Wednesday, February 22, 2012

too many emotions

Hi to those here from ICLW! If you want to read my intro post from last month you can click here. You can also visit the handy dandy tabs at the top of my blog to learn more about me and my journey. The basics though are that I am 26 and DH (MBL) is newly 35. We have an absolutely perfect 9 month old daughter (seriously, we are SO in love). She is the "product" of IVF #2 after 21 months TTC, 5 IUIs, and 2 IVFs. Our original diagnosis was MFI, but that seems to no longer be the case (!). Everything on my end seems to be okay (normal ute, open tubes, normal cycles), but my AMH is on the low end of normal (1.0). I do not have DOR yet, but it is likely that I will go through menopause early (like between 40-44). I weaned my daughter in November to get my cycle to return and am now on my third post partum cycle. We did IUI with clomid and injectables. The cycle was picture perfect and I am hopeful that we were successful in conceiving #2. We'll know for sure in a few days. So, that's basically our story (in short form). I'm glad to have you here!

So, today is 9dpo and I am feeling so anxious to know the outcome of this cycle! I have googled IUI stats to death and actually found them quite assuring. Almost too much, actually. I'm feeling so hopeful. IF this cycle actually worked, everything would turn out so well. It would be like when I got pregnant with Piper, it was so perfectly timed that I was able to finish my Master's, give birth, and then have the summer "off". IF this worked, I would turn 27 and a few days later give birth and then I would have November, December, and January off. PLUS, I would be due only a month after my good college friend, which would be SO cool.

The way that I am talking and thinking makes me feel completely ridiculous because, on the flip side, I know that while the stats on success rates for our cycle vary from 20-60%, that is no where near 100%. And once I get a positive, it doesn't mean that I will get a baby at the end of it all. The reality is that once you go through infertility, you can't just go into TTC with rose colored glasses. Even IF I were to get a baby from this, I still won't approach TTC #3 (or #4) as if it will be a piece of cake. I don't think I'll feel "safe" from infertility until I have all my kiddos at home with me, and even then I'm sure the ache of infertility won't ever go away (i'll probably still be jealous of other people's easy pregnancies/conceptions/pregnancy announcements). This whole TTC another baby thing is really more taxing mentally than I was prepared for. I thought that I would be able to approach it in a more relaxed state, but the truth is that if we want our 3-4 kids we have to get pregnant again as quickly as possible. It looks as though my fertility will start to decline in my early 30's, which means we need to be DONE by then. Which means that IF this IUI didn't work, we will be going forward with IVF in the spring. Which means spending more $$$$ to do something that so many people get to do for free. And that money will be on top of the $1,000 plus we've already spent TTC #2.

I'm just feeling all kinds of anxious and just want it to be next Monday so that I would have a definite answer as to where we are headed...

How do you handle the stress of TTC? What are some of your coping mechanisms when you are cycling and in the two week wait?


  1. I will think good thoughts for you...
    Happy ICLW

  2. Fingers, toes, and everything else crossed for you! Sending positive, sticky thoughts :) Thanks for the visit to my blog and happy ICLW! (ICLW#6)