well at least that got their attention

For a little background, we are insured through MBL's employer. Their insurance has been fine-ish. Nothing amazing, but nothing too bad either... Until the new fiscal year started. And I am pissed (but, what else is new?). You see last year after our failed IVF, MBL and I sat down and wrote a letter to his company asking them to add infertility coverage to their insurance. We live in a non-mandated state so they cover nothing beyond diagnostics. Well, the message got all the way up to one of the head honchos of the company who gave us a politically correct response of, "Blah Blah... We will have to see how the market is trending at the start of the new fiscal year, but we will take this into consideration." Obviously all she considered was the size of her income because not only did they fail to offer any sort of IF coverage, but they jacked up our prices and added a deductible. And by jacked up, I mean DOUBLED the cost to go to both a PCP (now $40/visit) and did the same for specialists (now $50/visit). When I verified that we do indeed now have a deductible of $500 per person and a $2000 family maximum, I texted MBL and let him know how upset I was over this and how much I think his company is screwing us. Well, he happened to be in a meeting with the head honcho of his department and his boss and yet he decided to read the text out loud to them. Verbatim. They probably think I'm some sort of crazy person, but I don't care. MBL then proceeded to say, "Did you know this well known competitor of ours offers IF coverage?" To which the other two men responded, "Does your wife work there?" And then MBL retorted, "Neither of us work there... YET." This got their attention. And they were all like, "You can't leave us!!" You see, I'm not trying to brag (okay, maybe a little bit), but my husband happens to be VERY good at his job. Like VERY good. He has worked with his company for ten years and has undoubtedly saved them millions of dollars (no exaggeration) by automating processes and, well, just being a darn good employee. When MBL and his boss discussed a raise, MBL mentioned what we were going through and that the company does not pay for any of it and his boss promised to take that under consideration. Now that his boss and his boss' boss know about what a financial strain their crappy health insurance is having on us, I hope they reward MBL with a nice raise in October. Otherwise, we may just have to consider moving to where we can get better coverage... Maybe. But, hey, at least he got their attention on the matter!! And, I have to say, I am way impressed (again) with MBL's openness in regards to our IF.

what a relief!

No, I did not get my period. Stupid AF is like clockwork for over half of my life and now she decides to give me the longest cycle of my life. Awesome. I'm over it, though, because I got a chance to speak with our clinic about everything. Yesterday I went in for an ultrasound and bloodwork. Because I am cycling in Chicago, but monitoring where we live, I have to go to a new doctor for all of my blood tests and ultrasounds. I was prepared for some negative comments from him since we chose going out of state over his clinic, but he was far more unpleasant than I could have predicted. He kept saying that shared risk programs are just a way for the doctor to get rich and he is far more "maternal" in his practice. Well, he has a 24% live birth rate per transfer and his cycles cost $8,000. My clinic has a 58% live birth rate per transfer and their shared risk program is $16,000. If I went to him (which I did not do for my first IVF), it would likely take me more than one cycle to get pregnant considering his abysmal odds, which would then cost the $16,000 we are spending at a clinic that will likely get us pregnant (and if they don't get us pregnant, they will give us an 80% refund). Basically I just smiled and nodded at his comments. He also told me that I shouldn't let my clinic put me on lupron until 5-12 days after AF has started "because it's been shown that doing that gets the best results." Obviously given his success rate, it is clear that he is likely not up on the "latest" in the infertility world. They also told me that they would not do a height/weight/BP check because "we just don't do that for monitoring." Okay, fine. I told MBL that I didn't want to be weighed anyways. The whole appointment took 45 minutes...for just a blood draw and ultrasound!! Ridonk. Oh, and when I went to check out I found out MBL's insurance changed so that we now have a deductible to meet. I was preparing for a $25 copay instead I got a $192 bill!! GRAH.

Okay, on to the good part of this story. My clinic called me later that afternoon to let me know that I am indeed still in my luteal phase. I ovulated from my left side, my lining is nice and thick, and my progesterone is 5. She said there is no way to tell if my progesterone is going up or coming down. My guess? It's coming down. If that's the case, I will get my period by Monday. If not, I shouldn't expect it for another 6-9 days. Apparently I got a false positive LH surge and must have ovulated a lot later. Let's hope it was earlier last week due to some unprotected "relations" in the latter part of last week. The best part of the conversation was that everything stays the same! I just stay on lup.ron until AF arrives, then I will go in for my real baseline ultrasound and blood test and a day later I will start the stims. As long as AF gets here by August 24th, I still have a chance at having a due date in May. It may seem silly that I am stuck on a certain month for a DD after 20 months of TTC, but this year there were two painful to hear about pregnancies due in June, so I just kind of have a bad taste in my mouth. (and, yes, I realize that even a DD in May does not guarantee I will actually give birth in that month). I have felt so much better since that conversation. The nurse was SOOO nice and as long as she didn't say the word "cancelled", I'm happy. And, truthfully, I'm thinking it must have been the chemical pregnancy at the beginning of July that messed up this cycle...because even my longest cycle ended before now. Oh well! Murphy's Law it is!

