first post.

what a clever title for my first post, right? I just thought I would mark this momentous occasion with a catchy title ;).

anywho, what brought me to the blogging world is the desire to share my own struggle with infertility. whether or not I am the only person who evers visits this blog does not concern me. I have this innate desire to get my feelings out there. I need to voice what I am going through or I will go crazy. or, maybe, I'm already there.

you see, my husband and I began trying to get pregnant right when we got married in 2008. I started charting after our first try didn't work and have been watching my temperatures go up and down since then. we are officially on month 15. I had every reason to believe our first few months would get us a BFP because, well, I'm young (24) and have normal, even eerily reliable, cycles. I can almost plan to the minute when AF will arrive. when we were not pregnant after three months I made my husband get his guys examined. I just had a feeling that there was a problem. sure enough his count was below normal, 18 million. so low, but not dramatically so. In March we had another analysis and this time the count was 51.9 million. WOO HOO!! we were going to get pregnant FOR SURE. Nope. wrong. wrong. wrong. In May 2009 I went to a new OB/Gyn who was willing to do preliminary testing. she did an exam and an u/s and scheduled me for a HSG. my HSG was a breeze, well as breezy as it could be, and both of my tubes look normal and open. I also have a very normal uterus. go me. I took 50mg of clomid that cycle. MADE ME AN INSANE PERSON! seriously, I am surprised that my husband did not run away. I got a yeast infection (nice) when I should have started my period and insanely thought I was pregnant. nope. the next month I did 50mg of Clomid again. no dice. AF came on our family vacation. woo. hoo. I started to get REALLY worried and made DH go in for another look under the microscope. sure enough, his count was only 9.8 million per mL. blech. I got on the phone with an RE and was able to get in THE NEXT DAY. that month was our first IUI. AF came while my parents were in town. we got in a HUGE FIGHT that involved lots of profanity and yelling...and, yes, I am sure my parents heard it all. can we say, low point? oh, and I found out that my cousin-who-has-everything was pregnant. unintentionally. I found out while in my night class. it took all of the energy I had left to not burst into tears and run out the door. that month I decided that we should go for 100mg of Clomid and felt certain it was our month. again, no. september was our last IUI and when that failed we scheduled a laparoscopy for me. my RE found "mild endo", two little spot of it. one behind my ovary and the other above my uterus. I am still not convinced that this means I have endometriosis...

we then scheduled IVF for December. I began 20 units of lupron three days after AF arrived and then proceeded to stay on it for the next 24 days. UGLY. I thought Clomid was bad...lupron kicked my butt. by the end of November I was SO BLOATED I could barely get my pants on. blech. once I dropped down to 5 units and began the stims, the bloat went away and so did any extra weight. wahoo. after 12 days of stims they retrieved 17 eggs, but only 7 were mature. 6 fertilized with ICSI and we had a two day transfer of two great embryos. we had one make it to freeze. our new years eve news was that we WERE NOT pregnant. UGH. so. sick. of. BFNs!!!! cried for a bit. went on with life.

so where are we now? well, we got a second opinion from an RE near my parents after hearing from the RE here that if we failed one more IVF then we should consider donor eggs. um, hello??? I AM TWENTY FOUR!!! I am NOT using someone else's eggs. *disclaimer: I am ALL for donor egg use. I just don't think it is an appropriate step for me at this point.* sure enough, the second opinion said that he gives us a 90% chance of getting pregnant over 3 IVFs. so, our plan is to save up until we can afford the $16,000 for shared risk IVF. (shared risk is where the doctor will do a certain number of fresh IVF cycles and if they do not work, you get 80-100% of your money back). we are doing an 80% shared risk program. so if the worst happened we would get $13,000 back and have only paid $3,000 for 3 IVFs. yes, we may end up paying $16,000 for just one IVF, but because the program guarantees a live birth before it is deemed successful, we feel it is a risk worth taking. in the meantime I will be working at least 2 jobs to save up and my husband will be having surgery to correct his *ahem* problem. it will likely be a year before we can afford another go. AND, we also need to get med coverage before we could do it again. BLAH.

so, i'm a bit angry. a little bitter. and a lot upset. all three of my cousins on my mom's side are pregnant and due in 2010. huh? how'd that happen? well, for now, I'll just suck it up and be on my infertile way....