Sunday, December 2, 2012

still infertile

After I wrote my last post, I took some time to reflect on where I am on this infertility journey. I looked at the tickers at the top of my blog page and my heart both beams with excitement over how things worked out and, yet, still feels sadness for everyone out there who hasn't been as lucky.

I really wanted to have my babies 2 years or less apart and I can't believe that it's actually going to happen. Because this is a natural pregnancy, I find myself forgetting everything we went through already this year. We started back with our RE last December because we knew that we didn't have time to waste (both for spacing reasons and because of my less than stellar AMH results). We went through 2 IUIs and a full IVF. Heartbreaking BFNs. Then we took some time off and focused on getting healthier. We decided to go with CC.RM and flew out there in August, only to come back and get pregnant on our own!! We were looking at the budget busting, soul-crushing cycle cost of $16,000 and that's WITHOUT meds. When we got our BFP, I was more relieved over the fact that it meant we might actually be able to save money. (Because who knew that TTC meant forking over thousands of dollars).

Getting pregnant on our own, felt to me, like we had dodged a great big bullet. You see, MBL lost his job in May and I've been the sole income earner since then and I don't make a lot of money. And we own two homes (a house and a townhome). And, the reality is that IVF is expensive. So, even though we went to CC.RM and began discussing potential cycles and protocols, I knew in the back of my head that we might not be able to cycle again this year. And, in the way back of my head, I was slowly preparing myself for the fact that my children might be 3 or more years apart. With financial resources as tight as they are/were, I knew there was little chance that we would be able to afford the $16,000 price tag of a CC.RM cycle easily, especially when you factor in travel costs. And I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that the mere cost of TTC might keep me from being able to realize my dream and hope for my family that my children would be close in age. And even though we have the most precious one year old and I knew that no matter what we would one day have more children running around, coming to terms with the fact that IF was keeping me from what I wanted for my family was really difficult.

Then I got a line and another line and positive betas and good ultrasounds and, somehow, I've made it to nearly 17 weeks. 3 more weeks and I'll be halfway. 7 more weeks and we'll be at viability. 20 more weeks and I'll be full term. Tomorrow is December, which means that there are only 5 more months separating me from my due date. I'm still as nervous as ever that something might go wrong, especially because this seems like an easily won pregnancy, but I try to remind myself that the chance of anything going wrong at this point is 0.5%. I'll probably be scared until my ticker says 34 weeks. And then I'll hold off getting scared again until it's delivery time. That's what I've gotten from going through infertility and knowing how fragile everything is.

As a side note, despite the fact that I sometimes joke with my family that this is our "free" baby, it's really anything but. I calculated it one day and we've actually spent at least $18,000 on fertility treatments this year. The good news is that we're looking at a really nice refund check. The bad news is that after spending all that money, it's good old se.x that got me pregnant! HA!

What are your family building dreams? Do you have an idea of what ideal spacing would be for your family? Anybody else want to share their medical bill total for the year?


  1. Our IVF and other attempts/appointments cost us nearly 17k - and we too are looking forward to that refund check!

  2. I'm so far behind on blogging I didn't realize you were pregnant with #2 AND an unassisted one at that. Holy crap!! I'm so excited for you!! :)