I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I guess when I was TTC I just assumed that when I got pregnant and stayed pregnant past the first trimester that I would be able to let go (somewhat) of my infertile mindset. And what I mean by that is the mindset that made me believe that the chance of me having a real live baby was slim. The mindset that most days caused me to doubt that I would ever get the much desired baby belly. I was just thinking this morning how I still can't believe I got a positive pee stick, I nearly pulled out the bag containing the 16 I took during IVF #2 just to remind myself that I did indeed get two lines. I got those first two lines on September 9, 2010 and, yet, I sit here on January 25, 2011 still in shock and disbelief. How is that normal?? When we first found out, I was ecstatic, but I kept myself guarded just in case. I kept thinking that I would be able to exhale once we reached the second trimester. Nope. I sort of expected a miraculous feeling of "this will happen" to pop into my mind. Even after seeing her on the ultrasound at 15 weeks it still did not feel real. When we went back to my parents and had the "gender reveal" it still just felt like a dream. I even hesitated letting the photographer take pictures of us with our "it's a girl" balloon because I just didn't accept that I had reason to be holding such a message.
I figured I would snap out of my post infertility daze once I started feeling her move on a consistent basis. THEN it would all be real, right? Well...just to make things more complicated, I have an anterior placenta. Now that I know what that means, I think that all infertiles should be given the gift of a posterior placenta. I have tried to remain patient while waiting for consistent movement, but after our most recent ultrasound showed a bouncing baby, I just felt robbed. I was 21 weeks and didn't feel any of it!!! Even now, at 23 weeks and officially 6 months pregnant, I only feel her a few times a day. Let's just say that not being able to feel her movements has only furthered my infertile mindset of disbelief. I may be able to say the words, "I'm having a baby", but I don't know how much I believe them. I still check the tp each and every time I go to the bathroom, assuming that I will find spotting or loads of clear fluid. When I asked the OB about my cervical length I *wanted* to hear that it was over 5cm, but I kind of assumed it would be shorter so that I could obsess over the "what ifs". Instead it was 5.2 cm, plenty long enough and nothing to worry over.
So why am I unable to let go? I have done the research and with my age and health history, I have a 99.7% chance of actually having a baby in May. So, why don't I believe it? Why am I unable to wrap my mind around the fact that in less than four months MBL and I will go from being a family of two to a family of three? I guess part of me is kind of worried that I am still unable to picture having a child in our house. It worries me because I feel like I am not bonding as much as I should with this baby. I should be nesting and prepping and reading up on what to do before baby comes, but I just can't let go of my infertile self. I guess two years of disappointment makes it hard to think that what I dreamed of happening might actually happen. I just hope that reality comes and smacks me in the face soon because there is a lot to be done and, also, I'd kind of like to spend the last few months of this pregnancy relishing in my belly and the wondrous gift that I've been given. I just wish someone would have warned me that being pregnant after infertility would mess with my mind just as much as infertility itself did.
(p.s. I am in no way complaining...I just pictured everything being/feeling different and I needed to get these odd emotions off of my chest)