retrieved!

At exactly 1:50am Sunday morning, I took my trigger shot. MBL got up with me to offer moral support. Our clinic had us use Nov.arel, but had me inject it subcutaneously rather than intramuscularly. I think it hurt more than if I had done it in my backside and I have a nice bruise from it, but it's all for a good cause! Anyways, yesterday we hung out at my parents house. We just love them and it's so nice to be here to spend time with them. I made lunch-fried green tomatoes-and then my mom, my sister, MBL, and I headed to IKE.A. The closest one to MBL and I is two hours away, so shopping there is always a treat! My mom and my sister were both surprised (okay, maybe a bit annoyed) at how long it took us to wander the store... but, it's a huge place and I had a lot to look at! MBL and I need a solution for our closet situation. We have the most ridiculous closet in our bedroom and MBL has stuffed it to the max. Currently, my clothes reside in the (someday) baby's room. As we are currently working very hard at filling that room with a little one (or two!), we need to come up with a place to move all of my clothes/accessories. Right now all we have in our bedroom for clothes storage is a dresser that is too big for the space and is also stuffed to the max. So, MBL and I wanted to check out the built-ins that IK.EA has to offer and let me tell you, they have some amazing options! We found one that would go just perfectly with our decor, has room to store everything, and is appealing to the eyes. The only problem? The cost. $1600. That price is actually for two and they would take up the entire wall on the back of our bedroom. The biggest cost is the doors that go on them, they are $450 for a set of two, and of course they are my favorite part. We may just buy the shelving/storage and put a nice curtain over it until we can afford the doors. But, I was glad to see that there were some nice selections there. We ended up finding a mirror to hang over our bed (instead of a headboard), a mirror for the dining room, and some other odds and ends that will help me feel like we are actually making progress on our house. All in all, an excellent trip to IK.EA!

Now onto the good stuff. I've been retrieved! Retrieval was yesterday at 11:50 and it went well. They retrieved 11 eggs and I didn't feel a thing! Awesome. I also discovered that I am a talker after anaesthesia. When the doctor came in to give us our report he looked very concerned and asked me if I remembered saying anything to him in the retrieval room. I did remember talking to him a bit before they put me out, but that was it. WELL, apparently I had a lot to say when I woke up. He said I wasn't making any sense and that I kept talking about my sister, allergies, and protein. I just laughed at this because, well, what else am I going to do? He said at one point he asked me if I had a good date with my husband because I sounded so drunk!! Hah. And I think I was trying to tell him that my sister and I like anaesthesia, not allergies (the feeling you have when you wake up is AMAZING like you just took the most peaceful nap of your life. I. love. it.). As far as the protein thing goes, I packed a protein bar to eat after because I knew I would be hungry! I guess he was kind of concerned and the anaesthesiologist just told him that I was probably hungry. She was right!

We got the fertilization call today and it definitely left something to be desired. They retrieved 11 eggs (yay! we wanted between 10-12). BUT, only 6 of those eggs were mature. AND, out of those 6 only 4 fertilized. So, we have four embabies (hopefully) growing at the lab. The only amazing thing from our fert report was MBL's count: 27million with 63% motile!! That's the second highest it has ever been! If we had done IUI we would have had 15 million motile with which to work. Crazy. Anyways, I'm feeling kind of bummed about my eggs and the fertilization. I was hoping more would be mature and that we would have more embryos to work with, but I guess we really only need 2 good ones. They will call us Thursday before 9:00am to let us know if we need to come in for a 3 day transfer or if they are going to push it to a 5 day. I am still crossing my fingers for a 5 day, but I know that plenty of people have 3 day transfers and still end up with a baby in the end. My mind is racing. I've been so calm and collected up until this point, but this fert report just bummed me out. I'd love to process all of this with MBL, but sadly he has to work :(. So, I am left alone with my thoughts on what happened. All I can say at this point is that I am SOOOOO glad we decided to do shared risk. Knowing that we have two more fresh to use if this one isn't successful is keeping me from falling apart.

Please send us good thoughts/prayers that even with a less than ideal fertilization report, we will still get pregnant from this cycle!!

