something on everything...

I'm feeling a bit all over the place these days. I can't seem to keep my mind focused on anything, and so this post is going to reflect that :). To make it more interesting, I've included lots of pictures.

I mentioned in my last post that MBL and I are going to cloth diaper. We are very lucky to have a local store that stocks new and used products and has lots of tips on how to best use cloth diapers. We stopped there again yesterday to look at their stock of resale cloth diaper covers. We were only able to find one, but here is a picture of the one we bought the last time we were there. It is so cute and I am SOOOO excited to use it!


One thing MBL and I are kind of nervous about with having a baby is our dog. No, we're not worried that our dog won't do well with the baby, we are nervous about the attention we won't be able to give him. He is, after all, our first baby. We got him when I first started to think we might have a problem conceiving. Taking him on walks and seeing how that simple act made him so happy, helped me make it through the months of BFNs. This pregnancy has already meant that he hasn't had as many walks as he deserves (I've had terrible round ligament pain) and that breaks my heart. Poor little guy! I'm hoping that once the baby is here, MBL and I will be able to go for lots of walks! I mean look at this little guy, he's just too cute:

I just hope we are able to give him ample attention, both because he deserves it and because I've heard that dogs sometimes get naughty when a new baby comes along and steals all the attention and I don't want to be mad at the dog all the time!

With just one day left until the baby gets here, I am happy with our preparations for her arrival. Our house is still under contruction (unfinished basement and lots of little projects), but I am happy to say that the baby's room is complete! We were VERY lucky to have my dad here a few weeks ago to help with the finishing touches, like putting in a new window and drywall because we discovered mold and a leak! With all that construction, it meant that I had to wait to put her room together and it felt like it took forever! Thankfully, it's all done and everything is in it's place. In case you're curious, we painted the walls brown and have white trim. There are accents of avocado green in several places to give it a pop of color. It all ties in to the bedding set we chose (gender neutral, because we're hoping we get to use it again):


Finally, I am due tomorrow and I am kind of surprised with how I feel. I have woken up the last four mornings crabby about everything! It feels like I have PMS to the 100th degree. I am so ready to meet this little girl! I want to be the calm, collected, go with the flow 40 week preggo lady, but I am SOOOO not. I have been having contractions since last Saturday and they have been timeable and consistent since Wednesday night and, yet, nothing! Yesterday we even got to the magical 5-1-1 point, but because my contractions were not painful, I was told it was probably best to stay home and wait it out. GAH!!! I think part of why I am so upset is that the contractions are regular and uncomfortable enough that they wake me up/keep me up at night, so I'm not getting the rest I need. When we had our appointment this past Wednesday, our doc told us that if my contractions were consistent we should go to the hospital and she would have them keep us. The only problem with that? Our doc is not on call this weekend, another doc is, and when we talked to him yesterday he was in no rush to get me in. So...we are left waiting and wondering. We have our next appointment with the doc on Tuesday and we've decided that at that point we will schedule an induction. I don't like the fact that I've been having contractions every 5-10 minutes for 5 days at this point. All those contractions mean that I don't feel the baby move as much as I would like (aka as much as would put my mind at ease that all is well in there). I'm very lucky because my OB is beyond understanding. I don't know how, but she gets my fears and doesn't make me feel stupid for being anxious. I would love to go into labor on my own, and there is still time for that, but I just feel like my body is at a stand still and my emotions are out of control. I should be in good condition for an induction, as I am already dilated and effaced and I can only imagine that I've made progress since the last time I was checked (5 days ago), but we will see how things are going in there on Tuesday. Unless of course I start having painful contractions or my water breaks before then....(please, please, please!!!!)

Oh, and just for fun, here is a picture of me from our maternity photo shoot at 35 weeks:

(I love my belly, but I'm so ready to meet the baby who's living inside there!)

still here!

And I am still pregnant! I am trying to keep myself busy and keep my mind off what is ahead of me. This past weekend was supposed to be my graduation from grad school, so my parents' were in town from Chi.cago. During the middle of last week I just wasn't sure that I actually wanted to attend my graduation. It was 2 hours away and the closest hospital is just not top notch. I was leaning more towards not going when I got a call from the school that the campus was being shut down due to the rota.virus and graduation was being postponed to this upcoming Saturday (the 21st). That helped me with my decision :). I decided to think of this past weekend as my last without children and just enjoy lots of adult time. We went shopping, out to my favorite restaurants, and stayed up late playing cards. It was awesome.

