Monday, March 19, 2012

a big and difficult decision.


While we were on our trip to DC, I got a call from my supervisor at work. It turns out that one of the full time people in my office is now gone. I knew when I got the call that it would mean some sort of change for us (meaning MBL and I). When I got back to work on Wednesday, the talking and computing began. I knew what my options would likely be, so I started doing the math based on that. I did not like my calculations.

For a little background, I currently work 20 hours a week. Because I work ten hour days, it usually ends up being only one weekday and one weekend day. This is great for our family. It means that we maximize my time with Piper while minimizing our daycare costs. The situation is ideal.

So... What is the problem? Well, with the third person in my office being gone, lots of changes are coming. For starters, they are making everyone go to 8 hour shifts. That means that if I stay at 2 days a week, I will lose 16 hours of pay a month. That's significant. I did the math for staying 16 hours, moving up to 32 and going the full 40. The math was clear. If I moved up to 32 hours/week, I would only make an additional $3000 a year. If I moved up to 40 hours/week, however, I would make an additional $10000 a year. That's huge. That's the cost of ONE cycle of IVF (without meds). I HATE that reality. I had 24 hours to make a decision and after talking it over with MBL, the choice I had to make was clear. Starting April 15th, I will be moving to full time, 40 hours/week at work. And I HATE it. The morning I had to make this decision I had a total meltdown at work. I ended up crying in my office. I do not like this new reality.

The situation we are in, however, is that it cost $25,000 to get Piper. We are lucky to not have any debt from that. We do have debt from me getting my Master's. About the same amount as it cost to make Piper. We have already spent $1500 on trying to make baby #2 and now that we are headed towards IVF, that number will end up being closer to $12,000. Even with MBL's decent income, those are big numbers. Heartbreaking numbers. If we didn't want #2 so badly or if we had more time to try cheaper methods of TTC, I wouldn't have to work full time. The truth of the matter is, though, that my AMH is on the very low end of normal. The only thing that worked after TTC for 21 months the last time was IVF. And, if we want more kids, we need to get going. And, if we are truly looking to our family's best interests, then we need to achieve the size of our family with as little debt as possible. We can only do this if I take advantage of the open hours at work.

I prayed and prayed over this decision. I do not want to give up my time at home. I do not want to give up my flexible schedule. I do not want to give up all my Piper snuggles. I am beyond pissed at the fact that infertility has forced me to this decision. The only peace I have is that I am certain that this decision will be hardest on the adults. Piper will be fine. She will be at daycare 4 days a week from 8:30-3:00. I am hoping this will still leave me with 4-5 hours of awake/play time at home. She will still have lots of time with her mommy. Also, this situation is temporary. We are hoping that I get pregnant very soon. That means that I will only be full time for 8 months before going on maternity leave. It also means that because I will be a full time employee, I will be paid 60% of my salary while on that maternity leave. I will only have to return to work for 30 days after my leave and after that point I can quit. There are so many positives to this situation (financially), that I really can't be selfish and decide that it's too much for me to handle.

I'm not going to lie... I'm probably going to be a little bitter for a while over this. I know I am freakin' lucky to have this opportunity. To have a job. To have money to spend on IVF. BUT, I wouldn't have to face any of this if we could just make our babies in the bedroom like normal people. Freakin' infertility. Freakin' lack of insurance coverage.

Let's just hope this IVF works and I have a true deadline for working full time.

Have you had to make sacrifices in order to grow the size of your family? What's the worst thing you've had to give up in order to have (more) babies?


  1. I can relate totally and am so sorry. I work part time to pay my student loans that are $75,000. We were fortunate enough to pay all IVF expenses out of pocket but we are facing wanting a second baby too and I just don't know where that money will come from. The $ side is so stressful. Luckily I feel my daughter gets more out of her four days at school than she would with just me alone so I don't have to stress about that. Good luck to you and it sounds like you made a good decision.

  2. Oh my heart just breaks for you! I would totally be bitter too. I'm hoping and praying that this first IVF works for you! *hugs*

  3. I'm mad for you! Praying that it all works out and you are able to find the right balance for your family.

  4. I can totally relate to you. I am a teacher part time right now (teaching in the mornings) and just had a discussion with my boss about if I was ready to come back next yr full time. I spent 10,000 out of pocket last yr with my miscarriages and the extra money would be great - but I'm not ready to leave my daughter yet. Ahhh, hoping that you find your right answer...

  5. What a difficult decision! After as much you went through to get the first babe, I'm sure you just want to enjoy every second of it! It's unbelievable how much all of this infertility treatment can cost, especially without good insurance to back you up. UGH. SO UNFAIR! Why do so many people get pregnant for free and we have to pay thousands (and thousands) of dollars!?!?

  6. Hi from ICLW!

    I am so sorry that you are having to make this decision. iF is so unfair, I just hate it. I had to make the tough decision to wean my SD from nursing in order to get going on IVF and it was a tough, fraught with tears decision. It's just not ok that we have to make these sacrifices in the name of a family that so many others get so easily!