Wednesday, September 22, 2010

What lies ahead...

So, I have an order from my RE for an ultrasound for later next week. My RE's office explained that I could get the ultrasound done at my Ob/Gyn's office and I decided to do that instead of at the hospital radiology department so that they would tell me what was going on. I also decided that I would call them and tell them I did IVF to get pregnant and that I have an order for an early ultrasound because of that. I neglected to mention the specific dates for which the ultrasound order is good. The receptionist was nice and explained she couldn't book me for such an early ultrasound without getting approval from a doctor and that she would put a note in my chart for someone to call me about it. They called me less than two hours later and said that another doctor in the practice had reviewed my chart and said it was fine for me to come in for an ultrasound. They transferred me to the appointment making lady and she said that it would be best if I came in late this week or early next week because if I came in any earlier they might not be able to see anything. I said early next week would work best and booked my appointment for Monday at 8:45. I will be exactly 6 weeks. I'm hoping to see a baby in my uterus and the flickering of the heartbeat. I have to work all weekend, so I'm hoping the time flies between now and then. Moral of the story, while I didn't necessarily *lie* about my ultrasound, I didn't correct them when they offered me an earlier date.

I am actually feeling pretty good about things. Maybe that's a cocky thing to say, but my numbers look good and I have every reason to believe that I'll see something on Monday. But my secret deep down fear?? Is that the ultrasound screen will just show my regular old uterus and ovaries, no baby. It feels too unreal. I'm kind of in denial that I truly can't have a drink with dinner or that I *have* to avoid certain kinds of foods because, well, I am pregnant. Am I in denial? Maybe. Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop? Definitely. Despite all this do I still believe that I will have a baby in May? Yes and that scares me. This whole journey has been disappointing and hard and I'm supposed to be happy and elated and I am, but very VERY cautiously so. I just don't want to let my guard down and then be disappointed. Stupid IF, you've stolen my early pregnancy joy!! All I keep thinking is that if I were a regular ole' fertile, I would accept my positive pregnancy tests as proof that I am indeed knocked up and go weeks without any true affirmation of that fact. Me? I needed three betas and I still don't believe it!

I'm crossing everything that Monday brings us the best news and that seeing our little one on the ultrasound allows me to sigh for the first time in almost two years.

16 comments:

  1. :-( That baby or babies are in there and I can't wait for you to see somethign more in your ultrasound than your boring ole uterus. I hope you can get some of that joy that IF has stolen.

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  2. I totally get it, even with 4 early u/s under my belt. I am now in withdrawal from weekly updates. How do the fertiles do it? Just blindly trust? Can't wait to hear about your u/s, and there should be a visible hb by then. We heard it, too, if they do it via dildocam :) good luck!

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  3. I know it's hard, but trust me... try to enjoy every minute. When I look back on my time of pregnancy, I am so grateful I loved every moment. Your baby is hugging you, so don't be too afraid to hug him or her back with all your heart! I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you all weekend. :)

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  4. good luck -- i'm sure everything will be fine..and oh, to see the tiny flicker of a heartbeat! i'm glad they fit you in and put your mind at ease (even if just a little bit)...i look forward to hearing how the u/s went. and yes, you're right; stupid IF messing everything up when it should be a relaxing and exciting time. *hugs*

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  5. I know exactly how you feel - I went in for our first ultrasound at 5.5 weeks and KNEW that there would be nothing there. She's now 10 months old and full of beans (minestrone for dinner). Wishing you as much success as I had. ICLW

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  6. I so get that early pregnancy joy theft. Just take it one day at a time and before you know it you'll have stopped worrying. :) xxx

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  7. I think its totally normal to be so cautious and a little in denial, you are just protecting your heart.
    I hope you get wonderful news at your scan!

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  8. Fingers and toes are crossed for you. I agree that it is normal to be nervous. I am sure every pregnant woman is, but after what you went through to get here it is totally understandable. Hoping for good news on Monday.

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  9. I totally understand. I have had 4 betas, 3 ultrasounds, and heard the heartbeat 4 times and I still sometimes feel like there's no way this can REALLY be happening. But it is - and it is happening for you too!! I hope you can see a little flickering heartbeat in there! And you will see SOMETHING on your ultrasound for certain. With your beta's, by later next week you will for sure be able to see something. And you would not have beta's like that if your uterus was empty. :-)

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  10. You aren't being cocky. You are being confident and that's a GOOD thing! Fingers are still crossed for you, and I hope you get wonderful news at your scan.

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  11. I waited for the other shoe to drop all the way to the delivery room. :)

    Try to enjoy every second of it!

    ICLW #141

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  12. With those beta numbers, you might see more than one "something" on Monday! And I think there's nothing wrong with a little white lie to get the reassurance that you need--after all you've been through to get to this point, you deserve to feel relaxed and able to enjoy being pregnant!

    Happy ICLW!
    ~ #54

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  13. I totally understand - I didn't stop waiting for the other shoe to drop until week 16 at my last doctors appointment where she verified that I was indeed feeling the baby kick. Now that I feel movement, I rest much easier. It does screw with your head that is for sure!

    I do want to give you a heads up because someone did the same for me and I'm so thankful. When they do the first u/s at the doctors the tech won't even look at your uterus for a while - so they'll be quiet for about 10-15 minutes while they check everything else out. Then they get to the good stuff! I'm glad I knew that going in because my tech was tight lipped until she brought our baby on the screen and then flipped the monitor around for us to see.

    ICLW #115
    http://lovelyladybump.blogspot.com/

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  14. I've had 3 betas and 2 u/s and I still can't believe I'm pregnant. It still seems so unreal and each time I go back to the doctor I'm afraid it will all be gone. I'm hoping I can relax soon.

    Congrats on your pregnancy...Happy ICLW!

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  15. Such a long wait until Monday. Then you will see that cute little bean growing inside you.

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