it's a promise.

So, I am on day 27 of my cycle, supposedly 13 DPO. I should get AF on/around Mother's Day. Nice timing, right? Unless, of course, a miracle occurs and I end up with a BFP this weekend. Unlikely, but it could still happen. If it doesn't, MBL and I are planning on doing an IUI/Clomid cycle this month. By the time I am near ovulation it should be nearly 3 months since MBL's surgery and since he started taking Tamo.xifen. I am surprisingly optimistic. I think this IUI may work. If we get a decent number of follies (I had four in February) and it is timed right and MBL's count is up, then maybe this will be the combo we need? Our other IUIs were timed 24 hours after my trigger because I needed the nurse to give me the shot. Now that I am a pro at giving myself shots, we should be able to time our IUI perfectly for 36 hours after the trigger. If this month's IUI doesn't work, we will do another in June. If that doesn't work, we are going to do IVF again in August. Writing that sentence made my heart race. IVF again? Please God, please don't let it get that far. But, if we do have to do it again, then at least we will have the funds to pay for it up front (thanks to my new job).

Anyways, as I said previously, I have been feeling really optimistic lately. I truly believe that by my 25th birtday (in October) I will be pregnant. I just *feel* it. Recently I came across a blog that talked about buying baby things even in the midst of infertility. I posted a comment saying that I have bought things for our future baby(s). When we first started trying I was so certain that we would get pregnant right away-I was 23, afterall, and come from a long line of fertiles-that I would routinely look at baby bedding and strollers and paint swabs and dream of what our baby's room could look like. When I realized that there might be a problem with that dream, I withdrew and stopped looking at those things. I couldn't even walk past those aisles without feeling a pang in my heart. I don't know when it happened, but eventually I realized I could walk past those aisles again and I would even stop and glance at the cute baby things. As a matter of fact, on a few occasions, I have even bought some of those cute baby things. We have a onesie from NY that we bought right before our first IVF, pajamas that were on clearance, a robe and pumpkin costume MBL bought before we met, a onesie from a vineyard up north, socks from the dollar spot, and just yesterday I found a onesie that says something like "proof that miracles do happen." That last one is perfect, right? I plan on giving it to MBL along with the positive pee stick (that I WILL get one day).

The point of me going through these things is that when I think about why I feel okay buying these baby items, I realize it is because it feels like a promise to myself. A promise that some day I will have a child. A promise that one day I will be able to tell our child about how we bought that onesie in NY when he/she was just a dream in our hearts. Or how he/she is truly our dream come true and proof that miracles do still happen. For now, all I can do is cling to that promise.