October ICLW

I signed up for ICLW this month, but then totally dropped off the face of the planet. We were at our other house (no, we're really not that fancy) this past weekend and we don't have internet there any more. For whatever reason, I assumed I would still be able to get online and read blogs/comment/update, but things didn't work out like that. So, here I am, 4 days into it and I'm just now getting around to updating and commenting. Better late than never, right :)? I figured I would go the easy route on this post and just do a little about myself, almost a get to know you combined with a bit of my bucket list. I'm hoping to get to know some of you better as well!

Here goes...

My name is Christine.
I just turned 27 on Sunday.
My husband I struggled through infertility for 21 months before IVF #2 gave us both a BFP and a take home baby.
Our daughter's name is Piper and she was born via csection in May 2011.
Naughty little girl was breech and that was the reason for the csection.
I constantly debate whether or not I want to try to VBAC #2.
On our journey to #2 we have done 2 IUIs and a full IVF.
We have also flown across the country to consult with CC.RM.
The only other blogs I read, other than IF blogs are about running.
I trained for my first half marathon this past summer.
Doing so helped me FINALLY lose the 15 pounds I had put on during our IF treatments.
I actually really enjoy running.
One day, I would like to run a marathon. Ok, that's a lie, I wouldn't like to, but I'm going to...
I subscribe to WAY too many magazines and the only ones I read on a regular basis are Red.book and Run.ner's World.
I am trying to get my hubby into running.
The first race I ever ran was a 25k (15.5 miles).
I think infertility sucks.
I think I enjoy running so much because I can just forget about everything and enjoy the endorphins.
I work as a school counselor.
My job shows me every day that fertility is not granted to those who deserve it most.
Seriously, you would not believe the stories I hear!
I hate that people misunderstand infertility and am doing my darndest to break down the myths!

That's a little bit about me, now tell me about you! What do you do for a living? What are your favorite hobbies? What kind of blogs do you read? Have any fun fall recipes you'd like to share :)?

what infertility has given me

So often I focus on what infertility has robbed me of--a normal se.x life with my husband, the ability to build our family on our own, being able to not worry about spending our kids' college tuition on bringing them into the world, and not having to go to the doctors office every month for months on end. Going through IF is tough. It's tough on every part of my life and I think while you're in the middle of it, it's so easy to only focus on the negatives. But now that I'm (somewhat) on the other side of it, I can see all that IF did give me. All the good I have because of it.

One amazing thing that going through IF has given me is an incredible support group and the opportunity to "meet" so many great women/families. I am constantly impressed by the people out there in the blogging world who have gone through IF. Impressed by how they have managed to press on even through difficult situations. How they continue to pursue their dream of building a family even when it seems impossible. And, to be honest, I'm impressed by how much I can relate to these women. It has shown me that disease, specifically the disease of infertility, does not discriminate. IF doesn't care how much you make, how happily married you are, or what kind of education you have... It affects women/families of all kinds. I have been in awe of just how much I have in common with those struggling with IF. And I'm thankful for that.

Another thing that infertility has given me is increased compassion. Prior to going through all of this, I thought I was compassionate. I had plans to go into human services and felt that I was particularly well suited for that because of how well I care about and for people. But, deep down, I was harboring a lot of assumptions/prejudices/stereotypes. I had known women who struggled with infertility, but I still wondered why they were going through that struggle. It's awful to think about now, but it's the truth. But, now? Because I've struggled? I find myself bawling over just about anything heart wrenching. It doesn't matter if it has to do with parenthood, infertility, or anything children related... My heart has opened up in so many wonderful ways and I am so thankful that I am now more perceptive to truly caring for and about other people's struggles.

