planning for our future...

This post could also be titled "why my husband thinks I'm a total nut."  The hubs has been traveling A LOT for work.  This means that the only time I really get to talk to him is on the weekends when he is home.  This can be very challenging as he has ADHD (like for real) and gets easily distracted by just about anything around him.  So, when we had 4 hours in the car together on Saturday, I decided to take advantage and talk to him about everything I had been thinking about.  One of the biggest things I wanted to discuss is our future plans for more children.  29 weeks pregnant and already thinking about what will come next...

When we finally got pregnant and stayed pregnant with Piper, we knew we wanted more kids and were totally open to pursuing fertility treatments again.  Piper was an easy baby and once I got passed the initial mind numbing exhaustion, we set up a timeline for when we would try again.  My OB said not to get pregnant before Piper was 6 months old.  I weaned Piper right around 6 months and we went back to our RE the next month.  I was told that my AMH and AFC both suggest declining fertility and that we really shouldn't take the wait and see approach.  We took that advice to heart and pursued 2 IUIs and an IVF before taking a break from treatments.  Then we flew to CC.RM and my "diagnosis" was confirmed--I don't have the fertility of a 20 something!  And then we got pregnant.  Without treatments. 

To be honest, after having Piper, I was TERRIFIED that I would never get to be pregnant again.  I LOVED being pregnant (for the most part) and just couldn't imagine that I would only get to do it once.  I actually spent a lot of last spring reminiscing about where I had been the year prior (very pregnant).  And then I finally got back into running more seriously and it was awesome having a body that was all mine.  The fact that I started being able to fit back into size 6 or 8 pants didn't hurt either.  After years of fertility treatments, I was able to feel good about myself.  It was hard to imagine having to go through treatments and pregnancy again.  I was getting up at 7am on Saturdays to run 10 miles for fun, something I couldn't do while taking shots and transferring embryos.  And I just felt good both mentally and physically.  Such a stark contrast from how fertility medications make me feel (fat, cranky, and bloated).  Due to how I got pregnant this time around, I felt a lot more confident about letting go of the anxieties I had with Piper.  I mean, I had run 10 miles the day before I got my positive test...  If that didn't "shake" the embryo off, then why would it once I had rising betas and good ultrasounds?  I'm 29 weeks pregnant and still running 15-20 miles a week.  And it's made a huge difference!  I have hardly gotten sick despite MBL and Piper taking turns with head colds and I still have loads of energy!

How does this relate to what our plans for the future are?  Well, the fact that I know now how different a "natural" pregnancy and an ART achieved pregnancy look and feel like, I'm just not sure that I ever want to pursue IVF again.  And, yes, something in our minds has totally changed now that we know it's possible to get pregnant on our own.  I brought this up to MBL during our driving time on Saturday and he is totally against ever doing IVF again.  I think the biggest deterrent for him is the cost, but also the fact that he thinks that because we've gotten pregnant on our own once, we should be able to do so again.  I wanted to talk about this now so that he knows my expectations for the future.  And those are that I want #3.  I know this sounds so very greedy, but I always knew I wouldn't want to stop at 2.  I also know that I want to be done having babies by the time MBL is 40, which is in 4 years.  I told MBL that the bottom line is that I want to "pursue" having a third child.  I may even want a fourth child, but all I wanted was a verbal agreement that he will be open to doing clomi.d/IUIs, if needed, in order to get pregnant with #3.  I also added that if we somehow got IF coverage, then I may even want to consider IVF again if all other options had been exhausted.  He mumbled something that sounded like "maybe". 

So, that's our plan.  No more IVF for us.  I'm planning on BFing this little one until he's at least 6 months and at that point I may wean so that we can start trying again (I don't ovulate while nursing).  Or, I may decide that I like fitting in my pants a little too much and that waiting to ride the TTC rollercoaster again is a better option for our family.  I'm pretty sure that there is at least clo.mid in my future, but I guess we'll see!

