big changes, big plans, and big pants

I seem to have gone missing again. My absence is anything but intentional. To say that life has been busy the last 8 weeks would be a gross understatement. Essentially, MBL and I have been travelling every weekend since July 7th. Literally we have not spent a full weekend at home since June 30/July 1 and I had to work that weekend so I wasn't even really home. The reason for all of our travel? Well, big changes are coming for our family!!

First off, the big changes.

We are moving! We aren't moving that far, just across our state (2.5 hours), but it signifies a big change for our family. MBL has lived in the area since 2001 and I've lived here since I started college in 2003. The reason that we are moving is that I accepted a job. A job in the field for which I got my Master's. I will finally have the chance to put my $28,000 degree to use! Now, I have a tendency to say that this is my dream job, but we all know that my true dream job would be to have the priviledge of staying home with this cutie:

But, seeing as I am still the only one working in our house, that won't be possible any time soon. Both MBL and I are really excited about this move. The timing really couldn't be better. MBL has the chance to pursue new job opportunities and we both have the chance for a new start. Additionally, this allows me the chance to build up the hours I need to get my full licensure. Clocking those hours will allow me more flexibility in the future; it will mean that we could move pretty much anywhere in the country and I would be able to participate in a private practice. All good things.

Next, the big plans. Well, I am writing this post from our hotel room in Den.ver. What brings us to the state of Colorado? This place:

I guess you could say I've reached the point of no return. The next step that I want to take is whatever is most likely to end with me getting pregnant. After two failed IUIs and a failed IVF in the midwest, MBL and I decided to just go for it and visit the big guns out west. When I first started blogging I remember reading about people who visited CC.RM and I couldn't even fathom being able to visit the best of the best. Or, frankly, needing to visit the best of the best. Oh how naive I was! There are so many oddities in our IF journey that it seems necessary at this point to pull out all the stops. So, we flew out here for our one day work up. It'll be good to have answers. Well, hopefully we'll get answers. So far what we've gathered is that I don't have the fertility of a 26 year old, my uterus looks good, and I may need to worry that my tubes are blocked or that my stage one and a half endometriosis has gotten worse. My ultrasound study showed 12 follicles on my left ovary and ONE on my right. Not what I wanted to hear. She also saw eccogenic spots behind my left ovary and fluid in my uterus. All I wanted to hear was "You have a perfect uterus ready for a baby. Oh, and 20 perfect follicles." Always the optimist over here. I have an HSG scheduled for Thursday with my OB back home. With that I'm expecting to discover there are new obstacles with my fertility. At least it will be nice to have answers.

And, finally, the big pants!! Two days after Piper turned one I started training for a half marathon. I laced up my shoes and went for a six mile run.

It was hard and I hurt the rest of the day, but I continued to follow my training plan to a T. I went for short(er) runs 3 times a week and did a long run every Saturday. The result? Well, two weeks into July I was at a conference for work and I was seriously worried that our dryer wasn't working properly. I couldn't figure out why it wasn't drying my pants properly. Why did I think this? My pants felt so big. Usually if I put them in the dryer they shrunk right up to their right size and felt great, but my pants were feeling baggier and baggier... It took me two days to realize that my pants felt bigger not because of the dryer but because I was getting smaller!! All that running was paying off. Post-Piper I was wearing a size 12 and decided I would be perfectly happy getting into a 10 again. Well, I now own 4 pairs of size 8 pants and weigh 12 pounds less than I did when I got pregnant with P. Running has not only helped me shrink down, but it's helped me stay grounded. When I run I feel good. It doesn't matter that I am infertile or that I need IVF to get pregnant, I can just pound the pavement and allow the endorphins to flood over me. I went for a 10.5 miles run on Saturday just for fun and I spent the whole time thinking about all the good things ahead of us. Our upcoming move, my job change, and the babies in our future. I am clinging to hope, praying that the best is yet to come.

So, how are you all?? Anybody out there have any experience with CC.RM? Any other running addicts out there? What do you do to relax and let go?

still here!!

I cannot believe how long I have gone without posting. Life is busy and when I sit down at night all I want to do is watch tv and veg out. I used to be able to pop on when I had downtime at work, but that hasn't happened a whole lot lately.

So here is the latest and greatest:

-MBL is still unemployed. I am pretty sure he thought he would get a job immediately and he is definitely an employee worth having, but we just haven't been able to find the right "in". It's pretty frustrating. We won't be able to continue like this for too much longer. I mean, we're fine for the moment, but if we want to move forward with any of our plans, we're going to need his income.