Finally, the most magical thing that infertility has given me is a deep appreciation for my child. Now, I have loads of friends who got pregnant the first time their husband looked at them and those friends treasure and take magnificent care of their children. That being said, as sad as it is, I believe that my friends are in the minority among parents. What infertility has given ME is perspective on just how lucky I am to have this little person in my life. Last Sunday, MBL and I took Piper to a pumpkin patch/petting zoo/farm and while we were walking around looking at the animals I literally almost burst into tears. My heart was so overcome with just how lucky I feel to be Piper's mom. I could not believe that after all we went through, after all the heartache and struggle, there I was with MY child having a family day. Piper was just walking around looking at everything and I just wanted to pinch myself. How did I get so lucky? I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I know that had I gotten pregnant on the first try at the age of 23, my perspective would have been totally different. Sure, I'd probably still want to take my child out for fun adventures and I'd probably still treasure her, but I know it wouldn't be nearly as overwhelming as it is because I went through infertility. It just couldn't be. For ME, if I had been easily given a child, I wouldn't be pinching myself at the gift of having a child to take the pumpkin patch. I literally come home every day from work and cannot wait to spend my precious evening hours with my girl. She lights up my life and I tell her every day that I would have spent a million dollars to bring her into the world and I'm not exaggerating one bit (although how I would have gotten that kind of money is not clear).

Bottom line, for all that IF has robbed me of, for all that I have "lost" because of it, I am still downright grateful for all that I have because of it. And I am especially grateful that because of it, I will never take the time I have with my child(ren) for granted.

How about you? Do you find it hard to find anything positive from your infertility journey? Do you feel that you have a different view of parenthood because of what you went through?

I thought we'd looked at it all...

Having been on and off this IF journey for 4 years now, I feel like every test in the book has already been done. All of the basic infertility work up stuff was done a long time ago and we've had the priviledge (?) of getting a better glance at what is happening with everything due to the fact that we've gone through 3 IVFs. But, in heading to CC.RM, I knew that there was one thing I wanted out of our time with them, almost as much as I want a take home baby... I want ANSWERS. When we first started down this road, we were armed with a diagnosis: male factor infertility. MBL had low everything; low count, low motility, and low morphology. We knew that with his numbers, the only decent chance we stood at conceiving was via IUI or IVF. But now? His numbers have been much better since his two varicocelectomies. And in the past 2 years it has become clear that the our "problems" aren't all his fault. I'm a poor responder for my age and my AMH is not where it should be. BUT, I still have a decent(ish) antral count and age on my side, so why have we only had ONE out of three cycles be successful? Moreover, why haven't we been able to get pregnant on our own? MBL has swimmers and I have eggs... What's the hold up?

Well, Dr. Surrey at CC.RM won me over for life when he sat down with us and promised, without any prompting, that while he could not guarantee that he could get us pregnant, he could guarantee that by the end of all this we would have answers. Hallelujah! That's one thing I don't think our Chicago doc understood, he didn't get why I wanted more tests run, why I came armed with questions to every single appointment. Dr. S. gets it, he understands that I need to know the "why". I'm not willing to just accept that things just didn't work out like they thought they would, I need answers and it looks like I am going to get them.

What we've gotten back from CC.RM as far as results go have all been fine. MBL's count is up, but his motility and morphology are still on the lower than normal side. But, at least we have more swimmers to work with! My antral count was lower than I would have expected with only one follicle on the right and 12 on the right. But, still, 13 total should be a workable number. My AMH is lower than normal at 1.0, they wanted to see it at 1.5 or higher, but it's still in the "normal" range. I had a hysteroscopy and that was normal. And then I had a repeat HSG and that was normal. We now are just waiting on my day 3 labs, but those were good back in April, so I can't imagine that they've changed much. BUT, I did have some questions on the ratios of my labs, so I'm hoping that Dr. S. will be able to help me out with those.

A few of the things that make CC.RM stand out as a great choice for us is the fact that they should be able to help with two of the factors that I think held us back in our last IVF. For one, they are able to mature eggs in the lab, so if I have 25% immature again, they can try and help them mature so we have more embryos. They also have the equipment to do IMSI. Basically, they use a very powerful microscope to pick out the very best spe.rm. This helps a lot with potential DNA issues on the male side. We are very excited and impressed by the technology they are able to offer their patients.

