one year later...

This date last year MBL and I nervously made our way to our RE's office for our egg retrieval for IVF #1. We were full of anticipation and excitement over what we were convinced would be our successful cycle (we were given a 70% chance of it working). We arrived early and actually beat all but one of the staff to the office. We ended up having to wait quite a bit and all the waiting only made me more anxious! I waited in the waiting room while MBL went off to give his sample. The retrieval went fairly well...the only thing I didn't particularly love was that the RE only uses "twilight" sedation (ver.sed) for his retrievals. So, I definitely felt part of it and let me just say that feeling a huge needle as it is lunged into your ovary is no fun. (the RE from our most recent cycle is my favorite because he uses real anaesthesia for his retrievals and the procedure room is all warm and toasty). After the retrieval, MBL and I went home and carried about our day as if what we were going through was no big deal. The next day we got the news that out of the 17 eggs retrieved, only 7 were mature and 6 fertilized with ICSI. It was not the news we were hoping for...but I shed a few tears and then decided 6 embies were better than none. When we went in the next day for our day two transfer, we were told that of our 6 embies only 3 remained. The doc was not willing to transfer more than two because he was convinced they were all going to stick and so he transferred two perfect four celled, non fragmented embryos and froze the remaining one. We waited the requisite one hour in recovery...MBL rubbed my feet and kissed my face and we smiled at the thought of our embryos snuggling in for the next nine months. On the way home he picked me up Chipo.tle (YUM!) and then I snuggled into our bed for the recommended bed rest with an armory of movies. After two days of bed rest we packed up our car and headed to Chic.ago for Christmas festivities. At my family Christmas party my (nosey) cousin asked me if MBL and were trying to have kids and I just smiled and said, "We would love to have kids!" all while imagining that I was pregnant at that very moment. Christmas was magical as MBL and I got to spend time with family and get to know my new nephews! On our anniversary we talked about what might be and how amazing it would be to have a baby in 2010. Our beta was scheduled for 12dpo (New Years Eve) and MBL and I were out running last minute errands when we finally got the news from the REs office that our beta was negative. I cried and cried and cried. I then proceeded to eat myself into oblivion until I collapsed into bed at 9pm. Happy freakin' new year is all I could think.

Now? One year later? I could just cry thinking of how different things are this year. Today did indeed involve ovarian pain, but it was not from a giant needle, instead it is being caused by the baby in my belly who thinks that laying right on top of my (swollen) ovaries is oh so fun. I will not spend my family Christmas distracted by thoughts of dividing embryos, instead I will reflect on what I wanted so badly last year and what I am so flippin' lucky to have this year. I will probably cry on Christmas and on our anniversary (which is just two days later) remembering all the emotions of last season. I just cannot believe it has already been a year and that what I dreamed would happen in 2010 actually did happen. I cannot believe that IVF actually works. Mostly I cannot believe that in the new year MBL and I will have a teeny tiny baby to put in the teeny tiny baby clothes we are slowly accumulating. While I would not wish infertility on anyone and while I wholeheartedly wish it did not exist, because of where I am now (temporarily off the IF rollercoaster), I can honestly say that I do not know that I would have appreciated every little thing about this pregnancy if it weren't for all that we went through to get here. There are nights where MBL and I are just in awe of the bump I am sporting and all we can muster is, "Can you believe there's a baby in there?" No, we cannot believe it. And, no, we cannot believe that we are actually going to get to be parents. It's something so many people take for granted, and yet, because of what we have gone through, I am sure that every little thing will leave us dumbfounded, amazed, and grateful.

I hope that the new year brings all of you exactly what you are wishing for and that your 2011 is better and brighter than your 2010!

**I should note that this time last year was not all doom and gloom due in large part to the fact that my sister and brother in law brought my nephews home from Rw.anda. I had no idea I could love another person as much as I love them. They are so amazing and I am so excited that our baby will get to grow up with them! MBL and I feel very lucky to be their aunt and uncle!