the good, the bad, and the sometimes sad

Piper is 23 days old today. I can hardly believe that my baby has already been out of my body for three weeks! They have been the shortest three weeks of my life. Time is flying by already!

The good of the past three weeks? Getting to know my sweet daughter! And getting to know myself as a mom. I kind of feel like I was thrown into this role and I'm having an interesting time figuring it all out. I told MBL that I'm making it up as I go. For example? I read that I should keep noises at a normal level during the day so that Piper knows it's day time. So, I also decided that I should make her naps different than when we put her to sleep at night. At night we swaddle her and turn on her white noise maker and have the room very quiet. During the day I have her sleep in her swing or her bouncy and I don't swaddle her so that she sleeps lightly. I have no idea if this is "right", but it's what I'm doing for now. The good is that she seems to have straightened out her days and nights pretty well. She always goes at least 3 hours at night and more often than not goes 4-5. We've even had two nights of 6-7 hours in a row!! I consider us to be very lucky for that and pray that our stretches of sleep just get longer and more consistent. Another good thing is that I am already down to my pre-pregnancy weight. Actually, as of today, I am one pound below it. I still have 13-16 pounds to go before I'm at my pre-IF/comfy weight, but I'm glad to be closer to it!! I know it's vain to care about my weight when my baby is only three weeks old, but since I'm by no means a stick, I figure it's okay to be happy about smaller numbers on the scale! And since we plan on trying again when we get the green light from the doc, I'd like to reach that number in the next few months.

The bad? The only things I can think to put in this category are the fact that MBL had to go back to work this week (after having three weeks off) and the lack of sleep. The latter point? OH. MY. GOODNESS. There are days when I totally understand why some people choose to be one and done. I have never been so tired in my life. The funny thing is that each night I get between 7-9 hours of sleep, but those hours aren't consecutive and that, apparently, is key. Taking several 3-5 hour naps over a period of 12 hours and being awake for 30-60 minutes here and there during that time is not what my body enjoys. I'm not suprised by the fact that I have to get up several times a night, I'm just surprised by how much I resemble a zombie by mid-afternoon and how I long to go to bed at 6pm each day.

And now, the sad. What could be sad about having a baby after IF? Well, being reminded once again that my body doesn't like to do what it should and feeling like a failure because of it. Prior to Piper coming, I wasn't that excited about breastfeeding, but I knew I wanted to do it because that is what is best for the baby. So, I went to a class and intended on being gung-ho about the whole thing for the sake of Piper. Well...what I was not planning on was having a total crap supply. As it turns out, I am not a human cow. Right after Piper was born, the hospital did their best to get her to latch and feed right away, but it was a few hours before we got our first feed in. Then, the next day, she went 8 hours without eating a lot. Not for lack of effort, she just wouldn't stay awake long enough to get what she needed. The LC at the hospital ended up having my pump and feeding Piper through a tube (using her finger). I thought we were just off to a rocky start and that soon I would be overflowing. Nope. At Piper's 8 day appointment, she was still at the weight at which she left the hospital. I nearly burst into tears at the doctor's office. I went and met with a lactation consultation who basically told me that the problem was me. Simply put, I was not making enough to make Piper gain weight. That night we had to start supplementing because Piper was inconsolable. Talk about feeling like a total crap parent. My baby was hungry because my body can't do what it should. The supply issues have hit me harder than I imagined. I have friends and even a cousin who have similar issues and I always thought, "Oh poor them" while simultaneously thinking, "I'm sure that won't happen to me." Which, incidentally, is exactly how I used to view IF. Something that happens to other people, not me. It makes me incredibly sad that I can't provide Piper with all the nutrition she needs. I'm taking medication and supplements and my supply still hasn't gotten to where it needs to be. Oh, and I have to pump instead of nurse because Piper doesn't empty me when she nurses and otherwise I'd have to pump AFTER I nursed AND try to feed Piper the additional ounces she needs. The whole thing is completely frustrating and infuriating!! I'd like my body to just work a little bit better (please?).