My out of the closet husband and a tantrum.

I am wholly impressed with MBL. He is apparently totally out of the infertility closet at work. He has told more than one person what we are going through and has even had the chance to hear other people's stories. MBL has not told these people the exact reason of our infertility; that we are suffering from male factor. I think in some ways it is hard on him that it's him. He and I don't really talk about why we are infertile, it is somewhat irrelevant to me. We are married and he is who I want to have babies with, so whether or not it's him or me we have a problem with which we have to deal. Anyways, as I said, MBL has had the opportunity to hear other people's stories of infertility because he is so open and honest about our struggle. We found out one of his good work buddies used IVF for all four of his kiddos (and four is the number we are going for, too!). Earlier this week he found out one of his coworkers went through recurrent pregnancy/infant loss...after having two kids, they had a miscarriage at 20 weeks, and then lost two babies after they were born. I cannot believe that someone MBL has worked with for 10 years has gone down such a tough road himself. It is so amazing to me that our story is allowing others to share theirs. I am touched that my husband is able to connect with the men in his office in such a personal way. Maybe that's cheesy, but I'm really impressed with my husband's honesty and his coworkers willingness to listen and share their own journeys.

The second part of this post is about my complete lack of maturity or self control. I am on cycle day 34. I am 3 days late. No, I am not pregnant. I am a raging lunatic. Lup.ron will do that to you. Especially when you've been on it for 15 days with no hint of AF's much anticipated arrival. I nearly lost it last night in rush hour "traffic" (I use that term loosely as I live in an area where "traffic" does not appropriately describe the slight increase in transportation volume between 5:00 and 6:00). Anyways, this morning I completely lost it. I had the most fantastic tantrum my husband has seen in 28 years. And it all occurred at 6am. I got up for my morning hoping that I would discover that AF had arrived overnight. Nope. Then my hair wouldn't do what I wanted it to do. So, I threw my bobby pins across the bathroom, stomped my foot, and yelled out a few profanities. My husband was not impressed and, looking back, neither am I. But the amount of anger I feel over my delayed AF and the build up of lup.ron in my system has taken the sane girl out of me and replaced it with someone who is bat s*** crazy. I called the clinic this afternoon and insisted on having my blood test and ultrasound done tomorrow, they insisted on having blood drawn for an HCG test as well. So, I guess I will know more of what may or may not happen this cycle after that appointment. Please, o, please AF... PLEASE arrive tonight or tomorrow morning!!

faked out. again.

My body totally faked me out this morning. The following may be a little TMI...just so you're warned :). Anyways, I woke up and I just felt "wet" down there, I nearly lept out of bed! I thought, "YAY AF is here!!". I skipped gleefully into the bathroom only to discover that, no, she was not here. Ridiculous. To say I'm upset would be the understatement of the year. I have to call the clinic and tell them that she has not arrived yet. I took a pregnancy test just to be sure. I am so afraid of what they might say. I have a feeling that she'll probably be here later today or early tomorrow, but because I can't foresee the future, I have no guarantee of that. Ugh. I am so upset I could cry. Today is day 32. What the heck??

Now on to something more than me feeling sorry for myself. A few people asked if I did acupuncture. My last cycle I went to three sessions, and quite honestly, I did not find it relaxing in the slightest. I thought it was uncomfortable that I couldn't move without the needles aching and it was always cold in the room. So, I decided that if I was going to spend $65/session, I would rather get a massage! If the sole point is for increased blood flow and relaxation, then a massage should fit the bill just fine and I won't have to spend money on something that doesn't seem to work for me. I believe in TCM and think that acupuncture is a fantastic thing for IVF patients, it's just not for me.

Oh, and our counseling appointment went well. MBL has agreed to start getting rid of things and getting work done around the house when I am scheduled on the weekends. Plus, my dad is coming down around Labor Day to help out with some of the projects which should help a ton! MBL and I were able to both enjoy our weekend and get some little things done around the house, which was great, so I think we're moving in the right direction! YAY!

Now if only that darn hag would rear her ugly head, then I'd be just about happy... Please feel free to send all AF vibes my way.

want AF. NOW.

