Friday, May 14, 2010

sucker punched.

That's how I feel. I feel like I have been punched in the gut. Nothing specific, per se, happened, it's just the culmination of a bunch of events/news that has left me feeling...well, left out. And scared. And self doubting. And angry.

When I was on Clo.mid in February I also experienced these gut wrenching emotions. I cannot remember another time that I cried that hard. I was trying to explain to MBL that while the meds certainly make me communicate my emotions more, I don't think that they necessarily cause these scary/sad thoughts that run through my mind. I think the meds just bring to the surface the feelings that are always there. I just manage to suppress them during other times (I think). Well, last night was definitely an emotional release for me, sadly it caused me to toss and turn until 1:15am!!! AND, today is my super early day for work, so I had to be up at 5:15. GRRRR!!! I used to be such a good sleeper!

Anyways, I hate when I feel this way. I hate when I doubt our ability to succeed at this. I hate it when my emotions cause me to feel distant from MBL. I hate feeling like I am somehow unworthy of a BFP. I hate being jealous of other people!!! I feel like because our first IVF failed, we have no shot on our second. I just feel broken. And exhausted (emotionally and physically). I am ready to be off this rollercoaster. If all y'all could just send me good thoughts and prayers that one week from today will be OUR day....that our first IUI post surgery will be the one, I would appreciate it!


  1. Hang in there! And don't double-down on yourself by feeling bad about what you're feeling. The drugs are hideous on your emotions and you've been through a lot that justifies feeling sad and scared and tired. Take care of yourself. Get some sleep! (says the pot calling the kettle black, ha!) Crossing fingers for you this cycle.

  2. Hon, I am so sorry that you are feeling down in the dumps! I am praying for you and for your BFP!!!

  3. Gosh, I totally get how your feel! I've been on Clomid and now I'm off and getting ready for my first HSG this coming week. Its so frustrating. I have faith, but its being tested right now. My hubby doesn't get it because he has complete trust and faith that God will make us parents in His due time. Anyway, all that to say, I get it. I'll be saying prayers and sending virtual hugs. This journey can be so demanding, I think sometimes you just have to wallow in it to get through.

  4. I am soooo sorry you are feeling so overwrought. It's difficult, to say the least. You know we are all pulling for you, and praying for your BFP. It's hard not to doubt, I know, but I'll tell you what everyone tells me....try to think positive to get a positive. Easier said than done, I know, but other than hugging you, all I can say is to accept the emotions as they come and lean on whomever you need to in order to make it through this. (((HUGS)))

  5. I think I'll stick to a great big hug and sending positive thoughts your way.

  6. Many hugs to you!


  7. What you're feeling is perfectly normal. IF is a rollercoaster and it would be more concerning if you were taking all this in your stride.

    Big hugs and hope you get your BFP sooner rather than later.

    Happy ICLW!!