A weighty issue.

So, I have been churning over ideas for a blog entry in my mind the last few days. It's funny because at times I'll have several ideas for posts swirling around but when it comes time to actually put my fingers to the keyboard, I feel lost. There has been one thing, though, that has really made me feel uneasy. I feel a little uncomfortable even writing about it here, but since I use this blog both as a public forum for my struggle with infertility and as a personal account of this journey, I feel that I need to include it. That being said, I won't judge you if you begin to read this post and decide that it would be best if you skipped it :).

What is the big (but, really in the grand scheme of things, little) issue? Weight. GAH! I guess before I go into my current situation I should give a little background. Back when I got married, I was at a healthy weight and led a healthy lifestyle. I even ran and ate (mostly) sensibly on our honeymoon. I know I've posted about it before, but I used to be a runner. I put in an average of 4 miles a day 4-5 times a week. I felt good. Now, I am by no means a skinny minnie. My body just isn't built to be 115 pounds, but on my wedding day I was at a weight that worked well for me. Fast forward to our one year anniversary and I had gained 6 pounds. Not bad considering all the rounds of clo.mid and the meds for IVF that I put in my body. (Of course, at the time, I was *very* concerned about those 6 pounds). After our failed IVF I basically fell into a kind of infertile sadness coma. I think of last winter and I'm impressed I made it through in one piece! Even though I was not on fertility meds in January, February, or March; I did not get back into my routine of running most days of the week. I still worked out, but not at the same level I was prior to all of the infertility junk. I started getting more serious about losing weight/getting in shape after MBL's varicocele surgery because I knew it would (hopefully) be my last chance before we dove back into fertility treatments head first. I worked out diligently, alternating Ta.e Bo with running/walking most days and I ate healthily. But, by the time we were back to Cl.omid plus IUIs I hadn't lost any weight, I had actually gained an additional four pounds. That's TEN pounds gained since I got married! I went to my primary care doctor quite concerned. She assured me that even at my current weight if I got pregnant she would still want me to put on 25 pounds. I figured if my doc thought that my body was doing all right, then I shouldn't fret about it. So, I didn't and I remained at that weight until July when we started IVF #2. And that's when it all went to the crapper.

We were on vacation when I started lup.ron, but I still kept walking and monitoring my intake. By the time we got back home I was up 4 pounds. Stupid lup.ron. I took it in stride and just kept walking and eating well. Then I had to add the actually egg making drugs to the mix and my body decided it needed even more padding and I put on another 3 pounds before transfer. During the two week wait I didn't do any working out because I didn't want to question what I could have done differently if it failed. When we got our BFP I was elated!! I went back to walking. Then I started spotting. Back to not walking/working out. My OB told me I need to wait until the spotting had stopped for two weeks before I could resume exercise. After the spotting subsided (at 9.5 weeks) I was so freaked out that getting back into the swing of things just wasn't happening, but my weight seemed to be staying the same. From the start of my pregnancy to my 18 week appointment I only put on 3.5 pounds. So, why am I freaked out? Because those 3.5 pounds put me at ten pounds over the weight I was in June...the weight I was at when the doc said she would still recommend I put on 25 pounds. AND? In the last week I have put on another 3.5 pounds. Which means that technically I have now put on FOURTEEN pounds since that appointment!! Which would leave only 11 pounds for the next twenty weeks. Arg.

Now like I said at the start, I am not a naturally thin person. When I am in shape and eat well I wear a size 6-8, but I have to work to get in those sizes. I am not someone for whom losing weight comes easily and I try not to make it a focus in my life, but being healthy is definitely always a priority. And I don't feel like putting on more than 10-15 more pounds in this pregnancy would be healthy. Plus, I'm already struggling with feeling like MBL is unattracted to me (this is actually one of the biggest things) and I have to admit that it's not just my belly that has put on extra padding. Finally, I know that being at a good weight and in good shape when I deliver will not only help the birthing process, but also my recovery after. It's important for the baby's health as well!

How am I going to change things? Well, for starters, I looked up what kind of exercise is acceptable/recommended during pregnancy. Apparently walking is one of the best things to do and they recommend putting in 2 miles most days. I have a treadmill so I can do that, I just have to get in the habit again. I also went online and purchased two prenatal workout DVDs that are 20 minutes each. I plan on starting those up in the next week as well. I can't really do much about my diet because I already do my best to pick healthy meal options. I am eating more fruit and veggies than I did in the first trimester, but that's more because I know they are good for me...they don't really fill me up. I read that by the time I feel hungry the baby has already felt that way for a while, so I really need to keep up with small meals and snacks that keep me full for more than 45 minutes.

This issue just brings up so many feelings from infertility because before all this started I was at a good weight. Two years of IF treatment and medication has really affected my body and I'm now only 2 pounds away from what my "goal" pregnancy weight would have been if I had gotten pregnant in our first few months of trying. I just feel like IF has robbed me of so much, included this. Maybe that's silly and maybe I should just shut up, but I really felt like I needed to process all of this and get it out there. But, don't worry, I promise not to bring this topic up too much!