being optimistic

So, I realized the other day that the description of this blog claims that I will be honest, optimistic, and that I will persevere. I think I am the first and the last, but I struggle with the middle. I want to be optimistic, and, generally speaking, I am. I always believe that things will get better, but in the midst of this journey I am somewhat afraid of what better might look like. I want to believe that I'll get what I want, a baby, but sometimes I get scared that I may never get pregnant. And this worry gets in the way of me being optimistic. I also don't like to be TOO optimistic because being let down (like a failed IVF) is painful. BUT, I truly should be trying to have a better general attitude. MBL (Dh's new name on here, stands for My Big Love) and I have a really good marriage. He's a great husband and I could not have asked for a better partner. We also already have a house, a cute little dog, and the money we need to pay our bills. We are also well on our way to saving up enough to pay for another IVF (if we need to). We want for very little. So, I should be grateful, and, I am. I just want our kids to complete our family and our lives. And, I should say that we want FOUR kids. Yep, four. I am one of five and MBL is one of two. He and I have always wanted a big family and even toyed with the idea of having 5 or 6. Right now, I am thinking we will be incredibly lucky if we get our four...but, since I am being more optimistic (or trying to be, at least), I have to believe that we will be blessed with the family of our dreams. My employer actually just asked me if I wanted to have my kids close to one another and my response was, "At this point, I'll take them as they come!" So, if I have four in four years. So be it...then I will be done with having kids at 29 (I am currently 24). I think the nice weather is helping my attitude, but this week I truly feel like this will happen and at this point it's just a matter of time!

On a side note, the other day as I was driving I realized just how much this journey has made me realize. If I had gotten pregnant during those first few months we tried, I don't know if I would have realized the true gift of our child. YES, I would have appreciated and loved our child, but now I have this thirst for our baby(s) and I know that the day I give birth, part of that thirst will be quenched. Now, I'm not saying that those for whom pregnancy comes easily do not fully appreciate their children, I'm just saying that for me as someone who started this journey with an attitude that it would just happen and then I would have a baby. Now I understand a lot more of what it will mean to be a parent and what it will mean for me to truly value my children. Wow, I am REALLY looking forward to that day :).

p.s. TWO shows today have covered infertility and the baby story I am currently watching is following a couple that had one failed IVF and is now pregnant with triplets from their second IVF. I love being reminded that I'm not alone on this journey!