Sunday, May 9, 2010

no surprise here

Well, without missing a beat, AF got here today, a typical 30 day cycle. Seems completely unfair and ridiculous to me that I should get AF on Mother's Day, but perhaps next year I won't? I'll be hoping for that. OR, if I do get AF, I at least have a baby in my arms. Yep, I'd definitely be okay with that.

I was way moody last night when I got home from my 10 hour shift. And while I'm sure part of it was being cooped up in my office with little human contact for that long stretch, I'm sure the majority of it was good ole PMS. My PMS can be so strong, it's like, "Look out MBL she might break down or yell at you at any moment for no good reason and then be fine thirty minutes later." Yeah, it's creepy like that. What's even worse than me PMSing? Me on Clo.mid. And, you know what I will be starting Tuesday? Yep, Clo.mid. Seriously, I become a total nut case on that medication. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm sobbing uncontrollably over the unfairness of infertility and freaking out that we will never get pregnant. I seriously switch from mood to mood with very little warning. Poor MBL. BUT, he did say for better or for worse and when I take Clo.mid, he just has to live up to the "for worse" part of those vows. Perhaps this will be my last cycle on that demon drug? At it looks right now, I will go in for a scan to see how many follies I have around the 19th. I'm hoping for four again...with FOUR targets and better spermies, perhaps something will happen? Then, I should have the IUI around the 21st, which is awkward. You see, I just started a new job and they, of course, know nothing of my infertility. AND, I work from 6:30am to 5:00pm. So, I can't even squeeze in the IUI before I go in to work. Maybe I will have a "dentist appointment" that day and need to take an extra long lunch?? Yeah, I think I'll schedule that ;). On a total side note, our very first IUI was on July 21, our IVF transfer was on December 21...weird, right???

So, on to Mother's Day. It's not really my favorite at this point in my life and that REALLY irritates me. In the past I have been annoyed at the need for political correctedness of everything and just figured those who may be offended are in the minority and should just suck it up. Well, I used to feel that way. Until I experienced an Infertile Mother's Day. Now, I'm pissed that no one on is recognizing those of us who are waiting and longing to be mothers. And, I couldn't bring myself to go to church in case the pastor mentioned mothers, but not those of us who are silently hurting because of our empty arms. I noticed that my aunt (the only one who knows about our fertility struggles) wrote on her wall about the mothers she knows and posted on my sister's wall, but did not write an encouraging note to me. I realize that might be too much to expect from someone who is far removed from infertility (she got pregnant with no problem and both of her daughters have birth control babies). But, I can't help but be hurt by it. And, maybe it's the PMS, but maybe it's just me being sick of infertility being something that isn't talked about or addressed. I am in pain most of the days of my life over this and because it isn't a visible injury, no one acknowledges it and sometimes that's just hard. I don't want to dwell on this aspect of my life, but on a day like today, it's just inevitable. So...whine, whine, Here's to hoping that at our IUI in 12(ish) days, MBL's little guys are in their prime and just KNOCK ME UP!!


  1. Good luck with the upcoming IUI.
    I don't think your being PMS'y or whiney about your Aunt.. it's ok to be upset about it.. people just don't think.

  2. I think people are so naive about infertility that it is RIDICULOUS!!!! It pisses me off to no end. And even when you try to educate them, they are still so self-absorbed that they don't stop to think that maybe, just maybe this day is THE single hardest day of the year for people like us. (SIGH, sorry, getting down off my soapbox now!)

  3. You may have missed my facebook status today. I made sure not to leave you out...and I did have you in mind specifically when I wrote it as well as the others in my life I am praying for. The other day I was talking to Paul about how offended and pissed I was when I saw a sign for an eye doctor that was offering free eye exams to made me think about how every woman who is trying to get pregnant must curse out loud and wave the bird at his office as they drive by. And they should.

  4. Betsy! I did see your status and I appreciated it SO much! I don't have facebook access at work (where I may or may not have written this post)...and when I checked FB, I saw your status. Thanks for always being so thoughtful!

    I should also note that I had another friend be inclusive on her status. She wrote, "and for those who are waiting to be mommas, it's okay to cry, your day will come!"

    I am so thankful I have friends who are aware! And I am glad I got to end my day on a positive note :).

  5. Good luck, sweetie. Rough mother's day for sure. It was my first with this diagnosis as well. I cried a lot and cuddled with friends. It's okay to cry, to feel like shit, and to whine. I highly encourage all 3 activities.