Retrieval and the end of Dr. Crankypants!!

So, I had to go in for bloodwork and ultrasound this morning. Dr. Crankypants was at his height of unpleasantness. Okay, maybe not his height, but his whole office just gives me the heebie jeebies. Have I mentioned that he stays in the room while I get off the table? Not like he hasn't seen my nether region, but I'd rather not traipse it by him. Did I mention that he does all of the ultrasounds because he is "hands on"? Yeah right. It's actually because he's a control freak... He said he doesn't fly because he doesn't know how and he doesn't feel safe when others are in charge. Have I mentioned his phlebotomist? OMGosh! She is the worst. Seriously. I literally think she is the worst phlebotomist I have ever come across. The first time she tried to draw my blood she tried both arms and then made me put my hands under hot water to bring the veins in my hands to the surface. Can I just say that getting blood drawn from your hand with anything other than a butterfly needle is a wholly miserable experience? She nicked my nerve every time! OUCH! When I got my blood drawn at our local hospital last weekend the phlebotomist got it on the first try and said I just have deep veins. She also said that other people really shouldn't have a problem drawing from me, they just need to go in deep. Well, the other nurse in our monitoring clinic also was able to find my vein on the first try. But yesterday and today it was back to the worst phlebotomist ever. Today she dug around in my right arm before morving on to the left. I obviously hope this cycle works because well-duh!-I want to be pregnant. But I also hope this cycle is successful so that I don't have to see Dr. Crankypants or the worst phlebotomist ever again!!

Oh, I finally got my instructions call and egg retrieval is scheduled for Monday at 11:50! Whoop! I have to get up at 1:40am to give myself the HCG shot. I'm so glad that our retrieval is scheduled for later in the morning because we should be able to avoid Chicago rush hour traffic. And I'll get to sleep in! Double yay! Oh, and this clinic will actually put me out for the retrieval which also excites me (our last clinic used ver.sed and I wasn't totally out and felt some of it-ick).

I'm excited to be one step closer to the potential of two pink lines!

kisses

My ovaries like to be BFFs during IVF cycles. Our last cycle? My right ovary "swung down" so that it was right next to my left ovary. Just hanging out next to his buddy. I knew my ovaries felt "full" the past few days, but that was definitely confirmed this morning. The doctor first scanned my left ovary and then moved approximately 2 inches to my right ovary. Even MBL noticed how close together they were. He even said to the doc, "Wow her right ovary is hanging down low, isn't it?" To which Doctor McCranky Pants answered, "Well, it's always hung down low." Does your ovary hang low.... Sure, doc, maybe it does hang down lower than the left regularly, but not as low as it is now. I swear it is right near my uterus and potentially putting pressure on my bladder (I had to pee three times in one hour...and, no, I do not have a UTI). Anyways, I just think it's cute that my ovaries want to be such good buddies. I hope they are a good friend to me and give me lots of pretty eggs that turn into nice embabies.

Now on to an update on my cycle. I went in for monitoring this morning (hence the story above) and the doc let me know that my ovaries do not agree with one another. He said the left is aiming for a Sunday retrieval and the right is aiming for a Monday retrieval. And then he made a joke about how the right and left never seem to get along. He has never once told me that things look good or encouraged me during my cycle, despite his claims that he feels "very maternal" towards his patients. At my first ultrasound monitoring appointment he told me he was surprised more follicles didn't develop. Nice. Way to kick me when I'm down! But, I digress. So, when I called the nurse for my instructions for this evening I asked her for my estradiol level (because I love information on my cycle) and then asked how things were looking. Her response was so cheery and the tone in her voice immediately put me at ease! She told me that I have 8 great looking follicles and that I will likely have more and that everything looks really good for this cycle. YES! She gave me the reassurance I needed! So, I have eight great looking follies and an estradiol level of 1272. I took 300 units of Gon.al F tonight and I have to go in tomorrow for ultrasound and bloodwork. The nurse was fairly confident that tomorrow will be my last appointment with Doctor Crankypants and that I will have retrieval on Monday. Sounds good to me! I honestly can't believe how fast this cycle has flown by. I've hardly noticed that we're in the middle of an IVF cycle; except for the morning appointments and the ache in my ovaries. I guess that's a good thing? So, tomorrow evening we leave for Chicago. We will spend Sunday hanging out with my family and then retrieval (hopefully) on Monday.