How do you think you'll know that you're "done" growing your family?
Did you ever reach a point where you felt done pursuing fertility treatments?
Do you feel like you are on a timeline at all?

the picture of perfection

On Monday, MBL and I became the very gleeful owners of a new (to us) minivan.  I've been wanting one for years now and we are finally at a place where it makes sense to purchase one.  The one we got is glorious.  After much debate and research we ended up with this one:

Only ours is black.  It's an IIHS top safety pick and if we were to ever get in a crash it basically explodes in cushions around you.  Buying this van felt weird.  For the last few months I have felt very uncomfortable about how people perceive our family.  You see, I get asked about my pregnancy a lot.  Which is so sweet and people really are just trying to be nice/polite/make conversation, but it almost always turns into talking about how perfect it is that I have a girl and now I'm having a boy and the fact that they'll be the "perfect" 2 years apart.  And now I have the perfect family car--a minivan--all I'm missing is the white picket fence!  Or rather the nice, new, larger house that I have been eyeing for months now.

I walk around with this perfect belly that measures just perfectly on and I feel like people look at me and just assume that everything is just "perfect".  While it is incredibly flattering to look like I have it all together, I want to explode in confessions every time someone makes a comment about how having a boy and a girl is perfect or about how it looks like everything is going well for us.  When people ask about what our plans for the future are, I always have to preface them by saying that we weren't planning on getting pregnant this year, which is completely true and yet sounds completely crazy as we were timing things and seeing doctors and contemplating IVF #4 at THE fertility clinic.  One of the teachers that works here had a late miscarriage (she was due a month after me) and every time I have to pass her in the hallway, I want to pull her aside and just confess everything.  I want to apologize for having to be pregnant right in her face.  I feel awful walking around with my belly.  Heck, one of the first events I had to attend for my current position involved going to a picnic where they made a big deal over the pregnant ladies getting to eat first.  I had just been to Colorado where my decreasing fertility was confirmed and we were looking at having to rob a bank in order to finance pursuing IVF again (not really, but there was no way we could afford to do things on my timeline).  I doubt the DJ at the event could have possibly understood how much that stung.

I don't know why the idea of perfection is bothering me so much, I *know* I'm not perfect, but I still feel uncomfortable having people look at me as anything other than a completely flawed human being.  Maybe it's because I work as a counselor and I want my students to see that the world can fall down around you and you can still be okay.  Or maybe it's because I think we are able to grow the most in our relationships with other people when we are completely honest with where we've been and the mistakes we've made.  Maybe it's because I've felt a lot of pressure from other people who seem to be perfect to me.  I remember my first year of marriage being just one level up from unbearable.  MBL had been single for so long that living with another person and sharing everything with them was super difficult.  We got in a lot of fights, we yelled at each other a lot, and there was definitely a time or two that I wondered if we had made the right choice.  All along there was my "perfect" cousin who chirped about how the first year of marriage was so easy and so wonderful and I just couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong.  And now MBL and I very happily married.  We went through total crap last year and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but we are on our way up and out and I know life can only get better and sweeter from here.  I saw this quote yesterday and couldn't help but think about how perfectly it fit our situation:

And maybe that is why I struggle with even looking anywhere close to having it together.  I want to share with people that I just don't.  I have crap fertility.  MBL and I sometimes yell at each other.  I sometimes get very frustrated with Piper.  I don't floss.  I don't always get up in time to work out.  I have graduate school loans and a car payment.  I sometimes feed my child Peeps.  My point is, that when people tell me how lucky I am I want them to know how much I've been through, how much I've struggled, just in case they've struggled too.  Just in case they're struggling right then and need to know they're not the only one.  I would love to have amazing fertility and stay home and be the "perfect" parent/wife/domestic diva, but those things aren't a reality for me and I think that just makes me appreciate what I have all the more.  It's because of what I have gone through that I appreciate what I have now even more!  It's because MBL and I went to h.e.ll and back last year that I can look him in the eyes and know that he is my one and only.  It's because of my infertility that I can look at Piper with incredible wonder and awe--this little girl is MINE, she's here after all of that!  I just wish there was a more succinct way to let people know that my life isn't so perfect, but it is pretty darn wonderful.  For now I'll just continue to smile and nod and search for the white picket fence to really seal the deal ;).




