infertility is stupid and sucky.

That basically sums up how I feel. I used to feel sad, and, sometimes, I still do. But most of the time I just feel tired. Sick of it. A lot of what I feel now is just that Infertility is stupid. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate that I can hardly work up the joy to be excited about other people's pregnancies. A former coworker of mine just announced her pregnancy via facebook. I didn't know her that well, but I saw her every day for nearly two years. And, now, i'm jealous of her happy announcement. And, top it off, my cousin (who in my potentially unrealistic opinion, has always had everything she wanted) just had her baby and my other cousin (due in august) just posted that she's having a girl. So, my facebook page has been inundated with baby announcements and instead of feeling happy for these people, I just feel like I'm wearing a big I on my chest. I WANT to be happy for these people, there is nothing unhappy about having a baby or being pregnant. However, the cousin who just had her baby was not even trying to get pregnant; she was on the pill! I guess I just feel like after 14 months, I deserve this. My husband and I would make fantastic parents, so why isn't it our turn? I have a strong faith, but I have a hard time believing that God gave us infertility. I tell my mom that to me that's like saying someone was given cancer. I just think that there are some terrible things that happen in life that are unreasonable and unfair and just plain ugly. To me, this infertility journey is one of those things. I hate it. HATE IT. Blah.

Also, I have been terrible at the losing weight, working out, eating better aspect of life. I am back up to where I started and last night I overindulged at my small group potluck. So, perhaps I'm feeling extra crappy because my body also feels extra crappy? I haven't even worked out in a week. Can I just say, blah, again? I need to get out of this funk. I actually scheduled an appointment with a holistic care provider in two weeks. Apparently he will help me make dietary changes that may positively impact my fertility. And while it *seems* like the problem is really with the hubs, I figure, it doesn't hurt for me to make changes as well. Speaking of the hubs, we had our follow-up appointment with the urologist and he said everything looks good and that in 60% of cases, a pregnancy occurs in the 6 months following the surgery. I'm thinking we might go back to IUIs in June, so we'll just have to wait and see (and patience is NOT one of my virtues).

I. am. naughty.

So, I was all set to begin my new plan of weight loss and caffeine restriction and holding out on things until I had reached certain goals, but that pretty much went down the toilet (temporarily). It all started on Tuesday. I just NEEDED a diet coke. One with caffeine. So when I was at the mall I got one and drank the whole 20 ounces. Then, I just HAD to call and schedule my hair appointment...I figured I may not get in for a few weeks, so I should get on the schedule. Well, they just so happened to have an opening on Wednesday that would work perfectly with my schedule. SO, with only 2 pounds lost I went and cut off all my hair. While I didn't fulfill my weight loss goal before doing it, cutting it all off did make me feel better. I always feel like a hair cut is cathartic and a way to release negative energy/feelings. And, now, I feel good. How else was I naughty? Another thing I have been trying to avoid consuming is alcohol. Yesterday, however, I also gave into this temptation, with not one, not two, but THREE beers. They were delish and I only feel semi-bad. Finally, the hubs and I agreed to start saving more and going out less. We had been really good about that, but we went out Saturday and then AGAIN last night. I just LOVE going out, but I really do need to be better...plus, the $30 we spent on food could have gone towards one of the many cute dresses I have been eyeing. Today, I am back on track. No caffeine. No alcohol. I'm making dinner in the crockpot. I can't really do anything about my hair, but I like it too much to care :).

So, with only 2 pounds lost I still have 13 more to go. Hopefully I don't continue to fall off the "being good" wagon!

sacrifices

Around September of 2004 I began running. I had never been a runner and when I started I wasn't very good at...I got winded after two minutes and had to walk. BUT, I kept at it and within a few months I was running 5, 6, 7 miles at a time. In 2006 I ran a 25k (15.5 miles) and in 2007 I ran it again. I had plans to run the same distance in 2009, but I kept thinking, "Oh, I shouldn't train too hard, I'm probably going to get pregnant." Well, when May came (the month of the race) and I still was NOT pregnant, I decided to run a shorter, 6.2 mile race instead. I kept running 4-6 days a week until we went to see our RE in july and he told me that if I used Clomid, then I probably should give up running. So, I did. Well, I still ran the first three days of my cycle, but then nothing after that. In November, I stopped running all together. It was a huge sacrifice for me, but I thought it would better our odds for IVF. The last three months I have had a hard time scraping myself up from the floor and the disappointment of our failed IVF. I did not run a single step, until Friday. I ran 3.3 miles and it was glorious. Kind of. It would have been more glorious without the extra 10 pounds I've put on since I started fertility treatments. I blame infertility. Not my desire to sit on my butt until it hurts watching tv. Well...I'm kind of sick of all the sitting and I'm making a new commitment to taking care of myself. As soon as I kick my sinus infection in the butt, I am planning on getting back into my running routine AND I plan to lose 15 pounds. The hubs and I are taking the next three months to get in better shape and health before we do any more fertility treatments, so I have the space to fulfill this goal. I want to get down to my goal weight by June 11. I plan on "bribing" myself to get to that number. My first bribe for myself? A haircut. I desperately need one, but the cost is so crazy that I really should do something in order to earn it (the hubs is blissfully unaware of how much I spend on my hair :). I have always enjoyed making hair changes when I am coping with emotional distress, and all this TTC is really distressing. SO, I have REALLY been craving a haircut/color. I would like to reach my first goal of losing five pounds in the next 2-3 weeks so that I can tend to the only accessory I wear every day. We'll see how I do!

