Last night I had a breakdown of sorts. I think it was a long time coming, but the tears finally made their way to the surface. And crying about all the pain I've been feeling felt really good. I'm just so heartbroken about so many things, all of them related to the ALI community, that I just really needed to let it all out. And, thankfully, MBL was here to put his arm around me and just hold me while I cried about our situation and the situations of other bloggers out there.
I would say that I've been on edge since the start of this cycle. There is just so much riding on this. If this doesn't work out we are headed towards IVF again and I just am so pissed about paying for something that so many people get for free. And I am just so pissed about all the awful, terrible people out there who are able to conceive without problem only to abuse or, worse, kill their children. I carry around this feeling of injustice most days, but it really came to the surface when MBL and I were innocently watching an episode of Law & Order. The child abuse that was suggested in the episode absolutely made me sick and then, at the end, they said that the episode was actually based on real events! I just don't get it.
Then I read stories about women who try and try to get pregnant and are unable or get pregnant (finally!) and then suffer loss. The unfairness. The injustice. It just makes me want to SCREAM!!!
And then I look at my own situation and I feel like what we are dealing with is small potatoes in comparison. And, yet, it's still hard. There is no good reason why this last cycle shouldn't have worked (great lining, 3-4 follies, 14 million motile sperm), but I tested BFN this morning. Which made me want to gorge on this:
But doing that won't make me feel any better about myself and it won't make me any more likely to get two lines next month. There's still a chance that I will get my second line tomorrow (i'm 11 dpo today), so I haven't given up all hope, but I am trying to figure out the timing of our next steps. Basically, if we go ahead with starting IVF next month we would be able to have a baby in December 2012 (if it worked) and I really like that. If we wait to do it until April/May, my DD (again, if it worked) would be the end of January, which I do not like. It snows SOOOO much here in January and February and I just don't think I could handle the anxiety of trying to get around in that weather (with a big ole precious preggo belly). BUT, I kind of want to push off doing IVF again because I'm SOOOO scared of it not working. I have so many more thoughts on this, so I will come back tomorrow with a post just on the IVF timing debate.
Do you ever feel like a good cry is exactly what you need? When was the last time you cried and over what?