a big and difficult decision.

(source)

While we were on our trip to DC, I got a call from my supervisor at work. It turns out that one of the full time people in my office is now gone. I knew when I got the call that it would mean some sort of change for us (meaning MBL and I). When I got back to work on Wednesday, the talking and computing began. I knew what my options would likely be, so I started doing the math based on that. I did not like my calculations.

For a little background, I currently work 20 hours a week. Because I work ten hour days, it usually ends up being only one weekday and one weekend day. This is great for our family. It means that we maximize my time with Piper while minimizing our daycare costs. The situation is ideal.

So... What is the problem? Well, with the third person in my office being gone, lots of changes are coming. For starters, they are making everyone go to 8 hour shifts. That means that if I stay at 2 days a week, I will lose 16 hours of pay a month. That's significant. I did the math for staying 16 hours, moving up to 32 and going the full 40. The math was clear. If I moved up to 32 hours/week, I would only make an additional $3000 a year. If I moved up to 40 hours/week, however, I would make an additional $10000 a year. That's huge. That's the cost of ONE cycle of IVF (without meds). I HATE that reality. I had 24 hours to make a decision and after talking it over with MBL, the choice I had to make was clear. Starting April 15th, I will be moving to full time, 40 hours/week at work. And I HATE it. The morning I had to make this decision I had a total meltdown at work. I ended up crying in my office. I do not like this new reality.

The situation we are in, however, is that it cost $25,000 to get Piper. We are lucky to not have any debt from that. We do have debt from me getting my Master's. About the same amount as it cost to make Piper. We have already spent $1500 on trying to make baby #2 and now that we are headed towards IVF, that number will end up being closer to $12,000. Even with MBL's decent income, those are big numbers. Heartbreaking numbers. If we didn't want #2 so badly or if we had more time to try cheaper methods of TTC, I wouldn't have to work full time. The truth of the matter is, though, that my AMH is on the very low end of normal. The only thing that worked after TTC for 21 months the last time was IVF. And, if we want more kids, we need to get going. And, if we are truly looking to our family's best interests, then we need to achieve the size of our family with as little debt as possible. We can only do this if I take advantage of the open hours at work.

I prayed and prayed over this decision. I do not want to give up my time at home. I do not want to give up my flexible schedule. I do not want to give up all my Piper snuggles. I am beyond pissed at the fact that infertility has forced me to this decision. The only peace I have is that I am certain that this decision will be hardest on the adults. Piper will be fine. She will be at daycare 4 days a week from 8:30-3:00. I am hoping this will still leave me with 4-5 hours of awake/play time at home. She will still have lots of time with her mommy. Also, this situation is temporary. We are hoping that I get pregnant very soon. That means that I will only be full time for 8 months before going on maternity leave. It also means that because I will be a full time employee, I will be paid 60% of my salary while on that maternity leave. I will only have to return to work for 30 days after my leave and after that point I can quit. There are so many positives to this situation (financially), that I really can't be selfish and decide that it's too much for me to handle.

I'm not going to lie... I'm probably going to be a little bitter for a while over this. I know I am freakin' lucky to have this opportunity. To have a job. To have money to spend on IVF. BUT, I wouldn't have to face any of this if we could just make our babies in the bedroom like normal people. Freakin' infertility. Freakin' lack of insurance coverage.

Let's just hope this IVF works and I have a true deadline for working full time.

Have you had to make sacrifices in order to grow the size of your family? What's the worst thing you've had to give up in order to have (more) babies?