Monday, April 23, 2012


The past few days have been hard. A lot harder than I thought they would be. I've found myself crying more times than I can count. My heart is broken over our BFN. I knew we weren't facing the best odds when we got to day five and just had one embryo left, but I was still hopeful that all the poking and prodding would lead to a BFP.

Today was really hard. MBL is out of town for the week and I am left managing the house, Piper, and my 40 hour work week with absolutely no help. To top it off, I'm feeling very lonely. And I think this would be true even if MBL were in town. The reason for my loneliness is simple, I am infertile and it makes people uncomfortable. Ever since we went through our first IVF back in 2009, I have done my best to talk about our infertility, to be honest about our struggle. I want to give people the opportunity to understand infertility better and the only way I can do that is by sharing our story. MBL is very outspoken at work about what we have gone through and, surprisingly, his closest coworkers can all relate. His boss and his counterpart both suffered from late term miscarriage and baby loss. They get it.

I have not been so lucky. I am aware of people at work who have struggled with infertility, but I am not close with any of them. My very closest friend from college got pregnant her first month off of birth control and recounted to me how disappointed she was to have gotten pregnant so easily. When MBL and I went and visited her in March, she and her husband carried on about why they thought insurance should not cover infertility. It was like a knife in the heart. Basically they feel like they deserve their fertility, deserve what they have been given, which implies that we somehow are undeserving of the same. How? Why? Unfortunately, I was basically given the same response from my group leader when I (bravely) shared our struggle with my moms' group. Others have blatantly ignored my pain, pretending that MBL and I don't have a heartbreaking DISEASE.

So, today, I'm lonely. And praying I don't feel like this for too long.

What is the biggest emotion you feel from infertility? Have you been able to find people to support you on this journey?


  1. I'm so sorry about your BFN - I totally get the aching to have a child, and I am scared to death to spend the money and get a BFN.

    I'd say the most common emotion I feel is frustration.

  2. Oh boy... this is so hard. :( I'm so sorry about your BFN AND the response from friends. That is SO hard! And I agree with you 100%! IF is a disease NOT an elective treatment!!

  3. I hate to hear about your BFN. My heart aches for you.

    I was wondering if you would post (or reply to me) about how some of your friends or acquaintances who haven't had infertility issues could best help talk/relate support you.

    I have dealt with miscarriage, but have since had one child without treatment and we are awaiting our 2nd. I know the pain of loss and the sadness. And I want to be a full support system to my friends who are struggling with infertility, but I find myself not quite knowing the best way to support them. The right questions to ask. And I might censor too much or pull back too much from them because I am sensitive about what they might be feeling about me expecting #2.

    I want to be a better friend. Can you help?

  4. This just sucks all around. I'm sorry you feel so lonely :(. I know you work 40 hours this week, but if you have s free morning please come over for coffee. It's been awhile and you clearly need another person to just vent to.

    I think you and others who struggle with infertility need to write a book about how to support those with infertility.

    Lastly, people annoy me who think insurance shouldnt cover infertility. They would cover cancer, which is a disease. Ignorance.

    Sorry, friend :(

  5. I am so sorry. The lonliness and isolation, even when surrounded by people, it's so hard. I'm also VERY open about my IF and loss, and for the same reasons... also I REFUSE to be shunned into silence. It's hard to be "strong" enough to share this kind of info and pain with people who just will never understand... but it's important, and I'm so grateful that you're doing it anyway. *hugs* I don't get a lot of people down playing the disease part of it... I guess either because I focus my discussion on the disease portion of it, what my specifics are (I even point out my pcos man hair, ha!) so I never give them the chance of IF isn't a disease, because I say THIS is my disease which causes IF. Either that or because I'm way too bitchy and Irish, and nobody wants a fight. LOL.

  6. Here from ICLW (#7). Thank you for kind words on my blog. I appreciate what you shared on my "Gatekeeping" post when I was feeling lonely and how ironic that I would visit your blog today to also find you writing about loneliness. So I send positive and healing thoughts and prayers your way today. (((HUGS)))

    As for your questions:

    1) That a hard one... so many emotions to choose from here! Right now I am struggling with acceptance. My husband and I are on "the other side" of our infertility journey and preparing to put an end to our family building efforts, which feels so ironic after all we've been through to get where we are. I have such mixed feelings about moving on and not trying to expand our family anymore, but also realize all the reasons why it makes sense to us. So I am working to "get over the dream" of the family (a big one) that I imagined we would/could have and doing my best to be grateful for the children in our life and the one I believe is watching over us.

    2) Thankfully yes, I have! Both through blogging and in real life, but it took me time and being pretty open about my experience and struggles to find and connect with them. I hope that you are able to connect with others who will help your journey through IF be more bearable. Hang in there!

  7. It is unbelievable how the stakes are piled in the fertility department, right?

    The BFN, handling a kid alone and hubby away with lot of work - perfect cocktail for depression. I hope you will recover some of your lost composure.

    I was a see-saw of hope and frustration when battling it. My strongest support, emotionally atleast was from my online peeps.


  8. Christine you poor thing, I am so sorry about your BFN. And what an unbelievably awful way to be treated by your college friend: talk about insensitive!! I think it's outrageous the lengths you guys in the states have to go financially and to not be covered when it is a disease, psychologically they have proved that IF is as emotionally damaging, in terms of levels of depression, as a terminal diganosis. All the stigma that surrounds infertility and ignorant people like you mention all make our burden so much harder.
    Am sorry you're feeling lonely this week, try and treat yourself to something :)
    PS thanks for visiting my blog! I love my 'baby mad' aptly named thermo!