So, now, we wait on the follow up phone consult with Dr. S. We will talk about strategies for an IVF cycle and also what his impression is as to why we even need to do IVF. Overall, I'm just thankful that we will have answers that will hopefully lead us to a sibling for Piper!!

I’ve been gone again. I’m not going to try and make excuses for my absence, instead I’m just going to try and get on here (at least) twice a week to update. I know have a job where I would feel comfortable taking my half hour lunch to write a blog post, so my goal is to get on here Tuesdays and Thursdays. This community and all the blogs I have found mean so much to me, that I’m just not ready to give up this whole blogging thing.

So, where have I been? Well, we’ve been moving across the state and I started a new job while still wrapping up my old one. We bought a new condo, but we still own our house. We’ve been living on the east side of the state during the week and then traveling back to the west side for the weekends. Life is just busy. And even though I certainly have time in the evenings to sit down and write a blog post after Piper has gone to bed, I find myself mindlessly scanning face.book instead.

I wanted to be sure to get on here and talk all about our time in Colorado. We LOVED it. The clinic, the area, and our experience were all amazing. The only not amazing thing was that MBL lost the rental car keys the morning of our departure and we spent 50 minutes searching for them… I was convinced we were going to miss our flight, but we didn’t. PTL. For starters, we got to Denver late on Saturday evening. Our second flight was delayed and then our luggage took forever to get off the plane because there was lightening outside. By the time we got to our hotel, it was almost 9:00 mountain time. I had gotten up early that morning to go for a nice long run and so I was particularly exhausted. Not too exhausted, however, to search out the nearest frozen yogurt self serve place :). I was pleased to discover that there was one located just 1mile from our hotel AND they had cake batter frozen yogurt. It was absolute perfection. The next day, Sunday, MBL and I didn’t have anything going on at the clinic, so we decided to just kind of explore. I went on a 4 mile run and he drove around town. It took me forever to get my 4 miles in because I kept running into construction/sidewalks ending. Not fun. When I got back to the hotel, we decided to lay out by the pool for a bit and get some sun. We did some errand running and then it was time for dinner. I follow a blog where the writer always talks about Which Which and when I saw that there was one basically right across the street from our hotel, I made MBL go check it out with me. We were both really happy with our sandwiches, my only regret is that I didn’t get mine toasted. We finished off the night by grabbing frozen yogurt again… SOOO yummy!

The next day we had to wake up bright and early to get to CC.RM by 7:30. We actually got there a tad bit late due to traffic. We were really impressed by how scheduled everything was. The day started off with a meeting in the conference room where a nurse went over everything from the basics of IVF to the protocols they use there to what we should do when we are cycling there. The meeting was held in a conference room and I was surprised to see how many other couples were there. All the seats were full, so I’m thinking there were 5 other couples. They were all different backgrounds, sizes, and ages. I really wanted to have us all go around the table and talk about our IF journeys. I wondered if anyone else there was trying for #2 and what their diagnoses were.

We basically had back to back testing with some fun for MBL and some fun for me. It was cool to hear about all the different tests they were going to run and everything that they were going to look for. My ultrasound was disappointing, but my hysteroscopy didn’t show any new polyps, so that was good news. We also decided to have me tested for SMA and Fragile X. I was beginning to think that the Fragile X was going to come back positive as I have signs of decreasing fertility and I’m still fairly young (26), but I found out a few weeks ago that both came back negative. My AMH is sitting still at 1.0 and I do not have sp.erm antibodies, which I guess is a good thing.

We were sent home with instructions to have an HSG done by my OB and to do the CD3 blood work at the start of my next cycle.