Really excited for the possibilities!!

performance anxiety

I have total performance anxiety over this cycle. Anxiety may be a strong word because I really haven't been feeling all that anxious, except when I meet up with Dr. Talks Too Much at the place where I am monitoring. I tend to be a perfectionist and I like to do well at the things I attempt. I was an overachiever all throughout high school and sometimes that still comes out. Like when I am doing an IVF cycle. Because of my age I put all this pressure on myself to have a bunch of eggs for a bunch of embryos. And those eggs better be of top notch quality, too. I had an antral count of 27 for this cycle and right now it looks like I have 11-13 nice looking eggs all developing at the same rate. I wish there were more, but the clinic I am going to only wants 10-12 eggs so that I don't overstimulate and so that they are of decent quality. This is a hard concept for me. I want to be the best egg maker around. And while it appears that I'm not the best, the clinic assured me that I'm not the worst either. The nurse who called with my instructions told me that everything is developing as it should and that I have a decent number of follicles. I may not be number one, but at least I'm doing okay!

Speaking of IVF cycles, I have given myself 46 shots so far. I will definitely get past the 100 mark once we do the retrieval and start the progesterone shots. Anyways, our current clinic does things a lot differently than our old one and I like that. They seem to really analyze my file and call me with a specific plan. They aren't just putting me on a set dose and leaving me there for days on end. When it seemed like my follicles may need a little boost they bumped me up to 450, but then brought me down to 375 the next evening. My last clinic freaked out that I didn't have enough follicles and ending up putting me on 450 for 8 days and I ended up with follicles that were uneven in size. So even though they were able to retrieve 17 eggs, only 7 were mature, which was maddening!! Hopefully I'll have a different story for this cycle. My e2 today was 765. My clinic is hoping for a Sunday retrieval but told me we have to wait until Friday to see how things look. If not, we'll have it Monday. It's so close I cannot even believe it!!

This IVF cycle has just flown by and I think that's largely due to my laid back attitude. I've done this before and I survived, so that fact is letting me relax. Let's hope that this optimistic, laid back attitude has a *positive* impact on our outcome!

a few things...

In honor of ICLW, I am going to share a few things about myself. Well, more than a few, I'm going to share 10...

1. I love my husband, MBL. I truly believe that I got lucky and found the love of my life and it's all thanks to the internet! Yay online dating :).
2. I also love my dog, Jasper. I haven't really blogged about him much...or at all, but he is the best dog ever (okay, I might be biased). MBL and I got him over a year ago from our local hum.ane society. He is a beagle/hound mix. MBL was REALLY not interested in having a dog, but I whined and begged and got my way and now? I'm pretty sure MBL loves the dog more than I do!
3. I am one of five girls. People always find this interesting. I do not have any brothers and I am quite happy to just have sisters. People always say they feel sorry for my dad, but I don't! He needed to have girls so that he would soften up a bit.
4. In relation to the point above, when I was younger I always thought I wanted boys over girls because I was sick and tired of being around girls all the time. MBL and I now dream of having little girls, BUT obviously we will be happy with whatever we get! I had a dream a few weeks ago that we had a little boy and we named him Simeon. All I could say was, "He's such a little peanut!" I was pretty darn happy with our little boy, so I'm not worried.
5. This kind of goes along with the two above, but MBL and I also dream of having 4 kids. I have always wanted a big family and MBL would love a gaggle of kids as well...so hopefully we get to fulfill that dream!
6. I LOVE mexican food. I could eat it every day and be happy. Sometimes MBL and I make guacamole and just have that for dinner. SO GOOD! I *love* Chi.potle and I am glad the nearest one is a good 20 minute drive so that I'm not tempted to have it more that once or twice a month.
7. I am a foodie. I *love love LOVE* to cook and bake. The other week I had three days off in a row and I made a ton of food. I have to bake at least once a week or it feels like something is missing in my life. This week I made chocolate chip cookie bars and blueberry muffins. I give most of the sweet stuff away so that I'm not tempted to polish it all off myself, but I usually let myself have a taste (or two)!
8. I love the warm weather. I live in a place that snows on average 72 inches a year. The year MBL and I got married it snowed 115 inches. The following February there was only 2 hours of sunlight for 21 days. I can't believe I survived! It is definitely in our long term plans to move.
9. Our number one girl name is June. Our number two is Amelia, but we would call her Millie. Right now the boys names I like are Reilly and Owen. Let's hope we are able to put those names to good use come May 2011!
10. I grew up in Chicago. My parents still live in the area and I just LOVE the city. And although it is definitely just as cold as it is here in the winter, I would love living on the same block as my parents. I wish they lived closer than 3 hours away!!