Also, on Saturday, MBL and I had a date at the local cloth diaper store. I don't know if I've mentioned it on here, but MBL and I are planning on cloth diapering. It was always my intention to cloth diaper, but it took some convincing to get MBL on board. I had done my research and decided to get a good supply of pocket diapers--I have mostly Bum.Genius one size. They seemed like they were easy, reliable, and well rated. MBL has it in his head that prefolds would be the best for him, but I wanted to check them out in person. Thankfully, we have a local store where we could go and check them out. The woman who runs the store is incredible and was so helpful! She showed us exactly how prefolds work and gave us helpful tips on washing/using them. I have to say, I think MBL may be right on this one! I am so excited to cloth diaper her, it is ridiculous! The plan is to start using cloth diapers as soon as we use the supply of disposables that we have (one box of newborns and one box of size ones).

Speaking of her getting here, I find myself in some sort of limbo. Every night I go to bed wondering if she will be arriving the next day, sort of excited and sort of scared. I want to meet my daughter and get this parenthood thing started, but I'm also completely aware that her arrival will forever change our lives. I guess after going through infertility, I just never considered that I'd actually get to the point where I would need to prepare my life for a baby. Sounds silly, right? With all we went through to get here, actually bringing home a baby seemed too unrealistic. And now she is coming! I've been contracting off and on since Saturday, I've started to dilate, and we've completely prepped her room. Now all that is standing in my way is labor and delivery and then I will be a parent. And, truthfully, it still hasn't really sunk in. I mean, I can go and sit in the rocker in her room and look around at all the baby furniture and I'm still in disbelief. During my first trimester I wrote a post about feeling like I was holding my breath, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Someone wrote a comment on how they held their breath all the way to the delivery room. I thought they were crazy! All I could think was, how could you be pregnant for 9 months and still not believe there would be a baby at the end? Apparently it's not that hard because here I am, full term, and still in shock that in mere days I will be giving birth to my daughter. I guess the sting of infertility really hasn't gone away.

All I can say is, I think the only thing that will smack me back to reality is actually going through labor/delivery and holding my baby in my arms...then it should all sink in, right?

you just can't make me happy...

Today is a weird day for me. I just don't know what to do with myself or my emotions. Last year was TOUGH. For a recap about how the day went, you can go here. A brief summary of last year on this day? I got my period. I had to work a ten hour shift. And I felt forgotten (although I did have one amazing friend acknowledge all of the waiting for our BFPs mamas). I'm sure I cried. What I remember so vividly is that this day HURT. Like deep down in my bones emotional pain HURT. I grieved what I was lacking, what I wanted so badly.

Today? I am the epitome of a mom to be...just about bursting at the seams! I have received text messages from all but one of my sisters, a card from my mom, a text from my cousin, and face.book acknowledgement of the fact that I can now "celebrate" Mother's Day. While I am grateful for the beautiful, thoughtful texts I have received, I really just feel weird about the whole day. I'm beyond grateful to have this baby in my belly and it's such a gift to not be spending the day crying over my period, but I can't help think of just how crappy I felt last year. How much this day stung. Infertility is an awkward disease, one that lots of people don't know how to handle/address. I imagine that most of my family didn't know what to say to me last year...I don't even know what the best thing would have been for them to say.

I was thinking of how we could rework the name of this day and it's all very PC. It could be "Happy Women's Day" or "Happy Women's Health Day." But even those don't seem to work. It's not that I think it's wrong to celebrate mothers. My own is an amazing woman for whom I am immensely grateful. She is one of my most favorite people on this planet and I love spending time with her. I would love it if my older sister and I lived on either side of my parents because we would have a blast (youngest sister, I'm assuming you would still live with Mom and Dad ;). I am lucky enough to have really amazing female relatives. My youngest sister once described my older sister as "fierce" and I really think that describes us well. I blame my mom for that, she didn't want us to be doormats or dumb blondes. I have been blessed with an incredible Mom and I love celebrating her.