-We have some exciting and scary changes in our future. I have a job opportunity on the opposite side of the state and I am planning to pursue it seriously. I am terrified of this. I feel like so much of my life has changed lately that I'm kind of exhausted. But, it's an incredible opportunity to do what I really want to do. It would mean maintaining two residences as our house isn't ready for sale, so we would be looking at renting a townhouse and coming back to our home on the weekends to get it in sellable condition. We would probably do this for a year as that's likely how long it will take to finish all of our projects. Just typing all of this is making me exhausted.

-On the baby making front, we have been trying naturally but have had no luck. My luteal phase is shorter than it used to be and last month I didn't get a positive OPK until cycle day 19 and I still got AF on day 31. Which means that my luteal phase was only 11 days when it used to be 14-15. I don't know if my body is still all crazy from our last IVF or if it's just crazy from having a baby a year ago. Either way, I'm irritated that we thought MBL was the problem and now I'm beginning to wonder how much my body is contributing to our TTC woes.

-Also on the TTC front, we have our phone consult with CC.RM next week Monday. I'm looking forward to what they have to say about our situation and start really thinking about whether or not we should pursue treatments with them. We aren't in the best financial situation, but we're not in the worst either and one thing I'm sure of is that I AM READY. It's time for us to add another little one to our family and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to achieve that. I'm terrified out of my noggin, but I know that what you gain when you have success makes it so worth it.

I plan on participating in ICLW this month as we prepare to dive head first into further treatments. I also plan on coming back to post soon :).

How are y'all? Any news? How have you all been holding up in this heat?

the tipping point

Have you ever read the Mal.colm Gladw.ell book called "The Tipping Point"? I was actually reading it on my first date with MBL. I was reading it while waiting for him to (FINALLY) show up. Basically, it's about how trends start or how change occurs.

I think I've reached the tipping point on our journey to #2. This happened when we were trying for #1 as well. I got to the point where I didn't want to "just" try anymore. I didn't want to try things that might help us get pregnant, I was ready for the big guns. In getting pregnant with Piper that meant going with shared risk IVF at a well rated clinic. I realized I was at this point for baby #2 during my long run on Saturday. Granted, we've already done IVF #3 at the well rated clinic that got us pregnant with Piper and it failed, so there's that.

I am SOOOO ready for baby #2. I'm ready to be pregnant with another precious little one. I tell MBL every day how I want another baby. He keeps saying, "I know" and "We're going to have another one." It's sweet of him to put up with me.

So, what are our next steps now that we already have one failed IVF under our belts? I have an appointment with a Reproductive Immu.nologist on July 5th in Chi.cago. It'll be interesting to see if she finds anything. She'll run blood tests and do an extensive ultrasound. Then, we have a phone consult with the REALLY big guns, CC.RM, on July 23rd. I'm excited to see what they have to say and if they would have done anything differently with our last cycle. I'm also curious as to whether they see any other underlying fertility issues. Like, do I have diminishing ovarian reserve? Why do I have a below average number of mature eggs to eggs retrieved?

We may go with CC.RM if we can afford it. Or, we may go back to our clinic in Chicag.o. The hard thing is that if I am not pregnant by the end of August/early September, our kids will be more than two years/24 months apart and that kind of bums me out. No, it's not the end of the world and I am so lucky to have Piper, but I really wanted to have my kids close together.

Here's hoping we are on the verge of our BFP!

a tangent...

