Saturday, April 24, 2010

the closet

Yep, that is where I live. I've been hiding out in there for the last 10 months (ever since we realized we would need help conceiving). Only a few people in my real life know of my TTC woes. My parents know. MBL's parents know. One cousin and one aunt know. Two of my sisters know. My women's small group knows. But, that's about it. I have considered ousting myself this week via Face.book, but I may just be too chicken. There is one group in particular that I would like to tell, but haven't the courage to do so. I have met with the same small group since November 2007. They have been a fantastic support in my life and I am so grateful for our weekly meetings. We talk about deep, spiritual topics and support each other through prayer and constant contact. Yet these people have no idea what MBL and I have been going through. They have no idea why I have been an emotional basket case on and off for almost a year now. Part of me wants to tell them, but I'm afraid of their reactions. Just the other night the only mom in the group mentioned the woman in CA who had 8 babies at once. She was trying to explain to the group how all of the eggs fertilized and were then "implanted" in her and how she then got pregnant with 8 babies. MBL chimed in and corrected one of her comments and then I said something else about how in IVF they usually put back a maximum of 3 (or in some cases, 4). Someone in the group made the comment that MBL and I sure knew a lot about IVF. We just looked at each other and kind of laughed awkwardly. Yep, we sure do.

There are a number of reasons why I hesitate to tell this particular group of our woes. For one, the only parents in the group (a married couple), have a son with Spina Bifida and I am afraid they will think that MBL and I are just trying to create a designer baby or something crazy like that...I have no basis for this thought, I just don't want to offend them. I guess I am just afraid that they will judge us for the help we have sought and will seek to conceive our children. Ugh. Now that I type out these feelings I realize that these are the exact why I should tell them. I should use this as an opportunity to educate others on what IUI and IVF and ART really looks like.

Plus, MBL and I took my younger sister to Tar.get last night and while we were there we decided to go look at the strollers. While I do not have any guarantee that I will get pregnant over the next 6 months, I am very hopeful. So, after we looked at the strollers we made our way over to look at the swings and bouncies (just for fun) and happened to run into the mom I mentioned above. Now, she didn't ask anything about what we were doing in the baby section of the store, but I'm sure she was curious (not suspicious, though, because I had wine at our dinner on wednesday). I SO wanted to tell her right then, but I didn't. I JUST NEED TO COME OUT!!!! There really is nothing to be embarassed about. We didn't do anything to deserve our IF, it's just the cards we were dealt. SO WHY AM I SO SCARED TO SHARE OUR STRUGGLES???

I told MBL I would share with the group AFTER we get pregnant all that we had to do to get there. But, we are having a get together on wednesday that will involve drinks...so, I'm thinking it may come out. I guess we'll see.

18 comments:

  1. I hope the "ousting" goes smoothly for you two. *hugs*

    *iclw

    ReplyDelete
  2. I also hope it goes smoothly for you.

    ICLW
    http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hope that things go well, and if you feel like it's the right time to share, you probably should. These are your friends, and I'm sure that they want to support you.
    ICLW

    ReplyDelete
  4. There are some good and some bad things about people knowing. the good is of course they will understand you are going through a difficult time and will understand better when you react strangely to some of the 'normal' things, like pregnancy announcements, etc. Some of the bad are people constantly asking 'how it's going'. Hopefully you get pregnant quickly and can move on, but we've been trying so long that friends are just too embarassed to ask any more. I think some avoid me so they don't have to either ask and risk upsetting me or not ask and it's the elephant in the room. I've been completely open about it since my late miscarriage, but most people don't know how very long we've been trying. It's nice being open, even with the few other issues it brings up.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I did out myself on facebook this week hoping that someone may learn something or that someone else struggling will know they can come to me to talk if needed. It is delicate though, I know. I have always been pretty open about it. I wouldn't blame you for sharing or maintaining your privacy - it is a big step!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and I wish you the best of luck and the shortest wait possible for June. :)

    ~ICLW~

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think its ok to keep it to yourselves. You guys have told other people and have a support system, that is the important thing.
    I hope you guys can get your BFP really, really soon!

    Happy ICLW!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wishing youu all the best. We have just been told that we need to do IVF and are currently deciding whether we should out ourselves or not. Its a hard decision!

