My husband and I use that little phrase to describe how we are feeling when things just aren't going right and we are sad. We started using it because our dog always gets small when he's done something wrong or when we get home after a long day. It's his way of showing us that's he sad or embarassed or ashamed. So, today, I'm feeling small. I don't know why, I am over a week away from my beta (but will be testing before that) and there is no way to know what is happening inside of me, but my mind is still racing. I try not to let it, but I woke up this morning just feeling a little sad and a little embarassed. I'm sad that we didn't have excellent looking embies and that they were a little pokey. I'm sad that in a little over a week we may be back at the drawing board. I'm sad that I might not be pregnant on my birthday (october 21). I just feel small and my heart is a bit heavy. We were supposed to go to a famous attraction in Chicago today (She.dd Aquari.um) because once a month admission is free for Ban.k of Amer.ica credit card holders and I haven't been in 10 years. But it's the weekend so there will likely be a lot of parents and kids there and today I just couldn't handle that. Today I just feel too infertile to go out and risk bursting into tears in a public place. And so I'm embarassed. Embarassed that I haven't (yet!) been able to procreate with my beloved spouse, embarassed that even IVF #2 might not work, and embarassed that I can't handle going out into public and seeing other people have exactly what I want. MBL and I so desperately want to add children to our family. We want to take our kids to neat places and share experiences with them. I somehow feel like today I'm missing someone I haven't met.
My mind is already racing ahead to the future. If this cycle is BFN and we aren't able to jump into another cycle, then will I be able to stomach Thanksgiving? I know I can handle my siblings and I adore my nephews, but my grandma sometimes makes really insensitive comments and I don't know that I could handle that. I know it's silly to be thinking about the next cycle when we don't know the outcome of this one. I did goo.gle three day embryo transfers with fragmented embryos and I found lots of uplifting outcomes, so I have every reason to hope. I'm just struggling a little bit today. Hopefully I'm able to perk up as the day goes on. I want to give the 3 embies in me a positive, welcoming environment ;).