Have you ever felt the pressure from other people to be "perfect"? 
Do you ever find yourself looking at what other people have and feeling like they must have it all together?  Do you feel like you've learned the most from the hard times you've gone through? 
And, did anyone else out there have a tough first year of marriage?

the best thing I ever pursued...

I had a snow day again last Friday which meant a three day weekend for me!  It could not have come at a better time as it allowed me to get a ton done around the house as well as eek in a 5 mile run.  It also allowed me to have some much needed time with Piper.  We took Valentine's Day pictures and had a lot of fun playing (until after her nap when she decided to be a needy, needy grouch pants, but I digress...).  Spending that time with her really got me thinking about all it took to bring her here.  All of a sudden I was flashing back to my days of clo.mid induced hysteria where I would just cry and cry over my fear of never being able to have babies.  Or rather, my fear of never becoming a parent.

When I think back to when we were in the midst of months of medications and treatments and surgeries, I'm more than a little impressed that we survived it all.  I think of going through IUI and IVF cycles.  Needing to constantly drive across town for blood tests and ultrasounds, praying that whatever we were doing differently that cycle would be the key to getting pregnant.  We would stare at the follicles on the screen and be so filled with hope.  Surely with 2-3 follicles we would get pregnant!  Surely with 17 eggs retrieved we would get pregnant!  We faced so many BFNs, so many failed cycles.  I knew I wanted to experience pregnancy, but I never was 100% sure that it would actually happen for us.  I remember being 9 months pregnant and contemplating peeing on a pregnancy test just to see those 2 pink lines again.  I wasn't sure that I would ever get to be pregnant again and I wanted the positive test to be mine one last time.  Waiting on those pink lines was something I had done for so long that even when I was literally on the verge of giving birth, I still found it hard to believe that it had actually happened for us.

But here's the one thing I know to be true above all else from our infertility journey: Piper is the best thing I ever pursued.  Last night I went to put her down for bed and we have a ritual of me singing to her and rocking her for 2-3 minutes before tucking her in.  And as I stood there swaying back and forth, with her arms tightly around my neck and her legs swung over the sides of my burgeoning belly, I was overwhelmed with gratitude.  Becoming parents was not an easy task for us, but I am so glad we persevered and pursued this incredible journey.  I tell MBL near daily that Piper is the best part of every day and she really is.  Despite the tantrums and messes and chaos that having a small child creates, being a parent is the most incredible thing I've ever done.

I mean just look at this little cutie:

She's using the cord from our heating pad to listen to the baby in her belly!  So cute!

And then a nice little cheese for the camera!

I'm beyond thankful for that little girl!

If you went through IF, did you struggle to believe that it would ever happen for you?  Did you ever want to "give up"?  What helped you keep going?

the countdown: 100 days to go!

We're here.  The magical place where the countdown to baby gets to enter the double digits.  Today marks 152 days of pregnancy and only 100 left to go (give or take a few).  Last time this milestone seemed so significant, I'm not sure why, but it motivated to me to write about it again this time around.  You can visit my blog post about hitting 100 days with Piper by clicking here.

Apparently at this point in our pregnancy with Piper, we had already picked her name!  This poor little guy has not been named yet.  We have a short list of 3 names that we really like, but I'm not 100% on any of them, so he's just "baby" for now.  I think my goal will to have him named by 32 weeks, which is only 6 weeks away!  I guess we'll see how that goes.

