better each day

This week has been nothing short of crazy. MBL is out of town, actually out of the country, and it has left me in charge of absolutely everything. And, to top it off, I am fully in the swing of working 40 hours/week. Monday my hormones were still all out of whack from our IVF cycle and I ended up feeling like maybe I should go back on Zol.oft afterall. Tuesday was tough as well. I cried after I dropped Piper off at daycare and I wasn't sure I could make it through the day, let alone the entire week. As the day went on, however, I found myself feeling better moment by moment. The chat I had with MBL after work helped immensely. Basically, I feel at peace. I was praying for this and I was so certain I would never feel good again, but now that my hormones are leveling out, I'm feeling loads better. I feel like myself, only stronger. When MBL and I talked earlier this week, I told him that after all we've gone through to have our babies, I know we could face anything. And, it's true. As much as infertility sucks the big one, it has changed our marriage for the better. When WHEN we get pregnant again, I will seriously consider VBACing. I never thought I'd say that. NEVER. But, I would. And I would probably try to do a completely med-free birth. How does this relate to IF? Well, because of what we've gone through, I know that MBL would be a GREAT support for me if I chose that route. I KNOW that I could make it through because he would be there to help me. Just like he's been there through all the IF failures and setbacks. Just like he was there for me during the 8 hours of med free, Pito.cin induced labor I was in with Piper prior to my c-section.

And that makes me proud. We have allowed IF to make us stronger. To make our marriage better. Sure there are days when I feel lower than low and even his support and love can't pull me out, but, overall, we are better people because of what we have gone through. We are better parents because of it, for sure. Our little Piper is one of the most loved and most smooched 11 month olds in the world. And our love for her is definitely what fuels us on our journey towards #2. So where are we with that? Well, I need to send in our forms to the reproductive immunologist so that we can try and get in for an appointment. I also have a call out to CC.RM. I was debating back and forth whether or not it was really worth it to schedule a consult, but I really feel like we need to consider all of our options. Our follow up consult with our current RE is scheduled for next Tuesday. The canister for MBL's sper.m DNA test should arrive tomorrow and our goal is to get the "sample" out by Monday. We would then have the results by the following week. If those results are what we think they will be (bad), then we will need to seriously consider how to work around bad spe.rm DNA. I'm guessing we will have to look at doing a cycle at CC.RM with CCS. FIRST, we will talk with our current doc and get his feel for things. If he is confident he can get us pregnant, I will consider cycling there again. At the same time, every day my mind reels with all the potential "solutions" for our problem of not being able to get pregnant on our own (or even through IVF!). I'm looking forward to the "answers" that the next two weeks will bring us. And, in the meantime, MBL and I will be trying on our own for the first time since June 2010. And, I'm not going lie, a small part of me is hoping for the biggest of all surprises, a natural BFP. A girl can dream, right?? How has IF impacted your relationships? Has it had any positive outcomes on your marriage? What kind of answers are you looking for these days?