Wednesday, April 21, 2010

What if?

This post is inspired by the "what if" blog roll on Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters in honor of NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week). Which, I believe, does not start until next week, April 24-May 1. Since I am an infertile, however, every week is infertility awareness week, so I am posting early :). The blog listed several "what ifs" and the one that resonated with me the most was: "What if I never see that plus sign? What if this is it, waiting and hoping for the rest of my life?" I have been dreaming of that plus sign for about 16 months now and it seems like a fable. A pretty story that parents tell their kids "One day when you are married to a wonderful, good man and you have a successful career and enough money in the bank you will get a present in the form of a positive pee stick." Nice story, right? Well, I have the wonderful man part down, we both have good jobs, and we have some money in the bank, but my positive pee stick has been quite elusive. Despite all the S-E-X with no protection, I have (almost) never seen that second line. (During my IVF cycle I started testing early and at 11-12 days after my trigger and 9-10 days after my retrieval, I got that second line, but it vanished by beta day...so who knows!)

Any ways, when we first started trying I just *knew* that I would be seeing that second line in no time and that I could start registering for cute baby things and setting up the nursery. I am, afterall, an unlikely infertile. My mom had 4 surprises and one planned pregnancy (and then got her tubes tied). My maternal grandma had 4 surprise pregnancies (and a total of 5 kids before getting her tubes tied) and my paternal grandma had 15 pregnancies and 10 live births (before going through menopause)!! So, infertility was not something I suspected. Alas, here I am. I still can't imagine what it would be like to see that second line. BUT, it is something I dream of EVERY MONTH. And, sometimes, I am afraid that I will never have a second line from anything other than my trigger shot. Such a thought is terrifying and paralyzing. What would we do then?? (I actually have a back up plan for this and it includes selling all of our belongings and moving in with my parents so that we can do IVF with PGD at the famous clinic in CO). My husband said to me last week, "I'm not giving up until we have our baby." Well, sometimes I'm afraid we'll have no choice. I have a Clear.blue Digital that has been sitting around FOR A YEAR because I refuse to see the words "not pregnant". One line is enough for me, thanks. But, I am hopeful, really I am...

Which leads me to my hopeful and positive "what if". What if I get all that I ever wanted? What if I get to grow my babies inside me and feel them move and hear their heartbeats and know their OURS? What if I get to take little girls to ballet and little boys to lacrosse? What if in ten years my days are filled with carpool and homework help and family vacations with four kids? What if I get to end each day with by peeking into my childrens' rooms to watch them sleep? What if the best part of my day is spent around a chatty dinner table with MBL and our four kiddos? Posting all these positive what ifs is literally bringing me on the brink of tears. When I started this journey I had no idea what it meant to want to bring children into this world. Infertility has shown me that they will be my greatest treasure. The children that MBL and I will parent will be my greatest accomplishment and because of what I have gone through, I will value the simple pleasures of being a parent. I DREAM and PRAY for what I listed above each and every day. I pray that infertility is just a season in my life and that in ten years I will be well into my season of parenthood. For now, I am just taking each day as it comes and praising God for the sunshine that makes each day a little easier.

For more information on infertility, please visit: www.resolve.org/infertility101

For more on NIAW: www.resolve.org/takecharge

And, finally, to learn more about why I am posting this post, vist:
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/

I am blessed to have a community that supports one another in this journey!

21 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you posted your postive "What Ifs". I get so focused on all the negatives that it's never occured to me to think about better what ifs. Thank you!

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  2. Great post! Here from ICLW and while I'm sure most every parent feels their child(ren) is/are their greatest treasure I do also feel that those of us who will have struggled for so long to have children will feel it most intensely (or maybe differently?) I hope :-)

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  3. I am so glad that such a kick-ass post is the first one on the list. This is beautiful and wistful and it made me want to give you a big hug. I hope you get that positive stick one day (and soon).

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  4. Thanks for the poignant post! I've never seen a + either and we've been trying for 15 months. Sometimes I want to give up, but we've got to keep on trying. It'll all be worth it in the end.

    ICLW

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  5. Just over from ICLW. I have seen a + but never held my baby. It never got that far. It's all a bit crap really until that baby actually arrives. My family are also super fertile so I never thought this'd happen. Hey we'll both get there in the end. xxx

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  6. Beautiful, just beautiful.

    I have seen the What IF project and I must admit I cannot bring myself to name my fears. Saying them out loud or acknowledging them out loud is TOO scary. The list scares me too, I just can't get through it, way too heart-breaking.Your approach ROCKS! It brought tears to my eyes, I love it!

    I also love the thought of IF being a season in my life. Seasons inevitably change. Thank you for such an inspirational and moving post. Your words strike me.

    Here's to hope and love and peace and the promise of a new season!

    :) Gurlee

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  7. I love your positive what ifs! It's so important to keep our eyes on what the dream really is... beyond the positive pregnancy test.

    ICLW

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  8. Terrific post! I loved your positive "what if" too - I hope it comes true for you.

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  9. What an incredible post! The positive what ifs are what kept me going through our IF struggle.

    ~ICLW

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  10. WOW, what a absolutely beautiful post. Hoping all your dreams come true.

    ~ICLW #159

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  11. Thank you for posting this and hang in there. Great blog, can't wait to read more. I'm your newest follower from IComLeavWe.

    -K
    http://mypottyseat.blogspot.com/

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  12. Thank you for this post. These are things I ask myself all the time.

    I found you on ICLW and I'll be following you. :)

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  13. Thank you, ladies, for all of your comments! They were appreciated more than I can express!

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  14. This was beautiful. One of favorite lines was "When I started this journey I had no idea what it meant to want to bring children into this world. Infertility has shown me that they will be my greatest treasure."

    I feel the same way. Thank you for putting this into words.

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  15. I agree with Mrs. Gamgee. Having these exact positives will help you through this season. I pray for your positive digital and think it's beautiful what your hubby said. Sometimes they're forgotten in this. Lots of positive thoughts and prayers! Xo

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  16. I loved your post! Hoping the your dream come true is right around the corner, that your what if's are different when I read you next.

    Hugs

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  17. Fantastic post....so positive :) Thank you so much for sharing! I, too, have never seen that 2nd line in nearly 2 years of trying. I hope you get yours soon.

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  18. Stopped by from Project IF and became a follower.

    Thanks for sharing and writing such a beautiful post.

    www.mrthompsonandme.blogspot.com

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  19. beautiful post. you are right, children will be our greatest treasures. infertility has definitely made that obvious.

    i enjoyed reading your positive what ifs. I can just imagine how beautiful that would be.

    ((hugs))

    www.findjoynow.blogspot.com

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  20. That is such a beautiful post. I love your positive What IFs also. Good luck!!!
    {{HUGS}}

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