busy, busy!!!

This week I started my internship and I'm also back at work. For an idea of how I've been spending my time: work (9hours) on Monday, Internship (6 hours) and class (3.5hours) on Tuesday, work (10 hours) and small group (3 hours) on Wednesday, Internship (4 hours) today, and work (10 hours) tomorrow. I also have to work this weekend, two ten hour shifts. I won't have a true day off until my weekend off (18th and 19th). I will maintain this busy schedule until mid-October, at which point I will drop down to 20 hours/week at my job. Until then I will be working 30-40 hours/week at my job and doing 20-25 hours/week at my internship. I'm hoping that I don't get too wiped out and that if I do end up preggo, that I'm able to handle all of my obligations well. I would love to quit my job so that I would just have my internship, but due to the cost of IVF, that is not an option for us. I am just thankful that I have a job and the income that comes along with it to pay for an expensive IVF program. (please remind me that I am thankful when I am exhausted and worn out in a few months...).

The busyness has been good because it has kept my mind off of this cycle (well as much as my mind can be distracted). When you are busy 10-12 hours/day it is hard to find time to obsess about anything other than when you get to go to bed. My mind has still been racing, but due to my complete exhaustion at the end of the day, it has not been keeping me up at night. It's only during the quiet times of the day that I start thinking about next steps if this cycle fails or start wondering if maybe something is happening right now in my belly (well, my uterus, but you guys get the picture). It's hard this early on to distinguish what "symptoms" are due to the progesterone/estrogen and which ones might be real. The cycle we had our chemical I noticed that I was shakey starting around 9-10dpo and I got heartburn really easily. Well, I did have heartburn the last two days from very bland foods, but that's no guarantee. And this morning I woke up with the most intense headache (could that be a symptom?). It's so intense I'm seriously considering having some ibuprofen as the diet coke/tyle.nol hasn't touched it. But, then my mind begins to wonder....

I understand that at this point (10dpo) it is still early and there are lots of possibilities ahead of me. My beta isn't even for a few more days (Monday). I know that I am a crazy person and that I should just sit back and relax and wait it out, but I can't. So, true to my word, I tested yesterday and it was a BFN. Okay, I thought, it's only 9dpo and there is still plenty of time for that to change. When I got home last night I realized I hadn't peed in 4 hours and that it would be the perfect opportunity to take an IC. So, I did. Faint line. Huh. Well, I didn't test out my trigger with the IC, but my test from that morning (IC) didn't have a line. I went to bed excited to pee in the morning!! I used both an An.swer Early and an IC this morning. The IC *maybe* has something, the Ans.wer Early has a faint, faint pink line in the "result" window. It came up within ten minutes (has anyone else noticed that those things take a while to dry completely?) and I've spent the last 2 hours looking at it occasionally to see if I can still see it. In our living room's natural light I can look at it straight on and see the line. I tried to make MBL look at it, but he refused. His response, "The nurse said not to test early and I want to wait until we know for sure." That chemical pregnancy was hard on both of us because it got our hopes up, but then nothing came of it. I am sure he is afraid of the same thing happening this time because I know I sure am. The only reassurance I have is that I tested out my trigger, yesterday's test was BFN, and we still have 4 days to see if the line gets darker. I can't lie, I am very tempted to make my non-pregnant, IF-understanding friend (you know who you are ;) pee on a stick for me so that I can be reassured that I'm not just making up the line, but she's at her internship, so I can't really do that. I do wish there was someone I could have view the line with me/for me and assure me that they see it too, but the only people here right now are my dad and my sister and I don't plan on involving them on this madness. So, I guess I just have to wait and see. I'm already considering going out to Wal.mart to buy an Equ.ate. There was something about seeing the positive on more than one test with my chemical that made me feel better (even though we didn't get a pregnancy from that). I'm not calling this a BFP, but in the words of my sister, right now it is a BF????? Only time will tell!!

Phew! That was a long post. If you made it through the whole thing, congrats! Oh, and thank you wonderful blog friends for being so supportive and wonderful. I literally do not know what I would do without the people in my blogging world. You keep me going on days when I feel down and you always know just what to say to make me feel better. As much as IF sucks, y'all make it a more enjoyable world to live in. I promise I'll be back tomorrow with a POAS update :).