Ladies, I am on day 11 of 10 units of lup.ron. I am 15dpo and on day 30 of my cycle. The only time I have ever had a luteal phase longer that 16 days is when I've been on clo.mid. AF still has not shown. Technically speaking, she still has until Monday to show up and be on time (cycle day wise), but because my luteal phase usually isn't this long I'm beginning to panic. Our last IVF cycle they did something really weird and had me start lu.pron on cycle day 3 taking 20 units daily. It took me 25 days at that dose before I got AF. Granted, she was still on time, coming on cycle day 28. Our current RE thinks they did a poor job of my protocol and was not worried at all about putting me on lupron again. I, on the other hand, am terrified. Especially because she is now taking her sweet time getting here. MBL and I have (non)babydanced (more than once) in hopes that would entice her arrival, but, no. I'm really hoping she gets here by Monday so that I don't have to call the clinic and tell them that I am a failure at taking lu.pron. I just don't want this cycle delayed/rescheduled. GAH!!! Has anyone else ever had this happen?? Does lu.pron normally delay AF? Help a crazy girl out! (please).

an awkward moment and a little bit of panic

So, I just started a new job in March. It was a serious answer to prayer as I had been nannying for 9 months and barely making any money despite the fact that I was working my tail off. Plus, this position is in my field and will get me "in" at a large mental health organization is the area (and as I will be done with my Master's come May, this is a great opportunity). Anyways, being new to the organization and having a male for a supervisor I wasn't sure how to handle the whole egg retrieval/transfer need last minute time off thing. Especially since it's pretty obvious that my male supervisor is a fertile (first kid at 22, second at 24...). Anyways, so I emailed him a few weeks ago and let him know that I would need to have some time off in August for a "medical procedure." I told him I wouldn't know when exactly I would need the time off until the beginning/middle of August. He and I hadn't really worked together since I had sent that email, so on Monday when we were in the office together he says something about letting him know when I will need the time off as soon as I know. Not wanting him to think I'm going to be gone too long and to make sure that I get the last minute time off I mention that the reason I won't know too far in advance is because it's a "female procedure". He immediately makes a face and asks me to share nothing else and then informs me that he "read between the lines" and figured that was the case. He explains that he is easily grossed out. I'm kind of glad I made him feel awkward. That means that he is less likely to give me a hard time about needing the time off and will likely leave me alone (i.e. not ask me any questions).

p.s. AF still has not arrived. My lower BBT suggests that she will be here soon, but I'm really anxious for her arrival. Hopefully she gets here later today or tomorrow!

On another note, I'm in a bit of panic about things around our house. You see MBL bought the house 6 years ago when he was sad and single. He immediately tore it apart and has yet to put it all back together. We have finished the living room (almost) and were going to paint our bedroom when MBL discovered a water leak. So, he had to tear down the drywall and put it back together. Our basement is still completely unfinished, despite the fact that when MBL bought the house it was finished. Our two "extra" rooms are a complete disaster. One of them has a bunch of junk in it and the other has miscellaneous furniture and my clothing in it. As we are nearing the egg retrieval/transfer portion of this IVF cycle and the possibility of me actually getting pregnant, I am beginning to panic. There is so much to be done and I cannot help with a lot of it. Much of the work requires MBL finishing some of the basic work and then we can do the cosmetic stuff (painting, decorating, reorganizing). We have a counseling appointment tonight, so I plan on bringing this up. The truth is, MBL needs to get a fire lit underneath him so that he actually gets some of this done. I am afraid that if/when I am pregnant, I will be so hormonal and the urge to nest will be so strong that MBL and I will fight more than I would like to (not to mention that I will be working and doing my internship). So, here's to hoping that our appointment tonight is productive and we are able to get on the same page on getting things done!

lup.ron has kicked my butt

I am not a fan of lup.ron. I wasn't our last cycle and I'm not again. It's side effects are wholly unpleasant. I get to go through menopause and PMS at the same time! I'm having hot flashes, mood swings, and yesterday I had a killer migraine. Oddly enough I have felt none of those things today. But just ask MBL and he will tell you that he much prefers me unmedicated. I'm more enjoyable to be around when I'm not flying into a fit of rage over the slightest thing. I don't know if I hate the mood swings or the migraines more. The hot flashes I can handle because I'm usually cold, so they don't bother me too much. Although I will say it is odd to be 24 and having hot flashes.

I've nearly forgotten my shot the last two days. I was going to go to the grocery store after work today for a leisurely shopping experience until I realized I needed to be back home between 6:00 and 6:15 to administer my shot. I nearly forgot to give it at the right time yesterday as well. The funny thing? Tonight will be the first time I will be giving myself the shot at home, despite the fact that it will be my seventh of this cycle. Last week I "did" lup.ron on a boat, at the beach, in a cottage, and at work (twice). It may get more tricky as we head into the stimming part of the cycle, but I will figure that out when the time comes! Oh, I just realized that MBL and I have our counseling appointment right at 6:00 on Thursday, I guess I can add the bathroom at the Wom.en's Heal.th Center to that list of odd places I've shot up!!

On a total side note, I always think it's odd when I am actually looking forward to getting AF. Like right now, I am eagerly awaiting her arrival because it means we will be one step closer to another egg retrieval and transfer!! The IVF world sure is a weird one.