When I got to this point with Piper I remember feeling SO overwhelmed with all we had left to do.  This time around, I'm not really worried.  Part of the reason I'm more laid back is that we will be delivering out of state and living with my parents for a while post baby (and, yes, I swear to write more about this decision soon).  There is no nursery to set up as he will be sleeping with us (in a rock n play) for the first few months.  We have all the baby things we could possibly need and so there's no looming list of what we need to buy.  I do want to get a double stroller still, but I know which one I want and now I'm just waiting on a good deal.

Now, we do have a lot to do that would likely be easier to accomplish prior to adding another little one...  In the next few (6 or so) months, we have a condo and a house to sell and both have projects that need to be completed.  The condo is less complex as it just needs laminate flooring--which MBL has already laid most of--and paint, which we are hoping to pay someone to do.  The projects there can easily be completed during the work week and over 2-3 weekends.  Our house, however, is still the biggest cause of anxiety in my life.  I want it sold.  I want to move into a nice, new house with carpet and plenty of bedrooms and a master bedroom with attached bath.  Our goal is to get our house on the market by August/September.  We still have rooms that need trim, a basement that needs to be finished, a full bath to complete, and lots of painting.  I really want to just hire someone to finish the basement as I feel like that will help us get the house on the market sooner.  I hate feeling like we're not in our permanent home.  Yes, both places are comfy and cozy and have heat/running water, but I want to be in our house.  I just want to have a place where my kids can play and roam freely without worrying about tools/screws/sawdust all over the place!!

So... 14 weekends left until my due date.  Approximately 42 work days.  Out of those 14 weekends, we already have plans for 5 of them.  Here's hoping we can get LOADS of work done before this little guy comes into our lives!

Do you have lots of house projects left undone at your house?  What kind of house work do you try to get done during the week/on the weekends?  Are you in your dream/forever home?

honestly? i'm a little scared...

I'm not a morning person.  It seems like no matter how much sleep I get, I am still tired.  It takes some coaxing, but somehow I manage to get up and out of bed for an early morning (5:30am) run most days of the week.  But, I go to bed at 9:30 so that I still get my much needed 8 hours of sleep.  Where is this conversation going?  Well, I'm a bit scared about how much my life is going to change.  Now that I know how much work a newborn takes, I'm even more scared than I was the first time around.  And, mostly, I'm scared about how tired I am going to be.  And I'm scared about how much this little guy is or isn't going to sleep.  And how will I ever manage TWO?  Here are just a few things I'm scared of this time around...

In the early days of having Piper home, I was actually surprised at how good I felt.  Piper was a sleeper from day one and when we brought her home, she was already doing a 4-6 hour stretch at night.  Well, when we found out that she wasn't gaining weight fast enough, those stretches had to end as I tried to increase my supply and we tried to get her fat!  And even though we gave up exclusive breastfeeding at 2 weeks old (in favor of exclusive pumping and formula supplementation) and were able to "allow" Piper those 4 hour stretches, I was still exhausted!  I vividly remember being at a restaurant with my parents when Piper was 4 weeks old and feeling like I was going to die from being tired.  I'm really not looking forward to that feeling again.

Speaking of breastfeeding, I'm also a little worried about how well that will or will not go this time around.  With Piper, both MBL and I were very committed to giving her breast milk and not "ruining" her by giving her formula.  Everyone out there told me if I gave my child formula she would be fat and stupid, so I really wanted to make sure we avoided it.  Piper was a lazy eater.  She fell asleep every single time it was time to eat.  It didn't matter if she was naked and we were dowsing her in cold water, she just loved to fall asleep while eating.  That fact, coupled with a high palate, led to us having a very frustrating BFing relationship.  My supply tanked and I was told to feed more, pump more, drink more.  I did it all and took Reg.lan and fenu.greek until I smelled like syrup.  It didn't matter.  Our lactation consultant finally gave me what I needed--permission to supplement with formula because I had done all I could.  I cried.  I remember telling MBL that I knew it wouldn't matter when Piper was going into kindergarten that she had 60-70% breast milk and 30-40% formula, but it seemed like a very big deal at the time.  I'm not looking forward to that again.  I pumped for Piper for 6 months and it was SO worth it, but so hard to spend 2 hours a day just pumping.  I'm hoping that things will be different this time around, but I'm also trying to prepare myself for another long term relationship with my pump.  Blech.

