What lies ahead...

So, I have an order from my RE for an ultrasound for later next week. My RE's office explained that I could get the ultrasound done at my Ob/Gyn's office and I decided to do that instead of at the hospital radiology department so that they would tell me what was going on. I also decided that I would call them and tell them I did IVF to get pregnant and that I have an order for an early ultrasound because of that. I neglected to mention the specific dates for which the ultrasound order is good. The receptionist was nice and explained she couldn't book me for such an early ultrasound without getting approval from a doctor and that she would put a note in my chart for someone to call me about it. They called me less than two hours later and said that another doctor in the practice had reviewed my chart and said it was fine for me to come in for an ultrasound. They transferred me to the appointment making lady and she said that it would be best if I came in late this week or early next week because if I came in any earlier they might not be able to see anything. I said early next week would work best and booked my appointment for Monday at 8:45. I will be exactly 6 weeks. I'm hoping to see a baby in my uterus and the flickering of the heartbeat. I have to work all weekend, so I'm hoping the time flies between now and then. Moral of the story, while I didn't necessarily *lie* about my ultrasound, I didn't correct them when they offered me an earlier date.

I am actually feeling pretty good about things. Maybe that's a cocky thing to say, but my numbers look good and I have every reason to believe that I'll see something on Monday. But my secret deep down fear?? Is that the ultrasound screen will just show my regular old uterus and ovaries, no baby. It feels too unreal. I'm kind of in denial that I truly can't have a drink with dinner or that I *have* to avoid certain kinds of foods because, well, I am pregnant. Am I in denial? Maybe. Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop? Definitely. Despite all this do I still believe that I will have a baby in May? Yes and that scares me. This whole journey has been disappointing and hard and I'm supposed to be happy and elated and I am, but very VERY cautiously so. I just don't want to let my guard down and then be disappointed. Stupid IF, you've stolen my early pregnancy joy!! All I keep thinking is that if I were a regular ole' fertile, I would accept my positive pregnancy tests as proof that I am indeed knocked up and go weeks without any true affirmation of that fact. Me? I needed three betas and I still don't believe it!

I'm crossing everything that Monday brings us the best news and that seeing our little one on the ultrasound allows me to sigh for the first time in almost two years.