Yep, that is where I live. I've been hiding out in there for the last 10 months (ever since we realized we would need help conceiving). Only a few people in my real life know of my TTC woes. My parents know. MBL's parents know. One cousin and one aunt know. Two of my sisters know. My women's small group knows. But, that's about it. I have considered ousting myself this week via Face.book, but I may just be too chicken. There is one group in particular that I would like to tell, but haven't the courage to do so. I have met with the same small group since November 2007. They have been a fantastic support in my life and I am so grateful for our weekly meetings. We talk about deep, spiritual topics and support each other through prayer and constant contact. Yet these people have no idea what MBL and I have been going through. They have no idea why I have been an emotional basket case on and off for almost a year now. Part of me wants to tell them, but I'm afraid of their reactions. Just the other night the only mom in the group mentioned the woman in CA who had 8 babies at once. She was trying to explain to the group how all of the eggs fertilized and were then "implanted" in her and how she then got pregnant with 8 babies. MBL chimed in and corrected one of her comments and then I said something else about how in IVF they usually put back a maximum of 3 (or in some cases, 4). Someone in the group made the comment that MBL and I sure knew a lot about IVF. We just looked at each other and kind of laughed awkwardly. Yep, we sure do.
There are a number of reasons why I hesitate to tell this particular group of our woes. For one, the only parents in the group (a married couple), have a son with Spina Bifida and I am afraid they will think that MBL and I are just trying to create a designer baby or something crazy like that...I have no basis for this thought, I just don't want to offend them. I guess I am just afraid that they will judge us for the help we have sought and will seek to conceive our children. Ugh. Now that I type out these feelings I realize that these are the exact why I should tell them. I should use this as an opportunity to educate others on what IUI and IVF and ART really looks like.
Plus, MBL and I took my younger sister to Tar.get last night and while we were there we decided to go look at the strollers. While I do not have any guarantee that I will get pregnant over the next 6 months, I am very hopeful. So, after we looked at the strollers we made our way over to look at the swings and bouncies (just for fun) and happened to run into the mom I mentioned above. Now, she didn't ask anything about what we were doing in the baby section of the store, but I'm sure she was curious (not suspicious, though, because I had wine at our dinner on wednesday). I SO wanted to tell her right then, but I didn't. I JUST NEED TO COME OUT!!!! There really is nothing to be embarassed about. We didn't do anything to deserve our IF, it's just the cards we were dealt. SO WHY AM I SO SCARED TO SHARE OUR STRUGGLES???
I told MBL I would share with the group AFTER we get pregnant all that we had to do to get there. But, we are having a get together on wednesday that will involve drinks...so, I'm thinking it may come out. I guess we'll see.