Sunday, May 8, 2011

you just can't make me happy...

Today is a weird day for me. I just don't know what to do with myself or my emotions. Last year was TOUGH. For a recap about how the day went, you can go here. A brief summary of last year on this day? I got my period. I had to work a ten hour shift. And I felt forgotten (although I did have one amazing friend acknowledge all of the waiting for our BFPs mamas). I'm sure I cried. What I remember so vividly is that this day HURT. Like deep down in my bones emotional pain HURT. I grieved what I was lacking, what I wanted so badly.

Today? I am the epitome of a mom to be...just about bursting at the seams! I have received text messages from all but one of my sisters, a card from my mom, a text from my cousin, and acknowledgement of the fact that I can now "celebrate" Mother's Day. While I am grateful for the beautiful, thoughtful texts I have received, I really just feel weird about the whole day. I'm beyond grateful to have this baby in my belly and it's such a gift to not be spending the day crying over my period, but I can't help think of just how crappy I felt last year. How much this day stung. Infertility is an awkward disease, one that lots of people don't know how to handle/address. I imagine that most of my family didn't know what to say to me last year...I don't even know what the best thing would have been for them to say.

I was thinking of how we could rework the name of this day and it's all very PC. It could be "Happy Women's Day" or "Happy Women's Health Day." But even those don't seem to work. It's not that I think it's wrong to celebrate mothers. My own is an amazing woman for whom I am immensely grateful. She is one of my most favorite people on this planet and I love spending time with her. I would love it if my older sister and I lived on either side of my parents because we would have a blast (youngest sister, I'm assuming you would still live with Mom and Dad ;). I am lucky enough to have really amazing female relatives. My youngest sister once described my older sister as "fierce" and I really think that describes us well. I blame my mom for that, she didn't want us to be doormats or dumb blondes. I have been blessed with an incredible Mom and I love celebrating her.

My point in all of this? Is that it seems you just can't make me happy on this day. I was devastated last year and this year I'm just passe towards the whole day. I just wish there was a way to acknowledge Moms, Moms-to-be, Women who want to be moms, and Women who are either too young to be moms or aren't sure they want to be moms. So, maybe I should make this day, "Happy You're an Amazing Woman Day"?! That could work.

I just want all those still waiting for their BFPs to know that I am thinking of you and I remember how hard this day was. I just hope you know that I think y'all are amazing and strong and incredible women and deserve acknowledgement on this day!


  1. I felt the SAME way this year. I felt uncomfortable but not depressed like last year. Like I am "out of the woods" so to speak, but just don't feel ecstatic about this day. It has so much pain associated with it.

  2. I hear ya... thinking about last year was weird for me too. It was the day we told our families we were pregnant the first time - only we miscarried a few weeks later. I'm sure that miscarriage date will bring odd feelings too.

    But you ARE a mother and I'm so excited for you. :-) Any day now you will meet your precious angel.