Well, that's just a little bit about myself! Check back tomorrow for an update on how things are developing for our IVF cycle!

sunny side up!

I have decided on a theme for this IVF: sunny side up. It occurred to me last night that I am really trying to focus on the positives here and that I should try to make this IVF cycle as enjoyable as possible. Hence the theme. It's a bit cheesy I know, but I'm clinging to what I can here :). This cycle feels different from my first for so many reasons. For one, we are cycling at a new clinic. One that I really believe is up on the latest in the infertility world and should be able to get us pregnant. Two, we are doing shared risk, which means there is little chance we will walk away from said clinic without a baby. Three, we are cycling at a pleasant time of year. I know weather probably has nothing to do with success rates, but for me it has a big impact on my attitude/mentality. It is hard to feel down and out when I can take my dog on a 3 mile walk with a breeze blowing through the trees and the sun shining on my skin. Four, we don't have to hide what we are doing. I am more at peace with the infertility monster and so more people know about our impending IVF. That eases the mental burden. It's nice having the support of people I love during this hard time.

There are things that I am trying to do differently as well to help better prepare my body for good results. I have cut my caffeine consumption down considerably, I usually only have a can of (diet) coke every other day. I have also cut down on my alcohol intake. I still have a drink here and there, but usually it is light (55 calorie) beer, so I don't really think that counts for too much. I am also continuing to exercise during stims, which I did not do last time. I'm hoping that helps with my stress level and my body overall. Walking makes me happy, so it's got to help, right? I am also planning on eating pineapple after egg retrieval. I did that the cycle we had our chemical, so I want to do it again. Finally, I have a special pair of socks that I am going to wear to each and every monitoring appointment. They are my fertility socks and they also make me happy, so they should help get us our positive result. Oh, and I plan on POAS from 7-8dpo until I get my BFP (because that is what I am getting). I do not have the willpower to wait until beta day and I really don't want a nurse telling me our outcome.

I nearly forgot! I started stims last night! I was about to take our dog on a walk (like literally almost out the door), when the clinic called to tell me that they were having me start the stims. I was far more excited than I should have been and basically beamed during my whole walk. They had me take 375iu last night, 150iu this morning, and 150iu this evening. I need to go in for bloodwork tomorrow which totally ruins my plans of sleeping in, but oh well! Then they will give me dosing from there. They also lowered my lup.ron dose to 5 units (yay, yay, yay!!) and are keeping me on baby aspirin. I was planning on working next weekend and when I asked the nurse if I would need to ask for it off she said definitely! I would say I'm about 10ish days away from retrieval! WOO HOO!

they laughed at me.

During our last IVF I complained to my online buddy group about the weight gain I was experiencing. I was complaining about having gained three pounds. All the other women in my group basically laughed at me. One woman had gained 30 pounds prior to getting her BFP. My 3 pounds probably seemed like some sort of joke. Oh, how I wish I could go back to that three pound heavier weight. I sit here today roughly 11 pounds heavier than I was last summer and 7 pounds heavier than last IVF. To put it bluntly, I feel like a fatty. A big ole fatty fat girl. I'm at a weight I haven't been at in 6 years. 6 years ago I lost roughly 30 pounds. I am now halfway to my heavy weight again. I was hoping to not get above a certain weight once I got pregnant and when we started TTC that weight was 25 pounds above what was my current weight. I am now only 15 pounds away from that weight and I'm feeling frustrated. I feel too fat to get pregnant. I want to be able to run 4 miles a day again! Oh well, someday. I keep reminding myself that if (when!) we get a baby out of this, it will all be worth it!