Another thing that was tough last time around was how LONG the days seemed when Piper was itty bitty.  I would literally count down the hours until it was bedtime, which always seemed to come too early as it was summer and still light outside when I would go to bed.  In those early days I was so consumed with making sure I did everything right, that I know I exhausted myself more than necessary.  This time around, I'm a little worried that the days will once again seem long because I won't be able to cat nap if I need to.  I won't just have a sleepy little newborn, I'll also have my vibrant toddler!  Where in the heck will I find the energy to play with Piper on such little sleep?  Will I be able to feel rested enough to enjoy those early days?  Now that I know just how fast it goes, I want to treasure snuggling my newborn, but the realistic part of me wonders if it will all go down in a haze because of the exhaustion.  Oof.

 

Finally, I'm a little worried about how I will ever get out of the house with TWO little kiddos.  And if I do manage to get out of the house and to the grocery store, then where will I put the groceries?  If I have two kids, one of whom will be in the carseat, then how will I ever have room for what I need to buy?  I got out of the house with Piper LOTS in her first few weeks.  We took a road trip to Chi.cago when she was 3 weeks old and it was easy.  I brought her to meet my coworkers when she was just 6 days old.  I relished getting out of the house with her.  We went to Tar.get lots, just to wander and look at things.  I would take my time shopping, knowing that if I needed to feed her I could just go to their cafe and have a popcorn/diet coke while she ate.  I'm sure that won't happen with two kids.  I mean, the baby will probably be easy to pacify, but Piper won't be.  And will it really take me 2 hours to get out of the house?  I read some blogs from parents of more than one and several mention just how hard it is to get out of the house.  I mean, I know going anywhere with little ones takes preparation, but am I really looking at packing the diaper bag for two hours?

I know I am so incredibly lucky that MBL and I get to add to our family.  And, I know deep down that we will get through the early newborn days yet again, but part of me is really dreading the "getting through them" part.  We are in such a good rhythm with Piper, that I don't want to feel like I'm wishing the days away because they are good, but oh so hard.

Do you find two children much more work than 1?  What's your biggest challenge?  Any advice?  Want to remind me how fun and cute newborns are :)?

why snow days are hard.

I work for a school as a school counselor and I live in Mich.igan.  The combination of these two facts mean that occassionally I get paid to stay at home due to inclement weather.  Those early morning texts are always nice to receive as it means I can turn off my alarm and go back to bed until Piper wakes me up.  They also mean a day at home with my girl where we can run errands together, play, and just enjoy a nice, relaxing day at home.  Last week that text meant I could push back my daily run from 5:30am to 8am and that I could go an extra mile.  Just something little that was so good for me.

Today was another snow day.  When I first heard rumors that we might end up getting one last night, I immediately started praying that the weather would be bad enough for it to happen.  I spent Saturday in bed with some sort of virus and so I felt like I got jipped out of one day of my weekend.  Getting today off meant that I still got two full days of being able to finish projects around the house and play with my girl.  It also meant that I could run to the doctor for an antibiotic for the sinus infection I've been fighting without misisng work or family time.

So, it sounds like I love snow days, right?  Well, I do!  Who wouldn't like being paid to be at home?  The downside is that snow days are hard on me emotionally.  I know I sound a bit dramatic, but it's the truth.  I have worked in some capacity outside of the home since Piper was 3 months old.  At first I just worked two days a week and it was pretty easy peasy.  When an opportunity to move to full time opened up last April, I took it because we were facing having to do IVF cycles and my income would help us afford that.  We were hoping that I would get pregnant from that cycle and my full time employment would be temporary (lasting only 8 months).  Well, MBL lost his job and I accepted a new one and somehow I have now been working full time outside of the home for 10 months.  When MBL was offered his new job, I immediately started dreaming about quitting my job.  Don't get me wrong, I actually love what I do, but I love staying at home more.  I want to be the one playing with my daughter.  I want to provide for my family by caring for my child and taking care of our home (cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc).  When it came down to it, however, it seemed really unfair for me to leave my job in the middle of the school year.  And if I stay until my doc writes me off for STD (I'm hoping for 37 weeks!), then I will get paid until August.  And considering we are looking at having to purchase two new cars and a new house in the next year, that income will definitely be put to good use!

