Sunday, October 6, 2013

a different view

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how things have changed the last 4.5 years.  It was this time of year 3 years ago that I was finally experiencing what I was so sure I was never going to experience.  I was pregnant and nauseous out of my mind and so so grateful.  And now 3 years later there are TWO of them.  Sometimes I pick up Finn and I just cannot believe that I get to do it all over again.  I cannot believe how much has changed.  During our time TTC, I spent a lot of time trying to believe that it would all happen for us, that one day we would have the family we so desperately wanted.  There was one song I listened to constantly and these lyrics helped me hold on to hope, " shall this night, soon end in joy".  Honestly, I never believed that the dark would turn into the light.  I never believed that I would get to hold MY baby, let alone do it for a second time.

So, what am I getting at?  I've been thinking a lot lately about the view I have from here, the other side.  Last weekend I was helping out a local mom to mom sale and I was talking with 2 ladies about their TTC journeys.  One lady said she was done having babies (after 2) and the other offered some hesitation and then openly reminded the other woman that she had done IVF to have her sons.  And then I pointed to Piper and said, "She's IVF #2!"  That woman and I ended up talking in the parking lot for 30 minutes all about TTC and seeing an RE and finally getting pregnant after all that poking and prodding.  And we talked about how freakin' grateful we are for our two kiddos, but how desperately we want more.

Lately, I've been running a lot.  Like 25-30 miles/week.  And I always spend those miles thinking.  Thinking about my family, thinking about my future, and inevitably thinking about what brought me to where I am today.  I am not exaggerating in any way when I say that every time I pick Finn up, I am in awe of the fact that he is here.  Ok, scratch that, every time I pick him up between the hours of 6am and 11pm, I am in awe of the fact that he is here.  I literally cannot believe that I have not one but two babies.  When Piper was Finn's age, I wasn't able to appreciate it.  I was so worried that I would do something wrong that I couldn't appreciate what was right in front of me.  But, with Finn, it's easy and fun and I'm loving every minute.  I'm APPRECIATING every minute.  After all of the shots and tests and ultrasounds and holding of breath for 9 months, I'm here.  My view is so very different.  I hold my baby son and I hold him tight.  And I hold him as much as I want to.  It took so freakin' long to get here and it took so many tears to have that chubby little guy in my arms, that I refuse to let one day go by without being thankful for it.

I am so thankful to be where I am.  So thankful every day for the two littles to whom I am "mama".  On those long runs, I pray for everyone I know that's still trying and I pray for the people I don't know that so desperately want to fill the role of "parent".  I pray for those wanting #1 and those wanting #2 or more.  IF is the hardest journey, but I can promise you that the view from the other side is worth it.  Worth all the heartache and pain.  I promise.  (Now will you remind me of this when I'm deep into TTC #3?)

What gets you through the hard times?
Is there any song or quote that's helped you while you were in the middle of a challenging time?
Do you ever think/pray while you're working out?