letting go

When I heard at 18 weeks that my little bubs had low fluid I just about went off the deep end.  I dreaded every day and felt like I would never get to a point where I would be able to enjoy this pregnancy again.  When it was further confirmed at 19 weeks I pretty much said good-bye to the idea that I would get to walk around like a big, ole happy preggo.  All I could picture was spending the rest of my days lying in bed or sitting in chair wishing the days away.  Oh, and I definitely pictured the scale just climbing higher and higher as all my muscles atrophied from lack of movement.  In case you couldn't tell, I can be a bit of a drama pants.

I started letting go of my fears when MBL and I set out on our holiday break.  I made up my mind to take it as easy as possible, but not stress out over spending long(er) periods of time on my feet.  I would sit when the opportunity arose, drink as much as possible, and just pray that everything I was doing would make a difference.  I played with Piper, went on walks with my mom, and managed to stop fretting about the situation.  I was feeling baby boy move more and I knew that fetal movement was usually a good sign, so that helped ease my mind.  Every time I went on a walk or did more than I thought I should, I would follow it up with a water bottle or two of water and some time on my rear end. I also started taking baby aspirin and tried my darndest to sleep only on my left side, but I also allowed myself to roll over to my other side if it got too uncomfortable.  I was doing all I could to help things, but not going overboard.  When I got the news at our level II that my fluid was back in the normal range, it made me feel so good.  Normally, I would love the idea of getting ultrasounds all the time (I just love seeing my little guy), but once it seemed like I might actually make it into the high risk category, I realized just how scary that was and that an ultrasound every 2-3 weeks was hardly consolation for all of the stress of having a pregnancy complication.  I have another ultrasound scheduled for today and I will probably request a follow up for 3 weeks from now, but after that, I don't really want another one until I'm in labor (MBL has requested I have one upon arrival at the hospital--he's so afraid the baby will be breech again and we won't know it!).

I've managed to let go more and more since getting the all clear from the MFM.  I figure he sees all the really scary cases and he's old enough to know what's really going to be a problem, so if he thinks I'm fine, then I'm probably fine.  I've been diligently drinking a gallon (or more) a day, but I've also been allowing myself to enjoy coffee and running again.  And I'm a happier person because of it.  Running really is the best therapy for me and I was really becoming a grump without it.  I did amend one of my goals--I had wanted to run a 5k every month of this pregnancy--but, with the fear of falling out on the icy sidewalks, coupled with my need for close bathrooms, I decided to give this one up.  I do hope to continue to exercise until the day I give birth and, ideally, I would like to make it until at least 38 weeks with running, but I'm trying to take the "one day at a time" approach.

So, here's hoping my ultrasound today shows an even more awesome fluid level and a growing baby boy!  If not, I'll just be thankful that I'm so much closer to 24 weeks than I was when I first heard the words "low fluid".