the grief of IVF failure

If you're here from ICLW, Hi! You can find out all about me and my infertility journey in the tabs at the top of the blog. Basically my husband and I have one daughter from IVF #2. We just had IVF #3 fail and we are now looking for more answers and plan to try again this summer.

The other day, on my way home from work, I had to stop at Tar.get to pick up one of MBL's prescriptions. I was feeling okay at this point, despite the fact that I knew I was not pregnant from our most recent IVF attempt. I decided to pick up a bottle of wine and a package of pads, along with the script and thought about how I should title a blog post about an infertile's shopping basket. Like, ha, it's so funny that I need both of those things (all right, I don't *need* wine, but getting a negative beta after spending $10,000 is bottle of wine worthy).

But, the truth is, it's not funny. Thursday did not turn out to be a good day. I cried on my way home after passing the local elementary school. All those moms waiting in their minivans, I bet a lot of them would find it hard to believe that I envy their life, their situation.

Thursday involved a lot of crying. There were some insensitive things done/said and dealing with them was really painful. And then MBL was acting distant because he himself was in a funk. At one point he got so worried about all the crying I was doing that he suggested I go back on my medication. That upset me even more! There is absolutely no shame in needing or taking depression medication, but I was grieving NOT depressed! Okay, maybe a little depressed, but isn't that how I should feel? If I denied the pain of our unpregnant-ness, then it would be like denying my right to grieve over a painful situation. No one would expect me to slap on a happy face if I had a migraine that medication couldn't fix, so why should I be expected to be all sunshine and rainbows when the "treatment" we chose for the DISEASE of infertility didn't work?

That's the thing, though, people just don't *get* that infertility is a disease. They don't want to address our pain, our sadness of failing to achieve what most of the American population takes for granted. Going out in a public is a testament to just how many people clearly had children without really thinking about what that meant. A few weeks ago, I was at Tar.get and the most adorable little boy was bouncing a ball down the aisle. It kept hitting his foot and rolling away. The mom's response? "If you don't stop doing that I am going to slap you silly." The little boy couldn't have been older than two. Too often it is insinuated that fertility is granted to those who deserve it most and, yet, the situation described above seems to contradict that. Heck, our situation seems to contradict that. I promise that a baby brought into our family would be one of the most smooched, most snuggled, and most treasured babies on the planet. I don't think I could accurately put into words just how loved our next little baby would be. Piper is smothered daily with our love and we just have more to give!

Basically, I want more. My heart literally aches for our next child. I just cannot wait to get my hands on him/her. I cannot wait to snuggle their little body and smooch their sweet face. It WILL happen, it's now just a matter of when. Just looking at this picture of our sweet Pip makes me want to do it all over again (and again and, potentially, again).


(taken over Halloween 2011)

What irks you most about people's misunderstanding of infertility? Has anything every been said to you that just made your blood boil? Have you ever encountered a situation like I did?