Friday, February 24, 2012

a breakdown.

Last night I had a breakdown of sorts. I think it was a long time coming, but the tears finally made their way to the surface. And crying about all the pain I've been feeling felt really good. I'm just so heartbroken about so many things, all of them related to the ALI community, that I just really needed to let it all out. And, thankfully, MBL was here to put his arm around me and just hold me while I cried about our situation and the situations of other bloggers out there.

I would say that I've been on edge since the start of this cycle. There is just so much riding on this. If this doesn't work out we are headed towards IVF again and I just am so pissed about paying for something that so many people get for free. And I am just so pissed about all the awful, terrible people out there who are able to conceive without problem only to abuse or, worse, kill their children. I carry around this feeling of injustice most days, but it really came to the surface when MBL and I were innocently watching an episode of Law & Order. The child abuse that was suggested in the episode absolutely made me sick and then, at the end, they said that the episode was actually based on real events! I just don't get it.

Then I read stories about women who try and try to get pregnant and are unable or get pregnant (finally!) and then suffer loss. The unfairness. The injustice. It just makes me want to SCREAM!!!

And then I look at my own situation and I feel like what we are dealing with is small potatoes in comparison. And, yet, it's still hard. There is no good reason why this last cycle shouldn't have worked (great lining, 3-4 follies, 14 million motile sperm), but I tested BFN this morning. Which made me want to gorge on this:


But doing that won't make me feel any better about myself and it won't make me any more likely to get two lines next month. There's still a chance that I will get my second line tomorrow (i'm 11 dpo today), so I haven't given up all hope, but I am trying to figure out the timing of our next steps. Basically, if we go ahead with starting IVF next month we would be able to have a baby in December 2012 (if it worked) and I really like that. If we wait to do it until April/May, my DD (again, if it worked) would be the end of January, which I do not like. It snows SOOOO much here in January and February and I just don't think I could handle the anxiety of trying to get around in that weather (with a big ole precious preggo belly). BUT, I kind of want to push off doing IVF again because I'm SOOOO scared of it not working. I have so many more thoughts on this, so I will come back tomorrow with a post just on the IVF timing debate.

Do you ever feel like a good cry is exactly what you need? When was the last time you cried and over what?


  1. Oh yes, there have been MANY times when a sobbing, snot fest made me feel better. With this last round of Clomid I've cried every day, at least once. Sometimes I cry two or three times a day. And it's usually because I'm overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all. I don't understand how people who don't even "want" kids, are unable to provide for them, or who mistreat and abuse them, are popping them out like crazy. Yet, my husband and I, who have a decent house, a stable relationship, and jobs, can't. My mind just can't comprehend it.

  2. I'm cheering you on! Maybe the BFP is waiting in the wings... keep us posted. I've been following you for awhile (since before Piper), and we are at the same time in our journeys... I am officially TTC #2 as of today :) I'll be waiting to hear good news from you!

  3. I hope that you see your BFP this cycle so you do not have to worry about future cycles. I am trying to remember the last time I had a good cry..... I say go ahead and cry all that you need if it will help you. I will be following along your journey and hope that we hear good news this weekend.

  4. Here from ICLW

    Lady, I've been a ball of tears all week due to meds, the news and even stress from day-to-day life. Sometimes, you just need to let it out. And that's okay. Because there can be happy endings (your daughter is an example of that) and it's that promise that helps me pick myself up and continue down this road. Wishing you all the best and you continue with TTC #2.

  5. Yeah, there are definitely times of many many tears and sobs. Last IF-related tearfest was due to being jerked around by the PGD lab related to whether or not they took insurance. That had been the day the insurance came through on the appeal, so I went from jumping and tearing up from joy to sobbing on the floor in the space of a few hours. :-p

    Thanks for stopping by my blog! ICLW #6

  6. I understand how you feel. It is so unfair to have to work so hard for something that other people don't value.

  7. I know just how you feel. My last good cry was Tuesday, when I found out there was a screw up with labs and the very very important info. I needed for my follow up appt wouldn't be ready...and I won't get it for another three weeks. I sobbed like a baby. Its just not fair sometimes.
    ICLW #1

  8. A good cry is vital to staying sane. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, and I know exactly what you mean. How is it possible that so many children are born into awful situations, and so many loving homes are left without children? It kills me. My last really good cry, was over the top. It was just over a month ago, the year anniversary of my dad's death from cancer. When he died I was *miraculously* pregnant, and already on bed rest, and the doc told me that if I cried too hard that I'd be more likely to miscarry...again. So I stuffed everything down deep. A year later, it all came out, and it was UGLY!!! But it was very much needed. Tears are good for you, and so are nachos. :) I hope you get your BFP soon!!!