I think I’ll have to end the update there as I feel like this is already a lengthy post! Overall, we are very excited about cycling with CC.RM and feel like they really are the best choice for us at this point. The price tag is hard to swallow—around $16,000 for ONE CYCLE, but with having Piper, we know it’s all worth it. The things we do for those two pink lines…

big changes, big plans, and big pants

I seem to have gone missing again. My absence is anything but intentional. To say that life has been busy the last 8 weeks would be a gross understatement. Essentially, MBL and I have been travelling every weekend since July 7th. Literally we have not spent a full weekend at home since June 30/July 1 and I had to work that weekend so I wasn't even really home. The reason for all of our travel? Well, big changes are coming for our family!!

First off, the big changes.

We are moving! We aren't moving that far, just across our state (2.5 hours), but it signifies a big change for our family. MBL has lived in the area since 2001 and I've lived here since I started college in 2003. The reason that we are moving is that I accepted a job. A job in the field for which I got my Master's. I will finally have the chance to put my $28,000 degree to use! Now, I have a tendency to say that this is my dream job, but we all know that my true dream job would be to have the priviledge of staying home with this cutie:

But, seeing as I am still the only one working in our house, that won't be possible any time soon. Both MBL and I are really excited about this move. The timing really couldn't be better. MBL has the chance to pursue new job opportunities and we both have the chance for a new start. Additionally, this allows me the chance to build up the hours I need to get my full licensure. Clocking those hours will allow me more flexibility in the future; it will mean that we could move pretty much anywhere in the country and I would be able to participate in a private practice. All good things.

Next, the big plans. Well, I am writing this post from our hotel room in Den.ver. What brings us to the state of Colorado? This place:

I guess you could say I've reached the point of no return. The next step that I want to take is whatever is most likely to end with me getting pregnant. After two failed IUIs and a failed IVF in the midwest, MBL and I decided to just go for it and visit the big guns out west. When I first started blogging I remember reading about people who visited CC.RM and I couldn't even fathom being able to visit the best of the best. Or, frankly, needing to visit the best of the best. Oh how naive I was! There are so many oddities in our IF journey that it seems necessary at this point to pull out all the stops. So, we flew out here for our one day work up. It'll be good to have answers. Well, hopefully we'll get answers. So far what we've gathered is that I don't have the fertility of a 26 year old, my uterus looks good, and I may need to worry that my tubes are blocked or that my stage one and a half endometriosis has gotten worse. My ultrasound study showed 12 follicles on my left ovary and ONE on my right. Not what I wanted to hear. She also saw eccogenic spots behind my left ovary and fluid in my uterus. All I wanted to hear was "You have a perfect uterus ready for a baby. Oh, and 20 perfect follicles." Always the optimist over here. I have an HSG scheduled for Thursday with my OB back home. With that I'm expecting to discover there are new obstacles with my fertility. At least it will be nice to have answers.

And, finally, the big pants!! Two days after Piper turned one I started training for a half marathon. I laced up my shoes and went for a six mile run.

It was hard and I hurt the rest of the day, but I continued to follow my training plan to a T. I went for short(er) runs 3 times a week and did a long run every Saturday. The result? Well, two weeks into July I was at a conference for work and I was seriously worried that our dryer wasn't working properly. I couldn't figure out why it wasn't drying my pants properly. Why did I think this? My pants felt so big. Usually if I put them in the dryer they shrunk right up to their right size and felt great, but my pants were feeling baggier and baggier... It took me two days to realize that my pants felt bigger not because of the dryer but because I was getting smaller!! All that running was paying off. Post-Piper I was wearing a size 12 and decided I would be perfectly happy getting into a 10 again. Well, I now own 4 pairs of size 8 pants and weigh 12 pounds less than I did when I got pregnant with P. Running has not only helped me shrink down, but it's helped me stay grounded. When I run I feel good. It doesn't matter that I am infertile or that I need IVF to get pregnant, I can just pound the pavement and allow the endorphins to flood over me. I went for a 10.5 miles run on Saturday just for fun and I spent the whole time thinking about all the good things ahead of us. Our upcoming move, my job change, and the babies in our future. I am clinging to hope, praying that the best is yet to come.

So, how are you all?? Anybody out there have any experience with CC.RM? Any other running addicts out there? What do you do to relax and let go?

still here!!