Another sacrifice I've recently made? Caffeine. I've been trying to cut my intake down to 22 milligrams a day. And at some point I'd like to get even lower. Anything to improve our odds :). Too bad I'm basically cutting all the fun out of my life!!

waiting room guy

I am in the surgery waiting room trying to do some of my graduate school homework and sitting two seats away from me is waiting room guy. Waiting room guy has something to say about everything on TV. He especially likes to make comments about the political discussions on TV. I think he would like to believe that he is some kind of intellectual. He clearly is not. Not only is he speaking to himself OUT LOUD, IN PUBLIC. But, his comments make no sense. AND, he is wearing sweatpants and a sweater. He just LOOKS odd. Very nice, waiting room guy. Now if you could go find another seat OR just shut your mouth, I would appreciate it. Okie dokie? Thanks!

a new disorder: EBS

So, I think that the DSM IV should include a new diagnosis: EBS or Empty Backseat Syndrome. I am sure I would meet the diagnostic requirements for the disorder. You see, late last year my trusty 11 year old car began to poop out on me. It had been having problems for a while, but the breaking point for me was when it would no longer shift from first to second on its own. Instead, I would have to take my foot of the accelerator as if it were manual and then it would shift. Needless to say, it was terrifying to get on the highway as there was no guarantee the car would accelerate when it needed to. So, the hubs and I decided that we would purchase a new (to us) vehicle. I began looking on Craigslist and other websites, comparing brands with the report on quality. Over Thanksgiving, the hubs and my dad went looking for our new (to us) vehicle. They looked primarily at family sized vehicles because, well, we want a family. They found the perfect vehicle. Leather (heated!) seats, enough room for 5 passengers, a spacious trunk, and AWD. So, we bought it! We figured that since we were going through IVF only a month later that surely within a year we would be putting the vehicle to good use. Oh, naivete!! I still love the car, but usually at least once a week I stare at my empty backseat and pray for the day when I will have one (or two!) babies back there babbling at me. And, actually, I occasionally get extraordinary anxiety about whether or not the car will make it to when we have those babies. It seems like a waste of money to have bought a family car without a family to put in it (although our dog enjoys the extra room). I guess I also feel guilty that I am driving a large car when I am usually the only passenger. In the meantime, I am just PRAYING and HOPING that I will find the treatment (pregnancy/babies) to cure my EBS!!!

On another note, the hubs is currently in recovery after his varicocele surgery. He was quite the patient prior to going in. Very high maintenance that one is. Oh, and the moodiness!! He was all, "I'm hungry! I'm thirsty! My head hurts!". The hubs is usually quite content, as a psychology person, it's my personal opinion that it was the anxiety talking. At one point he even said, "can't we do this next week?" Um, no!! We are doing this NOW! Silly, silly boy! We should see improvement in his swimmers starting in June...so here's to a natural BFP!!

adventures in babymaking

As the months drag on, it is funny how I still find myself believing in the possibility that this month could be it. Hey, as long as I ovulate, then a miracle could happen, right? Well, this month I took Clomid and ended up with FOUR follicles. SWEET!! Sure, statistically, it is unlikely that any one of DH's little guys would make it to any one of those eggs, but at least they have more targets! And, again, who knows! Anyways, so I had taken the clomid, done a trigger shot and knew when I was likely to ovulate. DH and I scheduled our BDing time and I decided that for good measure I would let it all "marinate" over night. Usually I just lay down for 20-30 minutes, get up to use the restroom, and then lay back down. Well, I will NEVER forgo that route again!! I woke up at 2am Thursday morning with the ouch, ouchiest pee of my life!! I woke up DH and he ran to the 24 hour store to get me cranberry juice. I barely slept and called the doctor's office as soon as they opened. My doctor explained to me that I did, indeed, have a UTI and then gave me a list of causes. I then, sheepishly, explained to her how I was ovulating and didn't want to let anything "spill out." She laughed and then advised me against doing that in the future. TRUST ME I NEVER WILL!!!

On a different note, DH is scheduled for surgery in one week. We met with the urologist on Thursday and he explained what he would do in the surgery. I think DH is still a little nervous, but as the urologist explained, doing the surgery will help in the QUALITY of the sperm. It is my personal belief that one of the reasons our IVF didn't work is that the varicocele has damaged my DH's swimmer's DNA. And, yes, there is even research out there to back me up :). Too bad the varicocele surgery wasn't recommended to us prior to us spending $6,000 on our first IVF. Oh well.

Finally, I got some awesome news on Friday. See, last May I lost my job, basically due to the bad economy here. Since then I have been looking for employment that was both meaningful and would help us finance our baby dreams. In August I got a job as a nanny for 20-30 hours a week. It is definitely an interesting profession for an infertile to fill, but as it turns out my employer had her own fertility issues to conquer in order to get her little guy. Anyways, I had interviewed a few other part time positions in the fall and then laid off on the job searching hoping easing the stress would help us conceive. Oh naivete! Fast forward 6 months and I had to gear up for job searching round two. Well after three interviews and three job offers I was offered a part time position IN MY FIELD and at a rate HIGHER than I was making at the job I was let go from. HOOWA!!!!!!! I haven't been this excited in MONTHS!!! With that additional income we will be able to finance another IVF in August/September, IF we even need to (eternal optimist here). 2009 was a sucky, sucky year. SO GLAD that 2010 is shaping up to top it already :).