no surprise here

Well, without missing a beat, AF got here today, a typical 30 day cycle. Seems completely unfair and ridiculous to me that I should get AF on Mother's Day, but perhaps next year I won't? I'll be hoping for that. OR, if I do get AF, I at least have a baby in my arms. Yep, I'd definitely be okay with that.

I was way moody last night when I got home from my 10 hour shift. And while I'm sure part of it was being cooped up in my office with little human contact for that long stretch, I'm sure the majority of it was good ole PMS. My PMS can be so strong, it's like, "Look out MBL she might break down or yell at you at any moment for no good reason and then be fine thirty minutes later." Yeah, it's creepy like that. What's even worse than me PMSing? Me on Clo.mid. And, you know what I will be starting Tuesday? Yep, Clo.mid. Seriously, I become a total nut case on that medication. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm sobbing uncontrollably over the unfairness of infertility and freaking out that we will never get pregnant. I seriously switch from mood to mood with very little warning. Poor MBL. BUT, he did say for better or for worse and when I take Clo.mid, he just has to live up to the "for worse" part of those vows. Perhaps this will be my last cycle on that demon drug? At it looks right now, I will go in for a scan to see how many follies I have around the 19th. I'm hoping for four again...with FOUR targets and better spermies, perhaps something will happen? Then, I should have the IUI around the 21st, which is awkward. You see, I just started a new job and they, of course, know nothing of my infertility. AND, I work from 6:30am to 5:00pm. So, I can't even squeeze in the IUI before I go in to work. Maybe I will have a "dentist appointment" that day and need to take an extra long lunch?? Yeah, I think I'll schedule that ;). On a total side note, our very first IUI was on July 21, our IVF transfer was on December 21...weird, right???

So, on to Mother's Day. It's not really my favorite at this point in my life and that REALLY irritates me. In the past I have been annoyed at the need for political correctedness of everything and just figured those who may be offended are in the minority and should just suck it up. Well, I used to feel that way. Until I experienced an Infertile Mother's Day. Now, I'm pissed that no one on face.book is recognizing those of us who are waiting and longing to be mothers. And, I couldn't bring myself to go to church in case the pastor mentioned mothers, but not those of us who are silently hurting because of our empty arms. I noticed that my aunt (the only one who knows about our fertility struggles) wrote on her wall about the mothers she knows and posted on my sister's wall, but did not write an encouraging note to me. I realize that might be too much to expect from someone who is far removed from infertility (she got pregnant with no problem and both of her daughters have birth control babies). But, I can't help but be hurt by it. And, maybe it's the PMS, but maybe it's just me being sick of infertility being something that isn't talked about or addressed. I am in pain most of the days of my life over this and because it isn't a visible injury, no one acknowledges it and sometimes that's just hard. I don't want to dwell on this aspect of my life, but on a day like today, it's just inevitable. So...whine, whine, whine...wine?? Here's to hoping that at our IUI in 12(ish) days, MBL's little guys are in their prime and just KNOCK ME UP!!