Friday, March 11, 2011

what i'm not saying...

I have wanted to make this confession for the past few weeks, but I have been afraid to do so. The reason for my fear? Because it seems totally unfair for me to even be worrying about it, but I am and I feel the need to talk about it here. To be totally honest, for the past 12 weeks, I have absolutely LOVED being pregnant. And each day that I carry this little girl, I love it even more. Yes, I have to pee 3-4 times in the twenty minutes before I lay down for bed. Yes, I have cankles. Yes, I get heartburn. BUT, every time this little girl moves I fall more in love with her. And each time she moves, I can't wait for her to do it again. I LOVE my belly. LOVE IT. I don't think I've ever been so amazed and in love with my body (despite the fatty fat ankles and increasing number on the scale). I am thankful that I love being pregnant because I know there are women out there who find it completely uncomfortable and others whose pregnancies are riddled with complications. I have been incredibly lucky that I am not too uncomfortable and, since week 16, I've been complication free.

All of that is besides the point, really. Because the confession I'm trying to get out? Is that I'm already starting to think/wonder/worry about how we are going to get #2 (and 3&4). I am already thinking about what it will be like to go back to TTC. And, I am already formulating a plan/timeline. And, I don't mean timeline in the sense of, "I'd like to have my kids 2.2 years apart." I mean it in how we will proceed with naturally TTC, IUIs, and IVF. How long we will try each. And I'm already starting to get worried about what the potential cost will be. I have been scared to write about this because I know that so many of you are still waiting for #1 and I'm sure it seems completely egotistical/selfish for me to be thinking about how I will get 2-3 more children when I have already achieved pregnancy once and should just be thankful. I should count the blessing I have been given and not worry about anything else...but, I can't do that. I've always wanted to have 4 kids and I don't think that just because I'm infertile that I should have to give that dream up. If anything, it reminds me of another way that I am different from all the people out there who are able to just have se.x and get pregnant. I have no idea if doing that will ever work out for MBL and I. We did that for 7 months and nothing happened. We did IUIs five times and only got a chemical. I didn't get a sticky bean until our SECOND IVF and 21st month of TTC.

So, I suppose I'm already thinking about #2 because if it takes 21 months to get my BFP again, this little girl will be 2.5 years old. And BFNs are hard (even if I have gotten the elusive BFP once already). As I said at the beginning of this post, I LOVE being pregnant. Adore it, can't wait to do it again (minus the 12 weeks of gagging...but even that seems totally worth it). And it makes me sad to think that getting to be pregnant again may or may not happen. Or, it might only happen one more time (I know, I shouldn't be whining about that). I just calculated our medical expenses from last year and they were...$25,000 and the truth is that I don't know that we can afford to spend $100,000 to achieve our dream family of four children. And the fact that I have to even consider the cost of adding to our family, meaning just the cost to MAKE our children, pisses me off. Why can't I just have free babies? Or a baby that was the price of a bottle of wine? And why am I thinking about this when we could *potentially* afford to do IVF again which is something that so many are unable to consider? And why am I jumping the gun and worrying about this when we may get VERY lucky and get pregnant from se.x or an IUI and not have to worry about this? I'm thinking about TTC again because I love this little girl so much already and I love feeling her grow inside me.

I just wish I were a fertile and could worry about other things. Like, "What would we do if our birth control failed?" Or, "How can we handle 2 under 2?" Or, "Maybe we should get the big V after this one?" But, nope, the worries I have remind me of all that I went through to get here and all that we may have to do to get to this point again.


  1. I grew up with two sisters and can't imagine only having one. My husband used to joke about us having a whole basketball team of kids, but now that we are dealing with infertility, he seems like he'll be content to stop at one. I, on the other hand, am praying for twins. The other thing that I worry about is the genetic connection that our children may or may not have since we are using donor sperm. What if our original donor is sold out or we use up all the reserve-purchased sperm. For today I am setting those worries aside and focusing on the step that we are at currently. I just wanted to let you know that these are totally reasonable and rational thoughts you are having - the kind of thoughts that we all have, even before we get pregnant. Please don't feel guilty, but do go on loving every minute of your pregnancy. :)

  2. I already worry about conceiving #2 and I haven't even conceived #1 yet... you aren't alone :)

  3. Don't feel bad, I'm like eggsandsperm. I haven't gotten #1 and I too worry about #2 and #3 and #4 ;) I want a house full and through all of our 4 IUIs, 2 m/cs and as we gear up for IVF, I'm already trying to figure out how long we should wait before gearing up for #2!