Basically, I'm counting down the days until I will be a SAHM again.  As of today it was going to be 47 work days, so I guess it's 46!  I know that being a SAHM is a lot of work, but days like this remind me of all the rewards that come with it.  I love just watching Piper play and learn new things.  She seriously amazes me!  So, while I love having an extra day at home, snow days are hard because it reminds me of what I'm missing at home when I'm at work and that's a tough reminder.

Does your job give you snow days?  What kind of weather are you experiencing right now?  What did you use to do on snow days as a kid?

where my babies came from...

I am writing this post as a part of the PAIL monthly theme post.  The topic for this month is "where do babies come from?" 

I've got to say that I'm pretty excited to be writing about this topic as it's something I've given a lot of thought to.  To be honest, when we were TTC Piper, I didn't put a whole lot of thought into whether or not HOW she came into this world would impact her.  I never planned on keeping it a secret, but I also didn't go into fits of panic worrying about whether or not this would harm her psychologically.  The truth is, that as a Psych major with an MA in Counseling, I don't really think that her conception will play a huge role in her mental well being.  Piper was made in a petri dish.  So what?  Actually, when I was pregnant, Mel highlighted a book all about ART.  When I saw it I knew I wanted to have it to read to our daughter:

I cried as I read the pages.  Creating Piper was an incredible process.  I didn't just walk into a doctor's office alone and walk out pregnant.  MBL and I went through months of treatment, months of heartache and through it all we stood by each other.  The process of getting pregnant was very emotional and it definitely brought us closer together.  My husband gave me most of my shots and came to each and every one of my appointments, even if it was just a follicle ultrasound or blood work.  He was there to hold my hand.  I look back now and realize that it really was a beautiful process.  When we got the call that we were finally pregnant, we were both elated!!  After 21 months our dreams of building our family were going to come true.  When we were preparing for labor/childbirth, I knew that MBL was going to be an awesome support for me because he had already seen me through needles, blood work, IVF retrieval, IVF transfer, 20 BFNs, and rounds and rounds of medication.  I knew that because of what we went through both emotionally and physically to get pregnant, that actually having the baby would be a walk in the park.  I mean at least we knew that the pain could only last so long!!  (unlike IF where it feels like the pain might just last forever).  I boldly share Piper's story because I am PROUD of what we went through.  We were suffering from the disease of infertility and we overcame it.  We desperately wanted to add a child to our family and IVF allowed us to make that dream a reality.  So, yes, MBL and I plan on explaining to Piper just how she came to be.  Mommy and Daddy wanted a baby and a nice doctor with gray hair helped them have YOU!  How special for her that she was so wanted, so loved even before we knew who she was! 

As for her brother?  His story won't be near as exciting.  He wasn't made in a petri dish and it didn't take any special medication to make him.  He is absolutely wanted and already loved beyond words, but I think Piper's story seems a lot more special.  Hopefully he doesn't get a complex about being "homegrown".

I do think that the stories about our children's creation will help them have a better understanding of how families are built and hopefully allow them to be open-minded, thoughtful people.  They will learn that families come in all shapes and sizes and are built in many different ways and that's a BEAUTIFUL thing!  I'm glad that our journey, our story will help them gain that important life lesson.

How do you plan on answering the question "where do babies come from?", even if all of yours are homegrown?  If you used ART or adopted your children, do you plan on sharing that specific story with them?  If so, how?