a second chance

Piper started swim lessons last week. It's just about the cutest thing ever. She loves it and I love being able to spend that time with her. The Y where she is taking the lessons is in view of the hospital in which we had her. Every single time we drive past my heart aches. I haven't been able to put into words why until MBL tagged along for swim lessons last week. I was telling him how I feel about seeing the hospital and he totally got it. See, the thing is that I feel like I was robbed of my whole pregnancy/birth/brand new baby experience. Even though I was pregnant with Piper for 40 weeks and 2 days, I realize now that I NEVER ever thought my experience would end in a live birth. When we got to the hospital and the doctor broke my water and said, "This baby's not on it's way out," I fully assumed that we were going to be faced with awful news. When she came in with the ultrasound machine and pointed out that there was no head where a head should be, I thought that meant my baby had no head. I think that shows just how much I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had a hard time accepting that I could actually get pregnant, carry that pregnancy to term, and then deliver a healthy, live baby. I assumed I would always get bad news (which is probably why I took the news of needing a csection so well, it was the "bad" news I was waiting for). Passing that hospital gives me lots of good memories, but it also makes me yearn for the chance to do it again. I want the opportunity to enjoy pregnancy, to enjoy labor and birth, and to enjoy those first few days with my new baby. I'll be able to better appreciate my pregnancy because I know that it can have a happy ending. I won't spend my days worrying about what could go wrong. I'm hoping I'll be able to enjoy labor/delivery better, too. I feel like I really wasn't present last time and I know that impacted being able to enjoy Piper those first few days. And the fact that I didn't feel present last time around is why I am considering doing a VBAC next time around. Maybe even a med free one. A part of me thinks it would be really helpful for me to be able to experience everything fully. And, who knows, maybe it would help me have a better supply, too. The other shoe keeps dropping this go around, Piper isn't even a year old yet and we already have two negative IUIs and a negative IVF under our belts. I'm just praying we get our good news soon and I'm able to try out all of the above. I keep telling people it's not a matter of "if" but "when" and I hope that when is some time really soon because this journey is exhausting.