defining myself

Lately, I have been trying to figure out who I am. Or, rather, who I want to be. Or, maybe, who I am in this whole IF world. It all started rather innocently with the blood tests I had for our upcoming IVF cycle. I didn't think anything of the results when I got them, but when I later posted about them on a fertility board, I discovered that something was amiss. My results were: AMH, 1.0; FSH, 7; and LH, 13. I thought those numbers seemed fine and I was SO thankful to see that my AMH was still in the normal range and that my FSH hadn't suddenly gone up. Apparently, though, having an FSH level of 7 and an LH level of 13 is not good. I mean, it's not awful, but it generally suggests PCOS. WTHeck? And having an unbalanced FSH to LH ratio can impede embryo quality. And that's exactly one of the problems we've had in our previous two IVFs. I've felt for a long time that there was a problem for me and now I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm the biggest problem in this IF equation. Now, I'm just trying to figure out what exactly my diagnosis is. What "room" I fit into. Infertility doesn't define everything about me, but it sure plays a heck of a role in my current life. And I want to figure out who I am in this IF world. Do I have PCOS? Do I have diminishing fertility? Do we have male factor? Are we unexplained? I just wish I knew.

Oh, and just for kicks and giggles in the diagnosis department, my RE found something surprising during my hysteroscopy. You see, I tried to get in for a hysteroscopy with my OB so MBL and I wouldn't have to drive to Chicago to see our RE. Our trip, however, kept us from being able to get in with her, so we were left with no other choice than driving to Chicago straight from the airport Monday evening. My OB thought that a hysteroscopy was overkill, but we wanted to make sure we covered every possible base before our IVF. We got up bright and early Tuesday for our appointment and I started chugging the required amount of water. I also took a vali.um because my last hysteroscopy hurt quite a bit. We got there right on time and the doc was able to get things started on schedule as well. It didn't hurt that much and I was thinking we'd been in and out in seconds without a hiccup. When he finally got the scope in, however, I saw that things were not as they should be. Instead of seeing a normal uterus, we saw what MBL referred to as "balloon animals". Apparently that's not normal. Boo. And apparently those balloon animals are called polyps in the medical community. Great. Another problem with me. Our RE said that he sees polyps in about 5% of patients and that he doesn't know why they happen. He then gave me several options: I could do nothing, I could have my OB scrape me out, I could come back for anaesthesia and have him do it, or I could have him scrape it right then and there. The last option would ensure that our IVF cycle would still be able to start on time. After some hemming and hawing, I decided to let him go ahead and do it right then. But not before telling him I took a vali.um (to which he gave me a very disapproving look). Basically, he gave me a D&C while I was totally conscious and without any anaesthesia. I'm so glad I took that vali.um. I should now have a totally smooth and hospitable ute for our upcoming transfer. I am so glad I went ahead with the hysteroscopy because a mock transfer probably would not have revealed my inner balloons.

We are now all set as far as pre-IVF testing goes. I started lupron on Wednesday and took my last birth control pill this evening. A week from tomorrow I should be starting stims. I have my baseline ultrasound on Wednesday... I'm hoping everything looks good and I'll be able to start on time! IVF this time around has been full of surprises (not good ones), but I'm really hoping that everything from here on out will be complication (or nasty surprise) free!

What was the worst surprise you've received? What about the best?