The past few days have been hard. A lot harder than I thought they would be. I've found myself crying more times than I can count. My heart is broken over our BFN. I knew we weren't facing the best odds when we got to day five and just had one embryo left, but I was still hopeful that all the poking and prodding would lead to a BFP.
Today was really hard. MBL is out of town for the week and I am left managing the house, Piper, and my 40 hour work week with absolutely no help. To top it off, I'm feeling very lonely. And I think this would be true even if MBL were in town. The reason for my loneliness is simple, I am infertile and it makes people uncomfortable. Ever since we went through our first IVF back in 2009, I have done my best to talk about our infertility, to be honest about our struggle. I want to give people the opportunity to understand infertility better and the only way I can do that is by sharing our story. MBL is very outspoken at work about what we have gone through and, surprisingly, his closest coworkers can all relate. His boss and his counterpart both suffered from late term miscarriage and baby loss. They get it.
I have not been so lucky. I am aware of people at work who have struggled with infertility, but I am not close with any of them. My very closest friend from college got pregnant her first month off of birth control and recounted to me how disappointed she was to have gotten pregnant so easily. When MBL and I went and visited her in March, she and her husband carried on about why they thought insurance should not cover infertility. It was like a knife in the heart. Basically they feel like they deserve their fertility, deserve what they have been given, which implies that we somehow are undeserving of the same. How? Why? Unfortunately, I was basically given the same response from my group leader when I (bravely) shared our struggle with my moms' group. Others have blatantly ignored my pain, pretending that MBL and I don't have a heartbreaking DISEASE.
So, today, I'm lonely. And praying I don't feel like this for too long.
What is the biggest emotion you feel from infertility? Have you been able to find people to support you on this journey?