I keep thinking of posts to write on my runs, but fail at putting them down. So, here is a tangent for you :). 1. Some days I really REALLY hate my job. I am fairly certain that I have one of the most thankless jobs on the planet. Basically I get yelled at for things over which I have no control and the higher ups show no concern for the beatdown I get on a (near) daily basis. It pretty much sucks. BUT, the hours, although quite early, aren't that bad. I go in around 6:30 and get to leave around 3:00. I still feel like I get a lot of time with Piper and MBL in the evening. 2. I'm back to diligently running several times a week. I have signed up for this race: I am following Hal Hig.don's half marathon training plan and so far it is going well. I do three shorter runs during the week, ranging from 3-5 miles long, and then one long run on Saturdays. I'm also supposed to do a day of cross training, but I've only succeeded at that once. What I've been doing is packing my running gear in the morning and then skipping lunch and heading out to run from work. Then, when I get home, I am able to totally focus on my family! 3. I would love to lose at least 10 pounds. I have been running since Piper was 7 weeks and counting points, but I've only lost 6 pounds. I know that if I lost that weight, I wouldn't feel like I was dying when I run and I would feel better about getting pregnant (meaning I would have lost some of my infertility/IVF weight). I'm going to try out a new way of tracking my eating habits by using my fit.ness pa.l instead of just doing the Wei.ght Wat.chers points system. I'm hoping that counting calories will help make the scale move! 4. I started following some running blogs and it's nice to spend some of my time focusing on my physical health rather than just my struggle with infertility. It's funny because I'm really enjoying getting back into shape, but I still really want to get pregnant. I have a blog post ready to talk about our family building plans. 5. I've been looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow ALL WEEK. As much as I am thankful for getting off early in the afternoon, the early wake up call is not my favorite. But, tomorrow is supposed to be 90*. And I'm scheduled to run 9 miles. I cannot run 9 miles in that heat. So, I will have to get up early on my day off in order to run NINE MILES. Oh boy. I promise to not go two weeks in between updates again. Things have just been really crazy and I'm finally getting back into my groove. How are you all? Anybody else out there infertile and a runner? How are you all enjoying your summer?

that wasn't it...

Two weeks ago, I thought we hit rock bottom, I was fairly certain that things wouldn't get worse. It was reassuring to think that the only way to go was up. But, I was wrong. That wasn't bottom, that wasn't as bad as things could get. Last Tuesday, while I was at a friend's house, MBL broke the news from me that his job let him go. I cried so hard that when I called my mom she freaked out thinking someone was seriously injured. I cried and cried and cried. And then I went to get my hair done and drank wine and felt (somewhat) better. I then dove headfirst into job searching for MBL and figuring out how we are going to make this work. I make a pittance. To put it into perspective, MBL provided 75% of our income. So, this is a BIG deal. MBL did NOT deserve to be let go. He had been with the company for 12 years and had absolutely no record of bad behavior. He dedicated a lot of time and energy to making sure the systems and processes they used were in the best interest of the company. He seriously put his everything into that job and, in the end, they treated him like total crap. I'm pretty bitter about the whole situation, but that's not really going to fix things. In the wake of this, I did what any rational infertile would do and googled the top 50 most fertility friendly companies. I then gave MBL a list of companies that are hiring in his field that cover infertility treatment. The truth is, he should be able to find a new job without much difficulty. Any company would be lucky to have him, and I'm not just saying that as his wife. He seriously could go into any workplace and fix the way they do things. He is able to look at programs and systems and figure out how to make them better. He is really talented. The hard part now is convincing MBL of that. This has been a really hard adjustment for him. He is heartbroken by what happened. In a time when he needed their support the most, they turned a cold shoulder on him. The company claims to be family focused, but, obviously, when it comes to caring for their employees, they really aren't. We have about eight weeks for MBL to get his act together before we need to really panic. I'm not going to let MBL take that long. I want him to submit resumes this week. With how much experience he has, I am certain that he will get interviews for most of the jobs for which he applies. He just needs to get focused on getting them out! (can you tell I want it done now?) In the meantime, I am going to try and not pull all my hair out and just hope that something REALLY good is just around the corner... Surprise, natural triplets anyone ;)? And a free minivan? Please?

the other shoe

I haven't been on here in almost two weeks. The main reason for this is that the pesky other shoe finally dropped. As if our failed IVF wasn't enough, I think we've reached what I hope is rock bottom. I can't and won't go into too many details for a variety of reasons, but it became clear about a week ago that MBL is struggling. It would probably be more accurate to say that he hit rock bottom. All of the stress of his new job and family pressures as well as the financial strain of our medical issues (i.e. IVF), he just kind of reached his breaking point. The good news is he's getting help and is deeply invested in recovery and healing. He's finally being totally honest with me about his emotional struggles and he even admitted (FINALLY) that he has chosen his job over nearly everything else in his life, including his family and his own health. He's been travelling at least a week out of every month and facing tremendous strain as he has tried to balance work, Piper, and our marriage. He basically broke under the weight of it all. This has, obviously, put our whole life into a tailspin. All I really wanted was a minivan full of kids and to stay home with them all. Instead I will have to keep working full time, driving around my (very nice) station wagon/SUV, and put off our IVF cycle. We definitely aren't going to stop TTC, but we are going to put off using medical interventions. We don't have the money for a minivan or IVF, so we need to take some time to save up for those things. And, more importantly, we need to get MBL in a healthy place. Right now, we are hoping that MBL will be able to take FMLA from work and really take the time to set up healthy interventions and coping mechanisms so that this doesn't happen again. As of right now we are taking it moment by moment, day by day. Praying that the only way we have to go from here is up.

