke too soon

Remember that last post? Where I said the meaner version of my self post-clo.mid/pre-ovulation seems to be absent this month? Well, I was wrong. Somewhat. I'm not feeling near as pissy as I normally do, but I am feeling hormonal and quite upset. All it took? One innocent peek into a face.book photo album from a trip to Bor.a Bor.a. I seriously was expecting to just spend some time perusing photos from a vacation and then BAM! about five or so photos in I'm greeted with the most glorious, beautiful preggo belly. And immediately? I wanted to eat a whole box of donuts followed by an entire pizza and a case of beer, but first? I wanted to cry every tear I have left. The ironic thing about all of this? The album belongs to one of MBL's coworkers. A coworker who went out of his way to tell us that he and his wife needed fertility treatments to get all three of their children (assuming these pictures are recent, this is baby #4, and we have no idea if fertility treatments were used). I was already in the middle of a texting MBL and so I asked if he knew about this and he didn't. MBL thinks they didn't say anything because of our situation. Ugh. I kind of hate that we are the people from whom others have to hide their good news.

Okay, I REALLY hate that we're those people. But, I am going to feel envious of every preggo I encounter until I have my own belly to wield around. And even then, I cannot promise that I won't be overcome with feelings of envy. (I've heard that pregnancy does not an infertility scar erase). I have no doubt that MBL is now dreading coming home tonight as having Debbie Downer as a wife is about as much fun as having a root canal with no anaesthesia. Blah. How I wish we were doing IVF in July, just because that would mean it was one month sooner and my potential for a BFP that much closer!

12 comments:

  1. Oh, I am so sorry. How annoying. I don't know what I hate more: seeing pregnant bellies or people keeping secrets because they don't want to hurt my feelings. It's all obnoxious to me.

    (((hugs))) I hope tomorrow is a better day.

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  2. Gosh...how many times I could have written this post. I am visiting from ICLW. We are MFI, did 2 IUI's, 1 IVF w/ICSI, and back to IUI's...2nd-finally with success (our miracle is 6 months now). You will be in my thoughts! You are not alone... Wishing you all the best!
    M

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  3. katie: my sentiments exactly! glad i'm not alone!

    michelle: thanks for stopping by and giving me hope!

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  4. I totally understand... it is so difficult. In the next 2-5 weeks I am going to watch two of my best friends give birth... we have been trying before either of them. It is so hard to want to be happy, but just not finding that emotion.

    One of the hardest things for me is - how do you support each other in infertility/pregnancy loss, etc?... because you can join together and support each other, but at the end, SOMEONE is bound to get pregnant and the rest feel like a failure once again. Praying for you Christine... :-)

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  5. I share your worry... I have a sneaking suspicion that two of my friends aren't telling me about their family building plans because of our problems conceiving. On the other hand, another friend of mine is getting married soon and has no trouble telling me how she's going to "start popping out babies right away," even though she's one of the few people I've trusted with our struggles. Even though she knows that every baby I will ever have must be thoroughly planned, cost $15,000 minimum, and require a huge amount of effort and pain just to conceive, she still tells me she's going to "pop them out" like she's some kind of freaking Pez dispenser. We IFers just can't win no matter what we do!!!

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  6. Hello! My DH and I also have MFI, so I'm definitely interested in your story. I know the feeling of being not-so-pleasantly surprised by a belly. And sometimes it doesn't matter if the pregnant person used fertility treatments or not. The fact is, they're still pregnant. I'm sorry it ruined the day for you. Best of luck to you though, you're in my thoughts. Here's hoping for better days to come!

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  7. It is so hard to see that on facebook. I'm sorry it ruined your day. Good luck!

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  8. Ahh honey, I'm sorry. You'll have a cute pregnant belly soon, I'm sure of it. :-) I understand how you feel. Currently I have 3 pregnant sister in laws, and 1 pregnant cousin that I see on a regular basis. I'm the odd woman out. Its terrible.

    Keep your head up, hold on to your smile. :-)

    Ashlee
    ICLW #180

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  9. I know what you mean, about the envy. I have it BAD. Bad bad bad. And no, unfortunately it doesnt go away once you ARE pregnant, then it switches to just being angry at people who got pg easily!! Hope your moods even out for you, as if its not bad enough that we have these feelings, we really DONT need them exacerbated by hormone medications!

    xxx

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  10. I totally understand. I actually volunteered to prego belly shots for a friend for her hubby. WHAT was I thinking? And I'm pretty sure that even if I manage a Pg belly, I will never lose the envy, the wonder of thinking what it would be like to do it the easy way, to BD my way to a baby.....

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  11. Argh. Simply, Argh. I hear you. In the time that I've been struggling with infertility, my friend has popped out 2 kids already. If there is such a thing, I'm frustratingly happy for her.

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  12. Yes! The envy makes me wish I were a better person. I am trying every day to be one.

    ICLW #41

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