Last night as I was doing my best to fall asleep, I couldn't help but think about our infertility journey. We are at the point where we are facing TTC again and I am completely scared out of my mind. A part of me liked the fact that AF has been absent while I've been pumping for Piper because it meant that I didn't have to think about timing things, temperature taking, and peeing on sticks. The 21 months leading up to our BFP were so unbelievably painful. And, unfortunately, a BFP and a healthy baby haven't "cured" me from being an infertile. No, I have no idea how long it will take to conceive #2, but I'm gearing up for the long haul. Even though I am prepared for a lengthy journey, I am not immune to the jealousy and heartache that comes along with struggling to conceive. I swear, up until two weeks ago, I felt nothing but bliss about my new life and pregnancy announcements didn't bother me. Now? I'm back to longing for a bump of my own. One of my closest friends just told me that in light of a recent health scare she and her husband may begin TTC in the next few months. This means we would be TTC at the same time. My last friend to announce this to me showed up at our next get together (3 months later) and announced she was 13 weeks pregnant. Which means she got pregnant on the first shot. I wasn't really upset about it then, I had a newborn and my mind was not thinking about TTC. But now? I'm sad. And scared. It seems silly to say that I'm scared, but what I really mean is that I am SO not looking forward to all the emotions that come along with BFN after BFN. I'm scared about the amount of time it will take. I'm scared of the jealousy I will feel towards my friend should #2 take as long to conceive as #1. I'm scared of the decisions MBL and I will have to face if it comes down to needing to see the RE again. I'm scared of going back on fertility meds. Most of all, I'm scared that I'll never have what I so desperately want: my family of five.
Infertility is particularly frustrating because having children seems like such a simple task to the majority of the population. You time things right a few months (or WOOPS! you forget to use birth control) and nine months later you are holding a precious baby. For those of us in the ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) community, things aren't that easy and the difficulty and pain we experience during the process of building our families is often misunderstood or brushed off by those who haven't experienced it themselves. Which makes it even worse.
I have blogged about this before (many times), but MBL and I are pretty open with what it took to get pregnant and just how Piper was created. We feel good sharing our story because, in doing so, we hope that we are able to help others understand infertility a little better. We are trying to put a face with a disease that so many people view as just an inconvenience. Doing this has both positive and negative consequences for us. The positives are obvious: we are increasing awareness about IF and the treatments for it. We are trying to debunk myths about infertility and, I think, we have been fairly successful at this. The negatives are a little harder to understand, but now that I am a mom who longs for another, it's hard because everyone knows about it. They know we are going to try again right away. The know we had a hard time the last time. And, the tough part, is that I want them to ask me how it's going. I want them to care that it took a lot to get Piper and that our journey to #2 and #3 might not be easy. I want their sympathy and their listening ears, but, at the same time, I feel embarassed that we struggle with infertility. I want to conceive easily like my cousins. I want to be able to live a life without REs or fertility drugs or fear of losing my pregnancy. In short, I want to be a fertile. I want to be "normal". Really, I want to not be obesessing about how much time it may or may not take to get pregnant again!
I guess all of this proves that the saying is true, "Once an infertile, always an infertile." At least I have a community who understands!