In other news, one of my worst fears was realized yesterday. When I came home from class last night, MBL let me know that a couple we know is pregnant for the second time. We have officially been lapped. She got pregnant the second month we were trying and had her baby in October, she is now about 5-6 weeks pregnant, likely due in April. So, someone has gotten pregnant, carried a baby to term, raised that child to 10 months old, and gotten pregnant again all in the time it has taken us to get to a place where we have a good shot at getting pregnant with our first child. I reacted like an infertile and cried while I sipped my beer. It was heartbreaking to hear. Especially since the husband told MBL by shoving the ultrasound picture in his face. MBL was not bothered by this, but I am. Especially since this couple knows what we have been through (they themselves actually took 22 months to conceive their first child, so I would expect them to have more tact). Oh well. At least they are a couple that I don't have to see very often.

And, finally, I GOT MAH PERIOD!!!! I got it Monday, so I am offically on day 3. I start stims on Saturday which is August 21st. The 21st has been a big day for us during our TTC journey. Our first two IUIs were on the 21st and our IVF transfer fell on the 21st. MBL doesn't think that this is a good sign because all of those other cycles failed, but I am still quite hopeful!! I just keep telling myself, "I will get pregnant, I will get pregnant." Let's hope next month I get to shout, "I'm pregnant!!"

well at least that got their attention

For a little background, we are insured through MBL's employer. Their insurance has been fine-ish. Nothing amazing, but nothing too bad either... Until the new fiscal year started. And I am pissed (but, what else is new?). You see last year after our failed IVF, MBL and I sat down and wrote a letter to his company asking them to add infertility coverage to their insurance. We live in a non-mandated state so they cover nothing beyond diagnostics. Well, the message got all the way up to one of the head honchos of the company who gave us a politically correct response of, "Blah Blah... We will have to see how the market is trending at the start of the new fiscal year, but we will take this into consideration." Obviously all she considered was the size of her income because not only did they fail to offer any sort of IF coverage, but they jacked up our prices and added a deductible. And by jacked up, I mean DOUBLED the cost to go to both a PCP (now $40/visit) and did the same for specialists (now $50/visit). When I verified that we do indeed now have a deductible of $500 per person and a $2000 family maximum, I texted MBL and let him know how upset I was over this and how much I think his company is screwing us. Well, he happened to be in a meeting with the head honcho of his department and his boss and yet he decided to read the text out loud to them. Verbatim. They probably think I'm some sort of crazy person, but I don't care. MBL then proceeded to say, "Did you know this well known competitor of ours offers IF coverage?" To which the other two men responded, "Does your wife work there?" And then MBL retorted, "Neither of us work there... YET." This got their attention. And they were all like, "You can't leave us!!" You see, I'm not trying to brag (okay, maybe a little bit), but my husband happens to be VERY good at his job. Like VERY good. He has worked with his company for ten years and has undoubtedly saved them millions of dollars (no exaggeration) by automating processes and, well, just being a darn good employee. When MBL and his boss discussed a raise, MBL mentioned what we were going through and that the company does not pay for any of it and his boss promised to take that under consideration. Now that his boss and his boss' boss know about what a financial strain their crappy health insurance is having on us, I hope they reward MBL with a nice raise in October. Otherwise, we may just have to consider moving to where we can get better coverage... Maybe. But, hey, at least he got their attention on the matter!! And, I have to say, I am way impressed (again) with MBL's openness in regards to our IF.

what a relief!