I cannot believe how long I have gone without posting. Life is busy and when I sit down at night all I want to do is watch tv and veg out. I used to be able to pop on when I had downtime at work, but that hasn't happened a whole lot lately.

So here is the latest and greatest:

-MBL is still unemployed. I am pretty sure he thought he would get a job immediately and he is definitely an employee worth having, but we just haven't been able to find the right "in". It's pretty frustrating. We won't be able to continue like this for too much longer. I mean, we're fine for the moment, but if we want to move forward with any of our plans, we're going to need his income.

-We have some exciting and scary changes in our future. I have a job opportunity on the opposite side of the state and I am planning to pursue it seriously. I am terrified of this. I feel like so much of my life has changed lately that I'm kind of exhausted. But, it's an incredible opportunity to do what I really want to do. It would mean maintaining two residences as our house isn't ready for sale, so we would be looking at renting a townhouse and coming back to our home on the weekends to get it in sellable condition. We would probably do this for a year as that's likely how long it will take to finish all of our projects. Just typing all of this is making me exhausted.

-On the baby making front, we have been trying naturally but have had no luck. My luteal phase is shorter than it used to be and last month I didn't get a positive OPK until cycle day 19 and I still got AF on day 31. Which means that my luteal phase was only 11 days when it used to be 14-15. I don't know if my body is still all crazy from our last IVF or if it's just crazy from having a baby a year ago. Either way, I'm irritated that we thought MBL was the problem and now I'm beginning to wonder how much my body is contributing to our TTC woes.

-Also on the TTC front, we have our phone consult with CC.RM next week Monday. I'm looking forward to what they have to say about our situation and start really thinking about whether or not we should pursue treatments with them. We aren't in the best financial situation, but we're not in the worst either and one thing I'm sure of is that I AM READY. It's time for us to add another little one to our family and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to achieve that. I'm terrified out of my noggin, but I know that what you gain when you have success makes it so worth it.

I plan on participating in ICLW this month as we prepare to dive head first into further treatments. I also plan on coming back to post soon :).

How are y'all? Any news? How have you all been holding up in this heat?

the tipping point

Have you ever read the Mal.colm Gladw.ell book called "The Tipping Point"? I was actually reading it on my first date with MBL. I was reading it while waiting for him to (FINALLY) show up. Basically, it's about how trends start or how change occurs.

I think I've reached the tipping point on our journey to #2. This happened when we were trying for #1 as well. I got to the point where I didn't want to "just" try anymore. I didn't want to try things that might help us get pregnant, I was ready for the big guns. In getting pregnant with Piper that meant going with shared risk IVF at a well rated clinic. I realized I was at this point for baby #2 during my long run on Saturday. Granted, we've already done IVF #3 at the well rated clinic that got us pregnant with Piper and it failed, so there's that.

I am SOOOO ready for baby #2. I'm ready to be pregnant with another precious little one. I tell MBL every day how I want another baby. He keeps saying, "I know" and "We're going to have another one." It's sweet of him to put up with me.

So, what are our next steps now that we already have one failed IVF under our belts? I have an appointment with a Reproductive Immu.nologist on July 5th in Chi.cago. It'll be interesting to see if she finds anything. She'll run blood tests and do an extensive ultrasound. Then, we have a phone consult with the REALLY big guns, CC.RM, on July 23rd. I'm excited to see what they have to say and if they would have done anything differently with our last cycle. I'm also curious as to whether they see any other underlying fertility issues. Like, do I have diminishing ovarian reserve? Why do I have a below average number of mature eggs to eggs retrieved?

We may go with CC.RM if we can afford it. Or, we may go back to our clinic in Chicag.o. The hard thing is that if I am not pregnant by the end of August/early September, our kids will be more than two years/24 months apart and that kind of bums me out. No, it's not the end of the world and I am so lucky to have Piper, but I really wanted to have my kids close together.

Here's hoping we are on the verge of our BFP!