worrywart

I have a confession. I am a worrywart. Now this does not normally interfere with my every day activities, but due to the current season (brutal winter), I find myself concerned about each thing I do. For example, I am finishing up my internship in school counseling and I literally live right across the street from my placement. It's perfect because it means that I do not have to drive icy roads to get there. BUT, I still have to park and walk into the building and as much as they try to keep the parking lot and sidewalks clear, they can still be quite slippery. Normally a one minute walk from my car to a building wouldn't make me think twice, but due to my current condition, I spend the whole walk praying that I make it into the building without falling. I realize that this sounds like I am bordering on becoming a hermit, but I promise it's not that bad. I guess I just realize that the worst case scenario is always a possibility. I know that I could fall on my way into my internship and that doing so could cause my water to break or a placental tear or pre-term labor and now that I am so close (and yet so far) from holding this baby in my arms, I am freaked out that something is going to happen.

To help you understand why I think this way, I need to go back about 5.5 years. When I was in college I spent every summer working at a camp with 4th-6th graders. In July of 2005 I was working as a lifeguard at the camp, but one Friday I got special permission to leave early so that I could meet up with my family. I was able to leave camp on time and I headed south towards my family. I made it to the main highway, merged on, and then was passing a truck when my car started to shake uncontrollably. I knew that I needed to pull over immediately so I started to slow down when all of a sudden I loss all control of my car**. The semi I had nearly passed was now directly beside me and when I looked up I realized the front of my car was facing the side of the truck. I hit the side of the truck and then flipped three times on the highway. That accident changed my life forever. It was the kind of accident where I should have died, not many people survive hitting a semi and flipping three times on the highway. I knew that I was lucky to be alive after that, but the accident left me with more than a deep appreciation for the life I had been given. It left me with the understanding that even when we think we know what is going to happen, even when everything looks perfect, the unexpected can happen.

In light of what happened to me 5.5 years ago, I know that I cannot just walk through each day expecting it to go as it normally would. And while I don't want my worries to paralyze me, I still need to approach each day with caution. I can't just walk across a snowy/icy parking lot without considering what could happen if I were to lose my balance or footing. I also can't let MBL drive to work and just assume that he will make it there and back safely, instead I have to remind him every time he leaves the house to drive safely. He doesn't totally get it. He thinks I'm just being paranoid. But I know how special it is that I am pregnant and I will do just about anything to protect myself and this little girl inside of me. Because while I may not always be able to predict the outcome of each day, I can do everything in my power to make it through safely. So, when the blizzard hit us I made up my mind that neither MBL nor I would be taking any unnecessary risks. I arranged with work to have someone else cover my shift on Wednesday and made MBL stay home. I had a snow day from my internship on both Wednesday and Thursday, but I was supposed to help out at a training Thursday night. Well, according to the local news the roads were still icy on Thursday and the training was 25 minutes from my house. So, I made the decision that it was not worth it to me to drive all that way, on less than ideal roads, just to help out with the training. The training coordinator gave me a less than understanding response, to my email all she had to say was: :/. An emoticon that suggested she disproved of my decision. I was furious!! While I totally believe in following through on commitments, I do not believe in risking my life to fulfill them. And for me driving there would have been just that, taking an unnecessary risk. And ever since her email I have felt the need to defend my choice. Thanks for listening/reading so I could do just that :).

**I should note that the accident happened on a completely dry, summer day. After investigation it was discovered that the tires were faulty and the tread had actually separated from the tire, something that should not happen. There was absolutely no way I could have done anything to avoid it happening which makes it all the more scary...