No, I did not get my period. Stupid AF is like clockwork for over half of my life and now she decides to give me the longest cycle of my life. Awesome. I'm over it, though, because I got a chance to speak with our clinic about everything. Yesterday I went in for an ultrasound and bloodwork. Because I am cycling in Chicago, but monitoring where we live, I have to go to a new doctor for all of my blood tests and ultrasounds. I was prepared for some negative comments from him since we chose going out of state over his clinic, but he was far more unpleasant than I could have predicted. He kept saying that shared risk programs are just a way for the doctor to get rich and he is far more "maternal" in his practice. Well, he has a 24% live birth rate per transfer and his cycles cost $8,000. My clinic has a 58% live birth rate per transfer and their shared risk program is $16,000. If I went to him (which I did not do for my first IVF), it would likely take me more than one cycle to get pregnant considering his abysmal odds, which would then cost the $16,000 we are spending at a clinic that will likely get us pregnant (and if they don't get us pregnant, they will give us an 80% refund). Basically I just smiled and nodded at his comments. He also told me that I shouldn't let my clinic put me on lupron until 5-12 days after AF has started "because it's been shown that doing that gets the best results." Obviously given his success rate, it is clear that he is likely not up on the "latest" in the infertility world. They also told me that they would not do a height/weight/BP check because "we just don't do that for monitoring." Okay, fine. I told MBL that I didn't want to be weighed anyways. The whole appointment took 45 minutes...for just a blood draw and ultrasound!! Ridonk. Oh, and when I went to check out I found out MBL's insurance changed so that we now have a deductible to meet. I was preparing for a $25 copay instead I got a $192 bill!! GRAH.

Okay, on to the good part of this story. My clinic called me later that afternoon to let me know that I am indeed still in my luteal phase. I ovulated from my left side, my lining is nice and thick, and my progesterone is 5. She said there is no way to tell if my progesterone is going up or coming down. My guess? It's coming down. If that's the case, I will get my period by Monday. If not, I shouldn't expect it for another 6-9 days. Apparently I got a false positive LH surge and must have ovulated a lot later. Let's hope it was earlier last week due to some unprotected "relations" in the latter part of last week. The best part of the conversation was that everything stays the same! I just stay on lup.ron until AF arrives, then I will go in for my real baseline ultrasound and blood test and a day later I will start the stims. As long as AF gets here by August 24th, I still have a chance at having a due date in May. It may seem silly that I am stuck on a certain month for a DD after 20 months of TTC, but this year there were two painful to hear about pregnancies due in June, so I just kind of have a bad taste in my mouth. (and, yes, I realize that even a DD in May does not guarantee I will actually give birth in that month). I have felt so much better since that conversation. The nurse was SOOO nice and as long as she didn't say the word "cancelled", I'm happy. And, truthfully, I'm thinking it must have been the chemical pregnancy at the beginning of July that messed up this cycle...because even my longest cycle ended before now. Oh well! Murphy's Law it is!

My out of the closet husband and a tantrum.

I am wholly impressed with MBL. He is apparently totally out of the infertility closet at work. He has told more than one person what we are going through and has even had the chance to hear other people's stories. MBL has not told these people the exact reason of our infertility; that we are suffering from male factor. I think in some ways it is hard on him that it's him. He and I don't really talk about why we are infertile, it is somewhat irrelevant to me. We are married and he is who I want to have babies with, so whether or not it's him or me we have a problem with which we have to deal. Anyways, as I said, MBL has had the opportunity to hear other people's stories of infertility because he is so open and honest about our struggle. We found out one of his good work buddies used IVF for all four of his kiddos (and four is the number we are going for, too!). Earlier this week he found out one of his coworkers went through recurrent pregnancy/infant loss...after having two kids, they had a miscarriage at 20 weeks, and then lost two babies after they were born. I cannot believe that someone MBL has worked with for 10 years has gone down such a tough road himself. It is so amazing to me that our story is allowing others to share theirs. I am touched that my husband is able to connect with the men in his office in such a personal way. Maybe that's cheesy, but I'm really impressed with my husband's honesty and his coworkers willingness to listen and share their own journeys.

