Struggling

I. am. struggling.  This secondary IF thing is way harder than I
thought it would be.  When I was pregnant with Piper, I thought about
having more kids, but mostly I just took my pregnancy day by day.
Enjoying each and every little thing about it.  After she was born, it
was bliss...  Until the exhaustion kicked in.  And exhaustion doesn't
even begin to describe how tired I was.  Everyone said to nap while
the baby napped, but because we kept her around noise during the day
(to straighten out her days and nights), it was too loud for me to
sleep.  During weeks 1-4 of Piper's life I told my own mother near
daily that I was one and done.  And, to be honest, I kind of meant it.
 My baby slept 8 hours in a row and I was still exhausted!  Turns out
that having a csection and taking care of a newborn is just not that
easy on your body.

I didn't really think too much about TTC during Piper's first four to
five months.  She was our preciously perfect little girl and I was
completely content.  Plus, I knew that I wanted to pump for her until
she was six months old and since doing so kept AF at bay, we couldn't
TTC.  When I start weaning her at 6 months, I wanted more kids but
that burning desire to be pregnant wasn't really there.  Then came
Christmastime, and something about being around my newest nephew sent
me into severe pregnancy/baby lust.  And when we had our appointment
with our RE and they said my fertility won't be around forever, the
burning desire that had been absent for so long, came rushing back,
stronger than ever.

Now, I need to be honest, when I was TTC prior to Piper, I often
skipped over blogs or boards talking about secondary IF.  I just
didn't want to read about people who had kids wanting more kids.  And,
now, I totally get it.  I have this wonderful little girl and I love
being her mom more than I could possibly express.  And, I want more.
I want to do this again.  I want Piper to have siblings with whom to
share this life.  And this ache for more babies and for a swelling
belly again has reopened all of my IF emotions.  I want a belly of my
own so badly.  I want positive pregnancy tests and ultrasounds and
doctor's appointments.  My friends' joy over their own pregnancies and
coming babies has started to hurt again.  I want to join them.  SO.
BADLY.

Speaking of wanting to join them, we had our IUI on Monday and it was
textbook.  On saturday the doc counted three mature follicles and one
or two lagging just slightly behind.  My e2 was 817, so I'm thinking
it was probably four mature.  I triggered late on saturday and went in
for my IUI yesterday at 11:00.  Between the frozen and fresh
specimens, we had 14 million motile spe.rm!!!  That's more than double
our previous highest count for IUI.  And it's our highest egg count
for IUI to date, as well.  So, we're excited.  And hopeful.  And
nervous as all get out.  I want this to work.  I want to have a fall
baby.  I want to be able to avoid having to do IVF again.  MBL and I
would love to use that $12,000 for other things, like paying off my
school loans!  I feel so selfish for wanting something so simple as
IUI to work for us on only our third month officially TTC (for #2),
but I want it so badly.  So, I'm praying that when I start peeing on
sticks in approximately 10 days, they come up with two beautifully
pink lines!!

How did y'all spend V-day? MBL and I picked up Thai food and watched Bu.rn Noti.ce. It was perfect!