My point in all of this? Is that it seems you just can't make me happy on this day. I was devastated last year and this year I'm just passe towards the whole day. I just wish there was a way to acknowledge Moms, Moms-to-be, Women who want to be moms, and Women who are either too young to be moms or aren't sure they want to be moms. So, maybe I should make this day, "Happy You're an Amazing Woman Day"?! That could work.

I just want all those still waiting for their BFPs to know that I am thinking of you and I remember how hard this day was. I just hope you know that I think y'all are amazing and strong and incredible women and deserve acknowledgement on this day!

a few thoughts and an update!

I am 3 weeks from my due date today! That's only 21 days! Wowza. As I near the end of my pregnancy, I thought I would share some thoughts on being pregnant and what I am anticipating for my birth experience. Here it is:

-I have really enjoyed being pregnant. It's been an incredible experience and even though I am now over 9 months pregnant, I still don't feel *that* uncomfortable. Sure I have to get up 2-3 times a night to pee and getting up off the couch makes me feel quite large, but other than that, I feel pretty good! (and, yes, I realize that I am very lucky for that!)
-While I do enjoy being pregnant, I am REALLY looking forward to meeting this little girl! I want to see what her little face looks like! I want to kiss her face, feet, and hands!
-There are two things that bum me out about pregnancy, and, yes, they are totally vain. The first thing is that up until 32 weeks I did not have a single stretchmark. I read that this meant I probably wouldn't get any. WRONG. In the last two weeks, my lower belly has exploded!! I have lots. It's totally worth it, but it still makes me sad. The second thing is that I have put on weight in my thighs/butt. I was hoping to be a belly only person, but the lack of consistent exercise (up until 24 weeks) has meant that my legs are suffering for it. Thankfully I have a closet full of maternity dresses that hide this quite well!! Just like the stretch marks, my thicker legs are totally worth it in the end :).
-As I get closer to actually having to deliver this baby, I have had to decide how I would like things to go. The basic gist of it? Get the baby out safely and soundly, whatever that entails! Really, I am hoping to deliver vagin.ally WITH an epidural and I would like to hold out on getting the drugs until I am 4-5cm. Up until that point, I am planning on walking around and using the birthing ball to help get the baby in prime position.
-Related to that last point, when I was with my mom a few weeks ago I found out that her water broke with her first three pregnancies! Considering that happens in only 10% of pregnant women (before labor starts), I am now planning on it happening to me. Also, bizarrely enough, with two of those she had to be induced because labor didn't start after her water broke. And she still had vagin.al births! I'm hoping that if I need to be induced, I have the same fate!
-I just started packing my hospital bag. It seems so surreal that I actually need to be ready for her arrival!

So, as it turns out, the positive results my mom had from induction might end up being very important to me. In the last two weeks, my picture perfect, complication free pregnancy has taken an interesting turn. Normally I have incredible blood pressure. My systolic is usually in the low 100s and my diastolic is usually between 50-60. I've even had readings in the 90s. These numbers have continued in my pregnancy, up until recently. Over the last two weeks it's slowly been getting higher. On Friday I was at work and felt really weird so I went to the medical office (conveniently right next door to mine) and took my BP/HR. My BP was 139/85 and my HR was 102!!! I took it again an hour later and it was 135/82 and my HR was 113!!! I called my doc and she told me that I would probably need to be taken off of work (even though I work a desk job) and that I should go in to the hospital if my BP remained elevated over the weekend. Well, it did stay up, but I did not go in. I just wasn't sure what they could do for me. I am planning on waiting for my appointment on Wednesday to speak with the doc about what this means. Even though I rested today and did a whole lot of sitting around, my BP was still high. I'm guessing the doc will take me off of work and have me rest lots until inducing me. From what I've read, they usually like to have you go to 39 weeks, if possible. Now, if I start spilling protein (which I haven't yet), then it may be sooner. All I can say is that having my BP and HR be so high (again, for me) is really scary and makes me feel all sorts of weird. I will probably ask for an ultrasound on Wednesday to make sure the baby is handling all of this well. I really looking foward to getting some answers on Wednesday!