    ICLW

    ReplyDelete
  8. It's hard to "share". I only shared with a few colleagues/friends because, like you, I felt like I needed their understanding if I was going through something. I didn't want them to feel like I was randomly crazy. Not trying to make a joke, but I didn't know how else to put it.

    You'll figure out what's best for you. It's yours and yours alone to share.

    ICLW

    ReplyDelete
  9. I agree it can be hard to share your story, but if you think that this group will understand, they might be able to offer you a lot of support. If you decide to share, you could always just keep the details to a minimum. GL!

    ICLW

    ReplyDelete
  10. I just stumbled upon your blog and I'm a fellow IFer. I have come completely out of the closet (to the point that sometimes I tell strangers, lol) and it's hard at first but it gets easier. Just be prepared for super STUPID, unsolicited advice from just about everyone in the world. Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  11. share what you want to share when you are ready.
    your heart will tell you. your head might argue, but go with your heart, and you will be fine.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hello, it is the last day of ICLW & I am visiting you for the 1st time...I am an RE from California who blogs too. I have had the privilege to "meet" so many courageous women this week. I feel for your hesitation on revealing too much to too many, although I feel that nowadays more people do understand what IVF & ART can do for infertile couple. My wife & I had to do IVF in the mid 90's before there was a lot of support out there & when the odds of getting that BFP were slim. Ironically, just as I finished my training in assisted repro. we were faced with a decision after TTC for 12 yrs, clomid, 4 IUIs...so IVF w/ICSI happened to be the only out for us, & at 37 my wife went for it! We were lucky & got our one and only. It can happen for you too, just keep focused on your goal and understand that it may take just that one good embryo & little help from your RE! Take care, ICLW #7

    ReplyDelete
  13. I "came out" kind of slowly too. It was a BIG deal the day I first posted anything IF-related on facebook. Definitely scary! So I don't blame you for being hesitant. I hope you do it though, and I hope it turns out as well for your as it did for me!

    P.S. Thanks for your comment on my blog! Happy ICLW :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. I know you're meeting tonight, so I hope you see my comment before you meet. Hi, I'm Keiko Zoll. That's right: real name. I've been posting for ICLW under my blogger name Miriam for consistency, but I wanted to be up front with you. I am *very* out about my IF. In fact, I just made a video about my experience as my response for the What IF project (you can see the video here). I wanted to share this with you because being out- and outspoken, no less- about my infertility has been one of the most liberating, invigorating things I have done. I dropped the worries, the fears, the walls - and have been floored with the support I've gotten. Are there stupid comments? Absolutely. But there's been an even bigger outpouring of support and I am blessed every day that by being vocal and out about our struggle, I have helped to cast a wide network of friends and family I can confide in, who will be there for us. If you have 5 minutes - check out my video. In any event, good luck tonight, and Happy ICLW.

    ~Keiko (Miriam) ICLW #162 Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed

    ReplyDelete
  15. It's a scary thing. Do whatever is right for you. We've been very public about our IF for about 6 months and it's mostly been very positive; we've gotten so much support that we wouldn't have had otherwise. But there are certain people I would never tell.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I've felt better since sharing our struggles since it keeps people from asking constantly when we are going to start a family. Good luck to you on "coming out"

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm sorry you are having these feelings. I've never had problems telling anyone we are undergoing fertility treatments...and I couldn't imagine someone in a small group thinking anything negative about your current journey. I'll pray you'll find stregth and happiness on your journey.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hi there, thanks for your thoughts on this. Boy, I sure do want to scream about my infertility from the nearest tallest mountain top at times. I think of how I would post it on facebook, etc. but never have the courage to do it. The truth is I can make a stand and state my case to everyone but that's more people to feel sorry for us when things go wrong, more people to ask questions and explain the process and a lot of my fb peeps are woven in with my husbands fb peeps and family so if I tell my fb peeps his family and friends will find out too, it would have to be a dual "coming out of the closet" if you know what I mean. Telling more people allows people who like to talk the ability to talk freely and openly about our situation as well. So you can see this is the conversation I have with myself each time and talk myself out of it!

    ReplyDelete