Thursday, March 25, 2010

infertility is stupid and sucky.

That basically sums up how I feel. I used to feel sad, and, sometimes, I still do. But most of the time I just feel tired. Sick of it. A lot of what I feel now is just that Infertility is stupid. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate that I can hardly work up the joy to be excited about other people's pregnancies. A former coworker of mine just announced her pregnancy via facebook. I didn't know her that well, but I saw her every day for nearly two years. And, now, i'm jealous of her happy announcement. And, top it off, my cousin (who in my potentially unrealistic opinion, has always had everything she wanted) just had her baby and my other cousin (due in august) just posted that she's having a girl. So, my facebook page has been inundated with baby announcements and instead of feeling happy for these people, I just feel like I'm wearing a big I on my chest. I WANT to be happy for these people, there is nothing unhappy about having a baby or being pregnant. However, the cousin who just had her baby was not even trying to get pregnant; she was on the pill! I guess I just feel like after 14 months, I deserve this. My husband and I would make fantastic parents, so why isn't it our turn? I have a strong faith, but I have a hard time believing that God gave us infertility. I tell my mom that to me that's like saying someone was given cancer. I just think that there are some terrible things that happen in life that are unreasonable and unfair and just plain ugly. To me, this infertility journey is one of those things. I hate it. HATE IT. Blah.

Also, I have been terrible at the losing weight, working out, eating better aspect of life. I am back up to where I started and last night I overindulged at my small group potluck. So, perhaps I'm feeling extra crappy because my body also feels extra crappy? I haven't even worked out in a week. Can I just say, blah, again? I need to get out of this funk. I actually scheduled an appointment with a holistic care provider in two weeks. Apparently he will help me make dietary changes that may positively impact my fertility. And while it *seems* like the problem is really with the hubs, I figure, it doesn't hurt for me to make changes as well. Speaking of the hubs, we had our follow-up appointment with the urologist and he said everything looks good and that in 60% of cases, a pregnancy occurs in the 6 months following the surgery. I'm thinking we might go back to IUIs in June, so we'll just have to wait and see (and patience is NOT one of my virtues).

1 comment:

  1. Gosh, I know how hard those FB announcements are! Within the 14 months I have had 3 cousins, my SIL, and two friends get pregnant. I want to be happy, but it's just not that easy to do.

    I wish you the best!!