Monday, September 6, 2010

happy to be me!

It is surprising to me that I didn't post on this when it happened, but I figured I would post on it now. During the time I was stimming I went on near nightly walks with our dog, Jasper. Sometimes I would listen to music on my ipod and sometimes I would just listen to the sounds of summer. More often than not I did the latter. It allowed me to focus on my thoughts. One night while I was walking I had the most amazing epiphany: I am happy to be me! There are lots of people of whom I am jealous. I'm sure it comes as no shock that I am particularly jealous of people for whom getting pregnant is about as easy as blinking. I was thinking about these people, especially my extended family members who have recently given birth, while I was walking and I realized that I would not trade places with them for a million "natural" pregnancies. Sure, I may waver on that when I get BFNs and AF for the 400 millionth time, but I LOVE my life. Nothing about it is perfect. Our house is a mess. Our dog licks his feet all. day. long. I need to get my roots touched up. MBL sometimes drives me absolutely crazy. I say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I forget important dates. I get crabby. I am jealous. Despite all of that, I am still quite happy to be me. I love my foot-licking dog, I love our house and the big, beautiful yard that surrounds it, and, most importantly, I love my husband. The past week I have just been in awe of the man I married. He is my perfect match and I am beyond thrilled that I get to spend forever with him. It is largely due to his existence and our relationship that I am so thankful to be exactly who I am.

On that note, it is also amazing to me how much this cycle has strengthened the bond I feel with MBL. I can't quite explain it, but I now realize why people say that infertility can bring a couple closer together. I did not understand that a year ago when we first started treatment and each BFN caused me to have an emotional breakdown. A year later, however, I completely understand. He is my solid rock, the one person who gets it. He helps me believe that we will get through this TOGETHER. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Plus, there will be no sweeter sight for either of us than that of our newborn baby and the bond we will share over the sheer JOY of having that dream come true will undoubtedly bring us even closer. (we're both still hoping, however, that #2 comes a lot easier than #1--assuming we are able to get #1!).

Oh, and I tested this morning and it was a stark white negative. That means any line I get from here on out will be the real thing! I plan on testing again on Wednesday (6dp3dt/9dpo). I still believe we might get a miracle out of this!


  1. This was such a wonderful post to read! I am so happy to hear this :) and I am hoping for some positive tests coming your way!

  2. Thanks for this post. I've never appreciated my husband more than during this process. We are lucky to have such great partners!

  3. This post made me smile! I am happy you are happy.

  4. This is lovely and I think it is amazing that you can find ways to appreciate what you have during all of this mess. I know that is far from easy.
    I am hoping that this is it for you guys and continue to hope for a BFP at the end of this cycle.