The second part of this post is about my complete lack of maturity or self control. I am on cycle day 34. I am 3 days late. No, I am not pregnant. I am a raging lunatic. Lup.ron will do that to you. Especially when you've been on it for 15 days with no hint of AF's much anticipated arrival. I nearly lost it last night in rush hour "traffic" (I use that term loosely as I live in an area where "traffic" does not appropriately describe the slight increase in transportation volume between 5:00 and 6:00). Anyways, this morning I completely lost it. I had the most fantastic tantrum my husband has seen in 28 years. And it all occurred at 6am. I got up for my morning hoping that I would discover that AF had arrived overnight. Nope. Then my hair wouldn't do what I wanted it to do. So, I threw my bobby pins across the bathroom, stomped my foot, and yelled out a few profanities. My husband was not impressed and, looking back, neither am I. But the amount of anger I feel over my delayed AF and the build up of lup.ron in my system has taken the sane girl out of me and replaced it with someone who is bat s*** crazy. I called the clinic this afternoon and insisted on having my blood test and ultrasound done tomorrow, they insisted on having blood drawn for an HCG test as well. So, I guess I will know more of what may or may not happen this cycle after that appointment. Please, o, please AF... PLEASE arrive tonight or tomorrow morning!!

faked out. again.

My body totally faked me out this morning. The following may be a little TMI...just so you're warned :). Anyways, I woke up and I just felt "wet" down there, I nearly lept out of bed! I thought, "YAY AF is here!!". I skipped gleefully into the bathroom only to discover that, no, she was not here. Ridiculous. To say I'm upset would be the understatement of the year. I have to call the clinic and tell them that she has not arrived yet. I took a pregnancy test just to be sure. I am so afraid of what they might say. I have a feeling that she'll probably be here later today or early tomorrow, but because I can't foresee the future, I have no guarantee of that. Ugh. I am so upset I could cry. Today is day 32. What the heck??

Now on to something more than me feeling sorry for myself. A few people asked if I did acupuncture. My last cycle I went to three sessions, and quite honestly, I did not find it relaxing in the slightest. I thought it was uncomfortable that I couldn't move without the needles aching and it was always cold in the room. So, I decided that if I was going to spend $65/session, I would rather get a massage! If the sole point is for increased blood flow and relaxation, then a massage should fit the bill just fine and I won't have to spend money on something that doesn't seem to work for me. I believe in TCM and think that acupuncture is a fantastic thing for IVF patients, it's just not for me.

Oh, and our counseling appointment went well. MBL has agreed to start getting rid of things and getting work done around the house when I am scheduled on the weekends. Plus, my dad is coming down around Labor Day to help out with some of the projects which should help a ton! MBL and I were able to both enjoy our weekend and get some little things done around the house, which was great, so I think we're moving in the right direction! YAY!

Now if only that darn hag would rear her ugly head, then I'd be just about happy... Please feel free to send all AF vibes my way.

want AF. NOW.

Ladies, I am on day 11 of 10 units of lup.ron. I am 15dpo and on day 30 of my cycle. The only time I have ever had a luteal phase longer that 16 days is when I've been on clo.mid. AF still has not shown. Technically speaking, she still has until Monday to show up and be on time (cycle day wise), but because my luteal phase usually isn't this long I'm beginning to panic. Our last IVF cycle they did something really weird and had me start lu.pron on cycle day 3 taking 20 units daily. It took me 25 days at that dose before I got AF. Granted, she was still on time, coming on cycle day 28. Our current RE thinks they did a poor job of my protocol and was not worried at all about putting me on lupron again. I, on the other hand, am terrified. Especially because she is now taking her sweet time getting here. MBL and I have (non)babydanced (more than once) in hopes that would entice her arrival, but, no. I'm really hoping she gets here by Monday so that I don't have to call the clinic and tell them that I am a failure at taking lu.pron. I just don't want this cycle delayed/rescheduled. GAH!!! Has anyone else ever had this happen?? Does lu.pron normally delay AF? Help a crazy girl out! (please).