spinning

(source) That's what my mind is doing a lot of these days. Just spinning and reeling and going back and forth. I've been meaning to post for days, but I've had so much to say/share that I didn't know where to start. Life is crazy busy. Between work and Piper and house care and working out, there is hardly time left at the end of the day to respond to my personal email. I am still reading blogs, but haven't had much time to write a post of my own. And it doesn't help that blogger doesn't open up correctly on my work computer, so I am unable to write/publish posts there (you know, on my lunch hour :). Despite the fact that I'm pretty sure nearly every infertility blog I follow just announced a pregnancy, MBL and I are in the same exact place. The not pregnant place. The ugly crying over another BFN place. I'm on track for a long cycle this month (post failed IVF) as I'm pretty sure I just ovulated on day 22. We went for it and tried naturally this month, but I'm not holding out too much hope. We plan on doing an IUI again next month and I'm still debating whether or not to do clo.mid and injectables or just injectables by themselves. I truly believe that we could conceive via IUI, so we'll just have to see if IUI #3 for baby #2 is the lucky one! As far as an update on where we are with further fertility testing/etc, we got MBL's sperm DNA analysis back and his level was 18%. Normal/excellent fertility potential is 15%, and 15-25% is good/fair/normal fertility potential. So, it looks like that isn't a major hindrance in our quest to have another baby. We also had our post-failed IVF consult with our RE. It was a phone consult due to our geographical differences (we live 4 hours away). I was ready to hear the donor egg speech/suggestion, but he surprised me and said that everything looked good until we got to day five and only had one embie left and even that one embie stood a chance at making a baby. He said my age is a great indicator of my potential and so he doesn't think that donor eggs are necessary unless I prefer someone else's DNA over my own. We talked about the whole three day versus five day thing and we expressed that we might want to do a three day next time as maybe the embies prefer a more "natural" environment. Unsurprisingly, he told us that usually if an embryo fails in the lab it would have never made a baby, but we pointed out that there is no real way to test that (i.e. you can't BOTH test whether the same embryos would develop into a healthy pregnancy from a day three transfer AND see if they would have made it to a blast in the lab) and he essentially agreed. He asked if we would still want to transfer three on day three knowing how hard parenthood is and we gave a wholeheartedly, "YES WE WOULD!!". Piper is an unbelievably easy kid. She goes to bed and sleeps for 12 hours, she adapts to her environment, and she is happy most of the time. Even IF we somehow ended up getting pregnant with triplets from a three embryo transfer on day three, we would be able to handle it because our first kid is so easy. PLUS, we just LOVE being parents. Like LOVE LOVE LOVE it. There is something to be said about having to fight for something you want because I totally treasure being a parent way more than I ever thought possible. I WANT to spend time with my daughter. I treasure every single moment with her and I swear I'm not exaggerating one bit. Especially now that I am a WORKING mom, I treasure those moments even more, even when she is melting down because she got zero naps at daycare. I am amazed at the experience I have been given and plan on doing whatever it takes to be able to do it again. I intended on blogging about Mother's Day on Sunday, but I was too busy sleeping in and enjoying the perfect weather here in Michigan (seriously, it was gorgeous). It was still hard to celebrate a day that is set aside for women that have been able to achieve something that so many others dream of having. Infertility sucks the big one and it still bothers me that so many people ignore the fact that there are a lot of people out there hurting. And even though I have achieved motherhood, the day still stung. We have our precious Piper and she is the light of our lives, but we know we are not done. We want more and fully intend on doing whatever it takes to get there. I keep saying it, but I know it's just a matter of time, I just wish I had a glance into the future to know just how much longer we will have to wait. And just because my mind is still spinning, I'll give a preview of other updates I plan on sharing soon: the VERY generous Mother's Day gift MBL and I received, my found again love for running, balancing TTC with the rest of my life, the guilt I feel for working, losing my desire for genetic connection, and the sacrifices we are making for our family dreams. How are you all doing? How did you handle Mother's Day this year? What is going on in your head?