the other shoe

I haven't been on here in almost two weeks. The main reason for this is that the pesky other shoe finally dropped. As if our failed IVF wasn't enough, I think we've reached what I hope is rock bottom. I can't and won't go into too many details for a variety of reasons, but it became clear about a week ago that MBL is struggling. It would probably be more accurate to say that he hit rock bottom. All of the stress of his new job and family pressures as well as the financial strain of our medical issues (i.e. IVF), he just kind of reached his breaking point. The good news is he's getting help and is deeply invested in recovery and healing. He's finally being totally honest with me about his emotional struggles and he even admitted (FINALLY) that he has chosen his job over nearly everything else in his life, including his family and his own health. He's been travelling at least a week out of every month and facing tremendous strain as he has tried to balance work, Piper, and our marriage. He basically broke under the weight of it all. This has, obviously, put our whole life into a tailspin. All I really wanted was a minivan full of kids and to stay home with them all. Instead I will have to keep working full time, driving around my (very nice) station wagon/SUV, and put off our IVF cycle. We definitely aren't going to stop TTC, but we are going to put off using medical interventions. We don't have the money for a minivan or IVF, so we need to take some time to save up for those things. And, more importantly, we need to get MBL in a healthy place. Right now, we are hoping that MBL will be able to take FMLA from work and really take the time to set up healthy interventions and coping mechanisms so that this doesn't happen again. As of right now we are taking it moment by moment, day by day. Praying that the only way we have to go from here is up.

spinning

(source) That's what my mind is doing a lot of these days. Just spinning and reeling and going back and forth. I've been meaning to post for days, but I've had so much to say/share that I didn't know where to start. Life is crazy busy. Between work and Piper and house care and working out, there is hardly time left at the end of the day to respond to my personal email. I am still reading blogs, but haven't had much time to write a post of my own. And it doesn't help that blogger doesn't open up correctly on my work computer, so I am unable to write/publish posts there (you know, on my lunch hour :). Despite the fact that I'm pretty sure nearly every infertility blog I follow just announced a pregnancy, MBL and I are in the same exact place. The not pregnant place. The ugly crying over another BFN place. I'm on track for a long cycle this month (post failed IVF) as I'm pretty sure I just ovulated on day 22. We went for it and tried naturally this month, but I'm not holding out too much hope. We plan on doing an IUI again next month and I'm still debating whether or not to do clo.mid and injectables or just injectables by themselves. I truly believe that we could conceive via IUI, so we'll just have to see if IUI #3 for baby #2 is the lucky one! As far as an update on where we are with further fertility testing/etc, we got MBL's sperm DNA analysis back and his level was 18%. Normal/excellent fertility potential is 15%, and 15-25% is good/fair/normal fertility potential. So, it looks like that isn't a major hindrance in our quest to have another baby. We also had our post-failed IVF consult with our RE. It was a phone consult due to our geographical differences (we live 4 hours away). I was ready to hear the donor egg speech/suggestion, but he surprised me and said that everything looked good until we got to day five and only had one embie left and even that one embie stood a chance at making a baby. He said my age is a great indicator of my potential and so he doesn't think that donor eggs are necessary unless I prefer someone else's DNA over my own. We talked about the whole three day versus five day thing and we expressed that we might want to do a three day next time as maybe the embies prefer a more "natural" environment. Unsurprisingly, he told us that usually if an embryo fails in the lab it would have never made a baby, but we pointed out that there is no real way to test that (i.e. you can't BOTH test whether the same embryos would develop into a healthy pregnancy from a day three transfer AND see if they would have made it to a blast in the lab) and he essentially agreed. He asked if we would still want to transfer three on day three knowing how hard parenthood is and we gave a wholeheartedly, "YES WE WOULD!!". Piper is an unbelievably easy kid. She goes to bed and sleeps for 12 hours, she adapts to her environment, and she is happy most of the time. Even IF we somehow ended up getting pregnant with triplets from a three embryo transfer on day three, we would be able to handle it because our first kid is so easy. PLUS, we just LOVE being parents. Like LOVE LOVE LOVE it. There is something to be said about having to fight for something you want because I totally treasure being a parent way more than I ever thought possible. I WANT to spend time with my daughter. I treasure every single moment with her and I swear I'm not exaggerating one bit. Especially now that I am a WORKING mom, I treasure those moments even more, even when she is melting down because she got zero naps at daycare. I am amazed at the experience I have been given and plan on doing whatever it takes to be able to do it again. I intended on blogging about Mother's Day on Sunday, but I was too busy sleeping in and enjoying the perfect weather here in Michigan (seriously, it was gorgeous). It was still hard to celebrate a day that is set aside for women that have been able to achieve something that so many others dream of having. Infertility sucks the big one and it still bothers me that so many people ignore the fact that there are a lot of people out there hurting. And even though I have achieved motherhood, the day still stung. We have our precious Piper and she is the light of our lives, but we know we are not done. We want more and fully intend on doing whatever it takes to get there. I keep saying it, but I know it's just a matter of time, I just wish I had a glance into the future to know just how much longer we will have to wait. And just because my mind is still spinning, I'll give a preview of other updates I plan on sharing soon: the VERY generous Mother's Day gift MBL and I received, my found again love for running, balancing TTC with the rest of my life, the guilt I feel for working, losing my desire for genetic connection, and the sacrifices we are making for our family dreams. How are you all doing? How did you handle Mother's Day this year? What is going on in your head?

a second chance

Piper started swim lessons last week. It's just about the cutest thing ever. She loves it and I love being able to spend that time with her. The Y where she is taking the lessons is in view of the hospital in which we had her. Every single time we drive past my heart aches. I haven't been able to put into words why until MBL tagged along for swim lessons last week. I was telling him how I feel about seeing the hospital and he totally got it. See, the thing is that I feel like I was robbed of my whole pregnancy/birth/brand new baby experience. Even though I was pregnant with Piper for 40 weeks and 2 days, I realize now that I NEVER ever thought my experience would end in a live birth. When we got to the hospital and the doctor broke my water and said, "This baby's not on it's way out," I fully assumed that we were going to be faced with awful news. When she came in with the ultrasound machine and pointed out that there was no head where a head should be, I thought that meant my baby had no head. I think that shows just how much I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had a hard time accepting that I could actually get pregnant, carry that pregnancy to term, and then deliver a healthy, live baby. I assumed I would always get bad news (which is probably why I took the news of needing a csection so well, it was the "bad" news I was waiting for). Passing that hospital gives me lots of good memories, but it also makes me yearn for the chance to do it again. I want the opportunity to enjoy pregnancy, to enjoy labor and birth, and to enjoy those first few days with my new baby. I'll be able to better appreciate my pregnancy because I know that it can have a happy ending. I won't spend my days worrying about what could go wrong. I'm hoping I'll be able to enjoy labor/delivery better, too. I feel like I really wasn't present last time and I know that impacted being able to enjoy Piper those first few days. And the fact that I didn't feel present last time around is why I am considering doing a VBAC next time around. Maybe even a med free one. A part of me thinks it would be really helpful for me to be able to experience everything fully. And, who knows, maybe it would help me have a better supply, too. The other shoe keeps dropping this go around, Piper isn't even a year old yet and we already have two negative IUIs and a negative IVF under our belts. I'm just praying we get our good news soon and I'm able to try out all of the above. I keep telling people it's not a matter of "if" but "when" and I hope that when is some time really soon because this journey is exhausting.