an awkward moment and a little bit of panic

So, I just started a new job in March. It was a serious answer to prayer as I had been nannying for 9 months and barely making any money despite the fact that I was working my tail off. Plus, this position is in my field and will get me "in" at a large mental health organization is the area (and as I will be done with my Master's come May, this is a great opportunity). Anyways, being new to the organization and having a male for a supervisor I wasn't sure how to handle the whole egg retrieval/transfer need last minute time off thing. Especially since it's pretty obvious that my male supervisor is a fertile (first kid at 22, second at 24...). Anyways, so I emailed him a few weeks ago and let him know that I would need to have some time off in August for a "medical procedure." I told him I wouldn't know when exactly I would need the time off until the beginning/middle of August. He and I hadn't really worked together since I had sent that email, so on Monday when we were in the office together he says something about letting him know when I will need the time off as soon as I know. Not wanting him to think I'm going to be gone too long and to make sure that I get the last minute time off I mention that the reason I won't know too far in advance is because it's a "female procedure". He immediately makes a face and asks me to share nothing else and then informs me that he "read between the lines" and figured that was the case. He explains that he is easily grossed out. I'm kind of glad I made him feel awkward. That means that he is less likely to give me a hard time about needing the time off and will likely leave me alone (i.e. not ask me any questions).

p.s. AF still has not arrived. My lower BBT suggests that she will be here soon, but I'm really anxious for her arrival. Hopefully she gets here later today or tomorrow!

On another note, I'm in a bit of panic about things around our house. You see MBL bought the house 6 years ago when he was sad and single. He immediately tore it apart and has yet to put it all back together. We have finished the living room (almost) and were going to paint our bedroom when MBL discovered a water leak. So, he had to tear down the drywall and put it back together. Our basement is still completely unfinished, despite the fact that when MBL bought the house it was finished. Our two "extra" rooms are a complete disaster. One of them has a bunch of junk in it and the other has miscellaneous furniture and my clothing in it. As we are nearing the egg retrieval/transfer portion of this IVF cycle and the possibility of me actually getting pregnant, I am beginning to panic. There is so much to be done and I cannot help with a lot of it. Much of the work requires MBL finishing some of the basic work and then we can do the cosmetic stuff (painting, decorating, reorganizing). We have a counseling appointment tonight, so I plan on bringing this up. The truth is, MBL needs to get a fire lit underneath him so that he actually gets some of this done. I am afraid that if/when I am pregnant, I will be so hormonal and the urge to nest will be so strong that MBL and I will fight more than I would like to (not to mention that I will be working and doing my internship). So, here's to hoping that our appointment tonight is productive and we are able to get on the same page on getting things done!

lup.ron has kicked my butt

I am not a fan of lup.ron. I wasn't our last cycle and I'm not again. It's side effects are wholly unpleasant. I get to go through menopause and PMS at the same time! I'm having hot flashes, mood swings, and yesterday I had a killer migraine. Oddly enough I have felt none of those things today. But just ask MBL and he will tell you that he much prefers me unmedicated. I'm more enjoyable to be around when I'm not flying into a fit of rage over the slightest thing. I don't know if I hate the mood swings or the migraines more. The hot flashes I can handle because I'm usually cold, so they don't bother me too much. Although I will say it is odd to be 24 and having hot flashes.

I've nearly forgotten my shot the last two days. I was going to go to the grocery store after work today for a leisurely shopping experience until I realized I needed to be back home between 6:00 and 6:15 to administer my shot. I nearly forgot to give it at the right time yesterday as well. The funny thing? Tonight will be the first time I will be giving myself the shot at home, despite the fact that it will be my seventh of this cycle. Last week I "did" lup.ron on a boat, at the beach, in a cottage, and at work (twice). It may get more tricky as we head into the stimming part of the cycle, but I will figure that out when the time comes! Oh, I just realized that MBL and I have our counseling appointment right at 6:00 on Thursday, I guess I can add the bathroom at the Wom.en's Heal.th Center to that list of odd places I've shot up!!

On a total side note, I always think it's odd when I am actually looking forward to getting AF. Like right now, I am eagerly awaiting her arrival because it means we will be one step closer to another egg retrieval and transfer!! The IVF world sure is a weird one.